Maria,
I really am not qualified to say why you hurt so much because am not a professional. I would have to think just from being a sufferer that you could say 'all of the above' in answer to your questions. I don't have C, either, so don't have that rotten added dimension to deal with. I don't know if it's always possible to be able to dissect exactly why you're in pain when it's there. Probably at some point in therapy that might be achieveable but that isn't helping you much at the moment, is it?
It's hard to hear because it doesn't at all feel like it, but very often when you expereince pain you're actually going through some healing. I refuse to do that 'yay rah you can do it' speech because that can be very frustrating to hear, especially when you're in so much hurt in the present. I will say that you are here in the forum, and that in itself means you wish to get better, or at least have hope that there is a way out of the pain. You're exposing yourself to little triggers all the time just by being here, and that provokes healing. There's an article Anthony posted about the forum, I wish I could remember which one, which does tell you why it helps to be here. When you read it, you'll get that little thrill of recognition one gets when pieces come together.
I hope you're feeling a little better today. Meds can be horrible, I know. It sounds like you're beginning to resent the things which is also a little healing. You no doubt need them, but resenting that need has to be some sign of healing. It seems to me that even some anger ( not the explosive, misdirected kind, I know) is at least a positive, active emotion when directed correctly. That's how it feels, anyway.
I just wanted to at least reply to your pain question with what it would have been had it been my own expereince. We're all so different, I know, but thought I'd at least try, while hopefully not making you feel even worse.
Please take care?
Anni
