How Important Is The Gender Of Your T?

[jaccat]

I am female, My trauma was mainly caused by a female, and I was later cared for by males. I relate more to males in most things, but my T is female. Of the 5 different therapists I had 2 were male and I didn't really connect with either. Whether that was because of their gender or because of other reasons (the first I wasn't willing to connect, the second was all about CBT) I don't know.

 

[Panda Bear]

I guess I should add, I've ever worked with one therapist. Found the right guy on the first try. But I wouldn't have chosen a female to start my search with, not that one wouldn't have been able to help me....but I really don't think so. Honestly, I think a female would have bailed on me long ago.

God knew what he was doing.

 

[Ronin]

If a good therapist? I don't give a flying ef.

But I noticed once I open up, I'm easier talking to guys. A lot of internalizations that are sexist as f*ck ('That woman has kids, ffs spare her your bullshit, she has responsibilities to attend to / don't overwhelm people by something they didn't have to bear, shouldn't have to bear').

Also depending on how I'm feeling at the moment. More closed up &/or empathy lacking me, I head to guys. Needing my heart back? I head to women. With much gratitude, too.

 

[Kintsugi]

I was abused primarily by males, though my (female) T seems to think I have much greater issues with women thanks to my mother. I would agree with that, but I can only see women, because I am terrified of transference (as in becoming attracted to my T), and I am more likely to be honest with women.

Because of the sorts of experiences I have had and the trauma I suffered at a developmental age, it seems that somewhere in my unconscious I am distracted by the desire to please men moreso than to be honest and open with them.

 

[Nikie]

I can talk to men much easier than to woman all my life worked with dad on the farm so I understand men better.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am female, my T is male and I was sexually abused by men but I also had a neglectful mother. I think my T plays a part because he is just easy to talk with and get along with, he is open to things and is just as liberal minded as I am. I'm not sure how much is gender is playing a part. My psychiatrist is female and she is easy to talk with too. But all this was after carefully selecting my doctors. I fired a few.

 

[ladee]

I am female and will only have female T's or Dr's... Abused by men sexually, but emotionally abused by women. But I knew I could never open up to a man. I would be so hyper-vigilant to any tiny thing that led me to believe he wasn't listening, and I would have come undone. And I don't think I could BS a woman as easily as I think I could a man. I did have one male T and we did Gestalt Therapy. Do they even do that anymore....??? Lord I am old !!!! But he was very gentle and non threatening.... he was good for what I needed at the time. But female is my choice.

 

[halflifeguy]

I can't say I have a preference for T gender. I can't say I have noticed differences between Ts along gender lines either.

 

[AllieD.]

Im a straight cis-gender girl but can only see guy therapists. I could never imagine being able to go to a girl...

I'm the same way. I'm female, I'm straight (very much so, if that matters), and I generally do not feel nearly as comfortable with female doctors at all, and DEFINITELY not female therapists.
I think, well I always admired my much-older brother, 9 years older than me with no other siblings in between. We had a great relationship; I loved to tag along and he never minded! I wanted to be just like him. I think that might make me trust men more than women. Even in high school my closest friends were guys.
There are probably some unhealthy reasons for this that I am not aware of...but I can't really think of any other than my extremely important buddy relationship with my big brother, that despite this age difference we were best friends, of a sort. So I get kind of comforted working with a male therapist. That's one theory, or a partial explanation.
I have also always gotten along better with guys, better than girls. It just IS. I'd love figure out a good reason...but I can't come up with anything.
I'm the same with you, I can say absolutely ANYTHING to the guy, my current therapist, about sex or the most sensitive topics and I do not hesitate. I trust him. (On the other hand, we've been working together for about ten years now, so I'd HOPE there would be some trust going by now! So maybe not entirely a gendered reason ;)
also - Please do not say "He can't be very good if you've been working for ten years." He IS good. We do well together. It is slow.
I currently have a female "regular" doctor and that is ok, but I know her and like her and she is very very smart. I still don't think I could have a counseler-type relationship with her or any other female doctor I've come across.
Also it's not like any or all male therapists would do! The guy I've been working with now, we get along well and like you say I feel comfortable. My therapist and I have also discussed how he does serve somewhat, sometimes, as a substitute big brother - when appropriate. This varies based on how I've been doing, what's going on, etc. That's one reason he's great - he's ever-shifting. I can tell him I want to spend more time talking about specific things, or I'm ready to tackle some difficult stuff -- or sometimes that I am NOT ready to tackle anything and need help and guidance in getting along with the smallest things - like when I am tormented by nightmares and occasionally I need something to negate those. and he will say ok and help me stay on topic, and so on and so forth. Or HE can tell me if he thinks we're grinding our wheels and/ or maybe have a more important thing to discuss. Or if we are doing well! So he is able to suggest things, also, though I am the main person in charge of how things go. I suppose that is something that I need - to be in charge.

Ok this popped into my head right this minute, in the middle of writing this post: I've also had wide-ranging conversations with my dad about ANYTHING, be it graduate level academics, interesting logical arguments.. and being an unfaithful girlfriend in multiple relationships, I mean, the most private things. The walk of shame. How damn good at lying I am and I wish I wasn't! It seems like a huge character flaw. He says it is because I am creative. :) You see? He's a good dad, in many ways!

My mother is very shy and reticent. Like when I was about 16 my father gave me the "sex talk" and handed me a box of condoms "just to have". (He did this while I was stuck off in the middle of a parking lot during a driving lesson, learning how to drive a stick shift, so I couldn't run away... I was trapped! LOL In retrospect I think that was fairly clever on his part! He gave me good advice: "You should know this - boys are really weird about sex." Of course I did not accept his invitation to talk to him about ANYTHING until about 15 years later ;)
I recently told him the condoms and "talk" came about two months early enough!

WOW wait maybe THAT is the answer???? Hmm. That I can talk to my dad and not my mom. Wow! Like my second post here and I've already figured something out, or at least acquired a decent guess!
I apologize that I am not being very linear, I'm doing the best I can. Thanks for reading and being tolerant with a new person and once again I hope I have not said or done anything wrong here. Thank you to anyone who has read my rantings and ravings. :)

 

[deleted]

I'm exactly the same as you! My last therapist guessed it was because my brother is the only person I really trust in the world or the fact that my friends are mainly guys. I've tried a couple female therapists and HATED it no matter how great they are. I just can't bring myself to talk to a therapist that isn't a male.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I'm female, was sexually abused by males and one female (my mother). I can't stomach the idea of telling a male therapist what I've experienced, I worry about a male not understanding, not seeing it for how horrific it was, even (I know, stupid thought) that a male might get a "kick" out of hearing the stuff (probably because I knew my male abusers minds quite well). I think women are more understanding in general, maybe I'm wrong? :confused: Whenever I tried male therapists in the past they seemed arrogant, uninterested and uncaring.

 

[HappyJock]

I can totally relate. I ONLY see female therapists that are younger rather than middle-aged. (I was s. abused as a kid by a male in his 40s). So that explains the guy therapist part... I see younger female therapists simply because I'm younger as well (in my 20s) and I just feel better about opening up to someone who's more recently studied, younger and that I could connect with more.