How old were you when you lost your virginity?

[westdomemizatrix]

After hearing some pretty absurdly young ages that people were having sex I decided to start a new thread on this. So - how old were you?

 

[Friday]

17.

 

[Sideways]

4 (possibly 3, but I prefer to think it was 4)

‘Absurd’ is a weird choice of words, given the nature of the question on a ptsd forum.

 

[somerandomguy]

16

 

[Jade-]

Are you referring to willingly losing your virginity? If so, 17. If not then probably 3 or possibly younger.

I recently was asked this question in RL and I chose to say 17. Since then I have been wondering what it exactly means because "losing your virginity always sounds sorta, IDK, like this big major event that people look forward to ,like a rite of passage, an honor or something. I have been with a group of women before and we have discussed the age we all got our first period. Our first bra. Our first kiss, and all the other big milestones.

Is it really considered "losing your virginity" if it was childhood sexual abuse? Cause it sure didn't feel like a milestone to me.
Am I lying when I say I was 17?

It's a complicated question I guess, the age I lost my virginity.

ETA: * I guess even saying "willingly" I was 17 is wrong because I wasn't actually a virgin then."

 

[Sideways]

It's a complicated question I guess, the age I lost my virginity.

Antiquated, rather than complicated, IMO.

 

[Jade-]

Antiquated, rather than complicated, IMO.

Maybe so.

Losing one's virginity has always been so romanticized in books and movies throughout my life ,so I guess I have also romanticized it. It was one thing I never really got to choose on my own, not something I prepared for like in movies. the bedroom full of flower petals, candles ,choosing to give myself to someone I love, etc.

In my mind, my view on it vs having sex for the first time will always be two different things although technically they are the same.

Has anyone ever asked you the question ,how old you were when you lost your virginity? Seeing that we both were violated around the same age, what answer do you give? I said 17 because that's when I chose to do it for the first time and it meant something to me.

 

[Sideways]

the bedroom full of flower petals, candles ,choosing to give myself to someone I love, etc.

If it helps? I think this is the reality for a very small minority of humans! This is ‘reality’ in movies, where women never fart or get their period or snore or have acne or…

There’s a lot to be said for sex education in high school.

Has anyone ever asked you the question ,how old you were when you lost your virginity?

Yeah. And it’s a punch in the gut, right?

It’s tough to negotiate. I’m in my early 40s now, and it’s not a question that comes up much now, which has helped it lose a little of its bite. But it’s still a suckerpunch that leaves me reeling a bit.

what answer do you give?

I used to make it up.

There was a time when I was 17 when I got drunk and had sex in college and it was fairly horrible, but my first really mainstream experience of sex, so I used to say ‘17’. My answer was only as meaningless as the question itself, so it was never a lie that I felt bad about.

When the question has come up, it’s never been in a context where I feel like launching into “well, I was sexually abused as a very young child…”. Outside a forum like this, or a conversation in therapy, it’s not a question I’d ever elaborate on honestly.

These days (I’m 42, which means the people I’m social with are mostly in long term partnerships, mostly with kids), I try to point out the problem with the question. I have a number of sideways outs that I use, “Let’s not have that conversation”, “That’s far more complicated and uncomfortable than I want to get into”.

Occasionally I get ballsy enough to call the person on the inappropriateness of the question (because that’s usually the case): “You did not just ask me that” (and either change topic, or walk away).

I remember one occasion I was dissociated and I said “It was when I was 11 and I slipped while I was riding my brother’s bike”. That was a good answer - because it was funny and highlighted the problem with the question!

For a prospective partner? They need to know that they need to tread more lightly and considerately around that topic if it’s important to them. And if it’s not, then they need to never ask me shit like that again.

My advice? Find a place where you live that powerful, intelligent, confident women magnetise to. You may need to hunt for while. But what you need to know (and which the internet and every social media platform in existence fail miserably at conveying): virginity is a concept of zero relevance beyond it’s quaint insight into antiquated patriarchal oppression of women.

There are so many important and interesting things about you that are worthy of knowing, worthy of conversation, worthy of loving and celebrating and becoming sentimental about.

You have qualities that are worth spreading flower petals on the bed for. And even if you were a chaste and nubile virgin? It wouldn’t even make your Top 5.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Honestly, it’s tough to answer because what counts as “virginity”? If it’s no penetration, then I would say 18. If it’s no sexual activity, I’d say when I was assaulted at 10 or 11.

 

[Givrali]

31 and virgin (or 7 if trauma amnesia masked that what I said to penal justice was actually rape which can or can not be)

 

[Weemie]

8. Virginity itself is a ridiculous social construct that is centered around shame and blame. It is frankly a harmful and dangerous metric to base an opinion on.

It is used to perpetuate both deep misogyny (historically women were 'checked' for virginity, sex was intended to be painful and cause bleeding, brides had to be 'untouched' etc) and it's also harmful to men (shaming men for being virgins, incels/loneliness epidemic, redpill etc).

There is nothing useful about this concept and most people when asked about it either have an absurd answer (young child) or find it uncomfortable and private anyway even if they have an ordinary response.

 

[Movingforward10]

Antiquated, rather than complicated, IMO.

what counts as “virginity”?

Virginity itself is a ridiculous social construct that is centered around shame and blame

All of the above.

virginity is all about a penis. And in my world of sex: no penis is involved.
maybe a better question is: when you first engaged In sexual relationships? It then, why?
and on a ptsd forum you’re going to get extremes. I imagine more extremes than on a site without traumatised people?

what’s the motivation behind the question?