freakin12000
New Here
Hello people. All my life i have suffered from depression and PTSD. Ive always managed to be able to deal with it and still handle with life, but i feel like its spiraling out of control. Last year (July to November 2013), I had 3 mild heart attacks and ended up in the hospital to have quintuple bypass surgery on Dec 10.Since then it's just getting worse with the self doubt and and feelings of disconnection. I was born with AFS from a mother who left me with a babysitter at 2 months old..because she drank and abused drugs.I was then in 6 different homes before i was even 4 yrs old. The formative years are long gone, so to this day I have a really hard time bonding with people. At 4 I was adopted by a very physically abusing mother, she was very sadistic. Went through all kinds of physical and emotional abuse until I was made a ward of the courts at 10 yrs old. I continued to be moved around to 5 other group homes until I was old enough to be on my own. A cpl months later on my 19th birthday I tested positive.Ive been positive going on 30 yrs now. After that I was in a relationship with a man for 18 yrs.. got into drugs and drinking. By my mid 30,s i met a woman through a medicinal marijuana place in Vancouver. We have been together almost 10 yrs now. About 3 yrs into my relationship i received a call that a long lost half bother was located out east.. so we moved to Hamilton to get that long lost connection that ive been craving all my life. Suffice it to say it didn't work out. Im having a hard time with even going outside these days. At this point I dont see the sun for the clouds. At this age of 46 im almost ready to give up and stay in a room with my honey, my dog, and cats..It seems like every time i open my mouth I stick my foot in it and am just fed up with trying to figure out what to say in any social interaction. A friend suggested I check this site out. I just want to be happy with who I am at this point. Anybody know how I can do that with the past ive had...?
