How to be a good partner when you're running on empty?

[12birds]

I've been with my partner for several years. We both have PTSD, although his is untreated. We both struggle with effectively communicating our needs.

I'm feeling pretty numb/emotionally unavailable lately and it's wearing on my partner. He says I'm not spending enough time with him (we live together). I'm also not interested in physical affection or really any affection lately, which is hard for him. I was unaware I'd pulled away until he said something.

In general I need a lot more alone time/privacy than my partner does, which is not helped by current my mental state or some other high-stress family issues. I'm at a point where I'd prefer to be totally alone every day. Quarantine has also made things extremely challenging - I feel trapped in my house and with everyone in it.

But to get to the core of the issue and the reason I'm posting: I simply don't have the inner resources to give him what he needs and I don't know where to go from here. Plus this isn't just a one-off. I've been feeling like this for at least a few days, maybe a week or longer.

Should I be communicating something? How would I do that? I don't even know what words to use and he's very sensitive. Is the solution just making myself hang out with him? I'm open to any suggestions.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think you need to let him know how you feel.
It sounds like there needs to be compromise on both sides?
You can't just suck up your feelings and put them aside. That will grow into resentment for him.
Equally, if he needs things he can't ignore his feelings.
I always think there is 'talking' and then there is really really talking and really really hearing someone else.
Maybe break it down a bit?
Like maybe meal times you spend time talking and before and after you get time to yourself?

 

[Invisible Fire]

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I can relate to your post.

I simply don't have the inner resources to give him what he needs and I don't know where to go from here.

This really resonated with me. My spouse has untreated mental health issues. I am at a point in my healing of setting boundaries. I can no longer use my energy to help him. He needs to help himself. Relationships are so difficult. For me sitting with the anxiety when I know I could give a part of myself to make him feel better is more beneficial than being responsible for his emotions.

I could be way off what you are saying. But I think it is ok to take time for you. And it is ok to feel overwhelmed by being in your home with others. I would try to find time for you and do your self care.

 

[Changing4Best]

We all need ME TIME. When I was married for 23 years, (I am a widow) my husband worked a lot of over time. That was so helpful. Sometimes all I wanted to do was sit by a window and look out it. Other times I would find myself just staring into space. Sometimes I was not up to cooking supper, so we ate out a lot. He was good about all this, thankfully. I was not diagnosed then either, though we knew I was a victim of CSA (childhood sexual assault). Maybe he had done some research about it, I don't know. He was very tolerant is all I know.

When I needed to tell him something, I waited until after supper. He was receptive then because his stomach was satisfied.
Good luck!

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@12birds I'm sorry it's tough right now and there's a bunch of what you wrote that I can completely relate to right now.

Part of how I'm managing it is to remind myself that it's not permanent. Not always helpful, but sometimes gives me a second of space to take a deep breath and a step back.

I think it's made more challenging because our regular supports are not as accessible as they were before covid. But those will eventually come back in view - so for me, again, it's a matter of managing the moment. Not always the best method, but I give my husband what he needs - but like @Movingforward10 mentioned - without putting emotions aside, it's more about lowering the tension between us for now....it creates more space for me. I also recognize my reaction is not as a result of my husbands behaviours so much as it is being drawn into my past. That way I'm not harbouring resentment towards him.

It's not all physical - the things he needs. And even though I'm numb and disconnected doesn't mean I can't listen and try to tap into connection. When I do, it's been explained to me that's all he needed....to know that I'm trying, that I haven't given up on 'us' but the current time period is challenging. I felt this way for weeks until he mentioned it (it sucks), but I sat down with him and did my best to communicate (mostly just felt like birds were flying out of my mouth and he was confused). Thing is, it showed him I was trying.

Do you typically carry yourself as though nothing is bothering you? Complete tasks without any outward disfunction - even if it takes substantial effort to get things done?
Then it's possible that your husband has no idea why you're disconnected/emotionally unavailable, and don't wish to spend time with him.
Could you explain that your reluctance to spend time with him is not directly as a result of him, but more what's going on for you internally with regards to the pandemic and your sense of space?

Sorry.....too many questions, just meant as something to think on and not necessarily ones you need to answer here. Unless you want.

 

[12birds]

On the suggestion of pretty much everyone, we talked.

I discovered that part of the issue was, surprise, from not communicating. It's hard to realize "I need to let someone know what I am feeling". My partner did not take issue with my alone time. He just wanted to feel loved and have some reassurance.

You can't just suck up your feelings and put them aside. That will grow into resentment for him.
Equally, if he needs things he can't ignore his feelings.
I always think there is 'talking' and then there is really really talking and really really hearing someone else.

This is really important. Listening is a skill and it's a damn hard one to learn. Even harder when emotions are high or the topic is difficult. I also appreciate the reminder that bottling up feelings is not good.

@Warrior Chicken Thank you for your response. I found your questions really helpful to center my thoughts as I returned to this post. The idea that things/feelings are temporary is also something I struggle with, but maybe that's just the nature of this disorder. Either way, it's nice to have that reminder too.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I’m glad that you were able to communicate a bit with each other and that it was helpful!
I have a tendency to hand out cookies ? when things go well ☺

As for the permanency or not of feelings/things/thoughts etc....I really struggle with that when I’m not doing well. Feels like you’ll be stuck where you are forever and you just need to get used to it, suck it up, carry on, dont let anyone know....sound familiar?
If I can catch it, I can try to let myself know that it will pass in time. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Main thing I work at doing now is not to judge it (easier said than done).

It’s partly finding the common features of when you’re struggling that helps to pull out of it. Like cue cards or a roadmap that allows you to navigate a bit better.

 

[RoseyViolet]

The cycle of non-communication coupled with feeling overwhelmed and needing alone time can really wreak havoc on a relationship when the two of you haven't been fully transparent. As long as you both feel secure and are communicating with each other to let the other know you are struggling, this may be temporary or it could be a good bit of time, you don't know, but this is where you are today.... can be so very therapeutic and good.
Have you ever considered taking a solo vacation? If even for a day or a weekend, doing something for you. Something that feeds yoru soul. It could be sitting on a beach reading a good book. It could be taking a hike in the woods, listening to your favorite music at a quiet alone spot. Sometimes filling up your care tank is all you need to re-center your life and bring life into clarity again.
I hope you find the path you are searching for and that it all works out the way you hope it does. Good luck!!

 

[grit]

How did you manage impasse in the past? And do u have supportive therapist?

 

[Deanna]

It's too bad he won't get help. Boyfriend and I are both PTSD. We are both have different councelors and psych docs. We both have a lot of alone time where we just don't talk. We just sit together.. So I like that. We're both reading or whateva'. I would just just listen to him and try to remember letting him in on your page. He just feels left out. You might want to turn on the masculinity and butter him up a little. I know it's hard to express feelings.. Try to nudge him closer to getting help. ( that's what I would do, once in awhile) I like what everybody else said, as well.

 

[Laurel]

As for the permanency or not of feelings/things/thoughts etc....I really struggle with that when I’m not doing well. Feels like you’ll be stuck where you are forever and you just need to get used to it, suck it up, carry on, dont let anyone know....sound familiar?

It’s partly finding the common features of when you’re struggling that helps to pull out of it. Like cue cards or a roadmap that allows you to navigate a bit better.

I am not the original poster but I found your comment very helpful! Could you please expand on the cue cards or road map part? How would someone create something like that?

 

[HellFire_84]

I've been with my partner for several years. We both have PTSD, although his is untreated. We both struggle with effectively communicating our needs.

I'm feeling pretty numb/emotionally unavailable lately and it's wearing on my partner. He says I'm not spending enough time with him (we live together). I'm also not interested in physical affection or really any affection lately, which is hard for him. I was unaware I'd pulled away until he said something.

In general I need a lot more alone time/privacy than my partner does, which is not helped by current my mental state or some other high-stress family issues. I'm at a point where I'd prefer to be totally alone every day. Quarantine has also made things extremely challenging - I feel trapped in my house and with everyone in it.

But to get to the core of the issue and the reason I'm posting: I simply don't have the inner resources to give him what he needs and I don't know where to go from here. Plus this isn't just a one-off. I've been feeling like this for at least a few days, maybe a week or longer.

Should I be communicating something? How would I do that? I don't even know what words to use and he's very sensitive. Is the solution just making myself hang out with him? I'm open to any suggestions.

The above is my problem right now. My partner has PTSD much milder and has been in treatment but still can't help himself at times. He is bitchy at everything that I do, say and go to do. He feels I am doing the ONLY verbal assaults, doesn't take responsibility or accountability for his actions or the consequences thereof. He had his own d.v. case and feels compelled to alsways bring up that I have a d.v. case (almost done with it all, 4 months to go) and what a p.o.s. I am and on & on & on. My d.v. case has helped me to regain control.