Relationship How To Be Heard When Sufferer Flies Off The Handle....

[Sweetpea76]

@scout86 has a point... sometimes sufferers just plain cannot do normal relationship things. There are certain things that we have to make allowances for as supporters.

Do we have to listen to lashing out behaviors? No. Should we be made to feel responsible for symptoms? No. Should we accept crap treatment like lying and cheating? Hell no. We could and should set our boundaries with things like that.

However, we have to accept that our sufferers have a condition that decimates their stress response. We have to make allowances for that if we choose to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes they may need to cancel plans last minute because the stress overwhelms them or they get ill. We need to learn to be OK with that. Sometimes they cannot handle deep conversation or being confronted. We need to figure out how to work around that in a healthy way. There is a time and place for deep emotional conversations and relationship talks. There are better ways to have these conversations.

These are not "normal" relationships.

My sufferer is physically disabled from combat. He cannot do everything a "normally able" person can do. It effects everything from how we grocery shop to our sex life. We have to make sure places are accessible for him before we go anywhere. I have to do the heavy lifting that is usually "the man's job" because as much as he hates it, he cannot do it. I make allowances for his disability. Honestly, I feel I have to put about as much effort into making allowances for his PTSD.

 

[NaeNae75]

@scout86 has a point... sometimes sufferers just plain cannot do normal relations...

Preach it, sister! I so (exhaustingly) relate...especially right now!

 

[joeylittle]

I gather that she described a specific scenario, however, the scenario is one I am in and it's hard to hear that it may drive him to harm himself. It's a fear that is constantly on my mind and it's hard work to keep that possibility in mind while understanding it wouldn't be my fault if he did choose to do that.

I always believe that when this has become the situation, it's time to get some help from a neutral, outside third party - like a couples counselor. I'm in the US, so I don't know anything about what those resources are like for where you are.

When one person in a relationship starts saying or implying that they are being pushed to hurt themselves, it's a big problem. Only one of two things can happen. Either, it will 'work' - that is to say, it will make the other person back down, because they are afraid of causing the other person to harm themselves. This negatively reinforces that coping technique for the sufferer.

Or, it will 'not work' - meaning, the person being threatened will escalate from the pressure of the threat, and go down the 'go ahead and do it, I don't care' route. Not because they don't care, but because they may have sussed out that it's a manipulation - even if it's a sub-conscious manipulation.

The most frequent pattern is the one it sounds like you might be in - where the sufferer threatens to hurt themselves in some way, which makes you back down but accumulate stress, and eventually, you'll blow up.

No one person can reasonably carry the burden of being responsible for another persons safety in this way. Period. So, one of you will need to find a way to interrupt that cycle and you will collaboratively need to find a better way of communicating in times of stress (whether it's them stressed, you stressed, or both).

It's very hard to do that without a third party observing and coaching your communication styles. All the youtube videos in the world won't get you to the real heart of what goes wrong between the speaking and the listening in a specific situation.

If you are committed to the relationship, get some help for this. If you aren't 100% into making this work, then honestly, I think it might be time to move on.