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How to deal with bullies - Your advice and experiences.

#13
The number of workplace bullies is amazing isn't it? I personally have dealt with a few, I am betting most everyone has. When I think of the words I have heard come out of their mouths and try to imagine what it would feel like to have those same words come out of my mouth...well I guess I am not that good of an imaginer. I can't get past the fear of those same words ending my career. I for sure can't imagine saying them to feel better about myself. Opposite.
And small towns. I have lived outside a small town for 30 plus years and started noticing a long time ago that any conversation with the old timers eventually got around to picking my brain for information about another old timer. I also noticed that you couldn't make friends with any of them without picking up their enemies too. Somewhere, at the top of some pecking order, was the supreme bully that had everyone so scared that no one dared say anything about them. Yeah right. I don't care. Poor bastard is probably a quivering heap by now, it's been a long time since seventh grade and their power has been diminishing all along.
 
#14
bully. Better to drop the rope, better to never pick it up.
Dropping the rope is the hardest, the hardest lesson for me to learn in this lifetime. Survivor, can relate as you know ! I was born into a violent household with an alcoholic violent father, then another abusive caregiver plus landing in a Christian boarding school where nuns use to punish little children or humiliate them. It took me years to work on my aggression. I was a very feisty kid and use to fight back all the time. Unfortunately even today I struggle with human relationships (Except with my husband) Because if someone is crossing boarders or is being being critical I tend to come off a bit aggressive or I play power games in order to feel superior. Ofcourse this is never helpful because at the end of the day I have no friends and most people keep their distance with me. This is the price I am playing in order to feel in „control“. I am fearful because I am a small built south Asian woman so I run to the Gym in order to get muscles or I took self defense classes in order to fight back.. to this Day I am unhappy about the fact that I am not tall and strong enough physically in order to be powerful.. it’s ridiculous because there are so many healthy ways to be assertive and communicate.
 
#16
I forgot to mention that the bully at my job either quit or got fired. I wrote up a bunch of things he bullied myself and other folks with. I sent these reports to my boss And her boss too. I made some waves. Let's put it that way. It worked.
I'm proud of you for standing up! Good on you! It is an awful feeling to have one's financial stability threatened....by one powerful dysfunctional person.
 
#17
How I deal with bullies depends on my mood and how well I know/ respect them.
Here are a few examples: If someone at work starts yelling at me, I will report them if I don’t know them and don’t usually work with them. If I do work with them, i usually make them sit down with me and ask them if they can explain their problem to me calmly. This has worked very well for me. They don’t bother me again and find someone else to yell at.

If a family member yells at me, I tell them “ I can’t have this conversation with you right now until you have calmed down”.

Basically, I let loud bullies know that if they want anything from me they better lower their voice.It gets trickier if the bullying is done in a passive-aggressive, behind your back, back stabbing manner by more than one person in a group. Example two employees that manipulate someone in charge of you to take away privlidges or punish you. In this case, I go higher up in the hierarchy and remind the bosses boss that this kind of behaviour can easily lead to toxic behaviour in the organization. Basically, I say that I am willing to take any punishment if you can prove I have done something wrong otherwise I expect them to back off.

I have trained myself not to argue with bullies and if I can’t get them to back off, I will collect evidence on them and use lawyers.

And then there are those bullies that rage and rant around me cause I know that they are not angry at me, cause I know their stories, know they are victims of bullies themselves, know that I dont judge them and they know better than to use their anger to intimidate me in any way.....its hard to love a bully but i have been known to do so.
 
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