General How to deal with spouse and their anger and rage...…..

[2MarblesLost]

I have PTSD myself and have been in 2 relationships with partners who had PTSD.
And yeah, being the designated asshole suuuucks.
And yah, it's hard to get your head around.
The "don't talk to me" thing and then when you don't, getting accused of "you didn't talk to me".
Basically a no-win situation.
I ended up breaking up with both partners, cos they weren't taking responsibility for it and weren't doing therapy.
I'm patient, but I'm not thaaaaat patient.
For me, it always felt like a 3 year old having a tantrum.
My last ex actually had an expression for it, which I thought was very fitting!
He likened it to a kid having a tantrum and yelling "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER AND THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!"
Kinda sums it up quite neatly, I think.
Sorry I don't have any better advice...
Personally, I think unless the person takes charge of their tantrums, tries to get better (therapy), apologises for the tantrums, finds ways to reduce them... then for me it's just a deal-breaker.
Sure, I can put the person on "total ignore" and ingnore that they're behaving like an asshat.
But... why would I want to be in a relationship with someone I'm putting on "ignore" cos their behaviour sucks so much??
I don't get it.
But I'm sure there are *much* kinder and more patient people than me out there, who probly do cope with this stuff in a more compassionate way!

Wow! Dejavu! Mine is just started on therapy, so he is at the beginning. And it gets worse before it gets better? I got in here just recently, and I intend on learning as much as I can to help us. I was told somewhere that the reason he yells at me is because I am his 'safe place' where he can be himself. But between my menopause and his pissiness (lol) it's going to take a while! I'm so glad you guys shared this info-every little bit helps I think.
I tried finding books on ptsd in my local libraries, but this subject is surprisingly not around. Even though it's something that happens more often than not.

 

[2MarblesLost]

I'm a sufferer, and I do the full scale tantrum, shouting, swearing and throwing things. But I only do it when I'm alone. In the moment it feels as though it is impossible to control, but the very fact that I don't do it when my husband is around indicates that actually I can control it. Perhaps the only difference is that I aim the verbal abuse at myself.

About four times a year I do shout at my husband. Afterwards I consider whether I think I was in the wrong, and if so I apologise.

It is possible to experience all this and still be civil, and I hope, a reasonable partner. It takes time to learn though. In my case, it also took time to find out that this isn't a normal way to behave - I grew up watching both parents rage and explode.

Me too. I even gave my Dad a birthday card as a joke that said 'thanks for teaching me how to fight back with the one you love' this was because he was the silent sufferer. My mom was very vocal.

 

[EveHarrington]

And it gets worse before it gets better?

Yep, it most definitely gets worse before it gets better once a sufferer enters treatment. :hug:

 

[Mytime]

It does get worse before it gets better. It’s very important for you to learn and do self care. This is his journey to heal. If you can get into therapy for yourself, it would benefit you a great deal. As supporters we want to help or try to fix things. When we do that, we aren’t helping or fixing anything. To be a supporter, is just that. The work has to come from the person
we are supporting. It’s their health and their journey. At times it’s hard to sit back, if you don’t agree with their choices. Having support for yourself can help you and you feel less alone.

 

[2MarblesLost]

So I watch him turn it all around....I just be there for support, right?

 

[Mytime]

You take care of yourself, so you have the energy to support him.
Being ok with having a little space, so his focus is on himself. I know it’s easier said then done at times.
I learned it the hard way. I didn’t find the forum until a couple of months into his therapy. I was lost and confused. I felt like I went to bed with my husband and woke up to this stranger, who only looked at me with hatred. I went into a tailspin of trying to fix things or help him. Which only made things worst. Then I came here. I learned I had to step back and let him do what he needed to do, because I loved him. For myself I went to therapy. I realize to save myself I had to let him go. ( not saying that’s what anyone should do, it was a choice I had to make myself to save me) I’m grateful he made his way back to me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, definitely take care of yourself! This is of utmost importance!

My guy helps me in many ways, but doesn’t try to fix me. I definitely have to do the heavy lifting! It’s hard to learn the line between supporting and fixing, so don’t beat yourself up if you stumble upon the way. My ex was a fixer....he tried to force (bad) therapeutic techniques on me. This even made my therapist mad! My current boyfriend helps me in different ways, one being organizing my life. It’s a world of difference between the two.

 

[2MarblesLost]

You take care of yourself, so you have the energy to support him.
Being ok with having a little space, so his focus is on himself. I know it’s easier said then done at times.
I learned it the hard way. I didn’t find the forum until a couple of months into his therapy. I was lost and confused. I felt like I went to bed with my husband and woke up to this stranger, who only looked at me with hatred. I went into a tailspin of trying to fix things or help him. Which only made things worst. Then I came here. I learned I had to step back and let him do what he needed to do, because I loved him. For myself I went to therapy. I realize to save myself I had to let him go. ( not saying that’s what anyone should do, it was a choice I had to make myself to save me) I’m grateful he made his way back to me.

Wow- very brave!

 

[plumtree]

Yes, we are in couples therapy with the VA and are just beginning a 16 week program they offer. I'm trying to stay calm, focused on me and supportive without losing my own identity in the process. The rotten days are just that, rotten and I find it sooooo very difficult not to take it personally or feel as though I have contributed in some way to his issues. Thank you all for such healthy advice.

 

[2MarblesLost]

Yeah some setbacks. Not like he was, then the PTSD Monster sneaks up on us again. Space is not just the final frontier. It's also a good place to be when Mr Hyde is visiting

 

[Notafirstreciver]

I'd say make sure you are safe then after he has cooled down tell him it hurt you my girlfriend has ptsd and sometimes launches into wild rages but after she does something she goes back to that person sobbing and apologising another thing that has seemed to help me is to learn as much as you can about ptsd so you can understand why this is happening