How To Explain The Past Or Keep Pretending?

[Whirlwind]

I have been contemplating where to draw the line with sharing the impacts of my past with my husband or closer friends.

In the past my routine was to skillfully change the subject or use my pretend story line. Anymore, I am not sure it is the best for me...or lately, it just feels tiresome anymore. I am not the type to air my "laundry" and I have known people for a decade and they don't have a clue about my past.

I just wonder where do you draw the line, and why - for better or worse?

I suppose it is holiday spurred of late but it has been so aggravating....my husband doesn't mean ill but we're talking and he asks about childhood christmas's as he reminisces about his wonderful memories, they are wonderful and I like hearing them but then he asks about mine.

Sigh. He knows better than to ask, but I feel like such a heel, I hate always having to sound like such a downer so I try to concoct some non-horrible crap but I end up stretching the truth so far, fact is I'm lying.

This year, I just reminded him they were not "normal" and there isn't anything I can think of worth sharing.

Then we meet with friends and the talk turns to learning to play music as a child, what instrument did I play.....when did I learn to ski.....etc.

All of those questions are a dismal joke to me. Ski? Music? I cannot begin to relate, it is not their fault for asking of course but what to say? More lies, I mean skilled evasion? :)

It has been very difficult to shed my denial and accept my past for its truth. Having done some of this work so far....I'm guess I am tired of pretending or worrying about other's reactions.

The fact is, my childhood was beyond pathetic and my parents should have gone to jail.

I have no interest in sharing with just anyone but I really don't know where/how I should consider drawing my boundaries.

Pardon my rambling but I guess another point in all of this is that I just feel EMBARRASSED. I don't have certain skills due to early neglect and isolation and while I have done really well as an adult, people that start to get to know me well...they start to notice things such as I don't know how to do some common things or that I display some odd lack of coordination.

I would appreciate hearing from others who can relate!

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year! Whirlwind

 

[crazy8]

Pardon my rambling but I guess another point in all of this is that I just feel EMBARRASSED. I don't have certain skills due to early neglect and isolation and while I have done really well as an adult, people that start to get to know me well...they start to notice things such as I don't know how to do some common things or that I display some odd lack of coordination.

Haha, same here. I lose interest in conversations and my mind trails off into la la land. I compartmentalize my life to an extreme - a previously effective defense mechanism. This renders me unable to detect and process emotions (in myself and other people) when I am working on a project. A part of my personality is very "type A" - I get lost in work projects and become so focused that I cannot engage in effective social interactions during those times.

We're all weird in our own ways anyway, traumas or no traumas. Noone has to know that our weirdness, lack of common social or other types of skills, lack of coordination, my constant fidgeting due to anxiety, etc, is from traumatic experiences. For all they know, we are just genetically weird. Who cares :-)

 

[EverOnly358]

@Whirlwind,

Oh, I relate so much to what you're saying! I put up a good cover my whole life, until I was 40 and things started to break apart. It was really hard to open up. First I opened up to a couple of good friends that I really trusted, then here on the forum in my Trauma Diary, then to my therapist, then to my husband and now it's starting to get easier to just be the real me with more people. Not that the process is easy, it's really hard, but taken in little steps, it is doable.

I liked this thread about Childhood Emotional Neglect, maybe it'll help... https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-think-ive-got-a-name-for-it-now-childhood-emotional-neglect.38265/

EverOnly

 

[Lucycat]

When I told my best friend about my past, I was really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I knew that the Police were going to phone her the next day about it, as she is our local Police Officer and the distant Police dealing with the crime needed a statement from me.

So I told her before they did. As my best friend she quickly reassured me that she would task the statement taking to another officer, but the one she thought best suited to the job - female, experienced etc.

On a personal note her reaction astounded me. I guess I never knew what to expect as I had not had time to think it through. But she was immediately appologising for anything she had ever said or done that would have been triggering for me 'in my situation'. For me it seemed absurd. I felt bad offloading all my crap onto her, and here she was apologising.

I have never gone into great detail with her. I don't feel the need. But I really appreciate the understanding when I have an off day. I am no longer looking for excuses to give.

I do not advocate sharing with all and sundry. You really need to be sure - as once the words are out you cannot take them back. However it can be quite liberating to share the burden, or even some of it.

 

[Whirlwind]

For all they know, we are just genetically weird. Who cares

Thanks for the laugh, you have a point :)

I put up a good cover my whole life, until I was 40 and things started to break apart.

What IS IT about the 40's! ;) I was happily in denial until then.....thank you for the link! Despite what I feel are many successes as an adult, I struggle after all of this time with simple internal questions as in what do I really LIKE or what do I really want to do.....its easy if I should/have too or someone wants me to....but if I strip that away, I often come up blank.

once the words are out you cannot take them back. However it can be quite liberating to share the burden, or even some of it.

Exactly.

Thanks, Whirlwind

 

[EverOnly358]

...but if I strip that away, I often come up blank.

That was me for the longest time. It's just practice. Giving yourself the opportunity to decide for yourself without letting other people influence you. I literally had to start with walking... I would go for a walk by myself and stop at each crossroads, like I was waiting for a family member to tell me which way they wanted to go... but I was alone! So then I had to decide for myself and it was almost impossible. I mean, how crazy is that? ;) I couldn't even decide whether I should turn right or left going on a random walk through my neighborhood! :confused: But with practice, it's a lot easier now. It's been so hard to figure out who I am because I've been adapting my whole personality to whoever I was around, trying to fit in despite being an alien. :alien:

 

[Whirlwind]

That was me for the longest time. It's just practice. Giving yourself the opportunity to decide for yourself without letting other people influence you. I literally had to start with walking...

Not crazy....you just made me feel so much better.

I am accomplished in some areas of my life, no one would have a clue that I struggle with such things. I have been trying to ask myself the big picture stuff due to some upcoming life changes and I just go blank. It is unbelievably fortunate to even be able to ask myself the question however it has also put unexpected pressure on me! I find myself just freezing up when confronted and it is so unlike my former driven goal orientated professional persona. But that all fell under the "must do" and...well, my husband and I are at a crossroads we knew was coming and he has been asking me what I would like to do, even if it is pie in the sky kind of stuff.

It made me privately tear up to realize I have never been asked such a thing, what would "I LIKE TO DO". Just me?! Sigh, such a cool moment which has caused me to freeze in panic. I am digging deep and its a mess, I have no clue, not even a crazy "always wanted to"......honestly, it never occurred to me not to mention I never thought I would even be here today.

It's been so hard to figure out who I am because I've been adapting my whole personality to whoever I was around

As a fellow alien, thank you for sharing. I am such a good chameleon.

I am going to take a step back and start with some smaller decision making, its reassuring to think that this can be learned.

Thanks so much, Whirlwind