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Deleted member 47099
So I'm trying to leave behind some old family values that are just useless and unhelpful.
One of the values I was raised with was the success/failure mindset and I find that society really reinforces that.
At age 43, I'm so sick of it.
But how do you move beyond it?
What is the paradigm that isn't success/failure?
I mean, even if I find "personal/individual" definitions of success and failure... I'm still buying into it.
I'm still judging everything I do with a thumbs up/ thumbs down approach.
I dunno if it's totally possible to let go of that.
Cos how else would I define what my goals are each day and whether I've met them or not.
Or is that part of it too? :confused:
I can *feel* that the success/failure mindset it toxic.
I just can't grasp what to replace it with or how to move beyond it?
Adding this link cos I think it contains some clues:
False Dichotomy of Success
I'm going to also add two examples, of what I find difficult about the success/ failure mindset.
For example, say you invest heaps in your career and you have a lot of success. Not only that other people think you are successful, but you've also achieved your own goals and feel satisfied with them. But then... You realise that you neglected your marriage and your children and your personal life to get career success. So, suddenly you realise you failed. So what is it? Success or failure? Or both? I think the different levels and lenses that you can look at life through, then the success/failure dichotomy doesn't really make sense.
Another example is an artist or writer... Say you write a book that becomes a best-seller... Success, right? But what if it became a best-seller because you wrote it according to mass market tastes? That means you sold out, right? So you failed. Or if you chose the other path and stayed true to your artistic vision but no one bought your book and you were a starving artist... Then you were a failure, right? Like Vincent Van Gogh... People hated his art while he was alive and thought he was crazy and useless and he died poor and destitute. So in his lifetime he was a failure? And now his paintings sell for countless millions and he's famous and adored. So a success now, posthumously?
That's the level I don't get the success/failure mindset on.
One of the values I was raised with was the success/failure mindset and I find that society really reinforces that.
At age 43, I'm so sick of it.
But how do you move beyond it?
What is the paradigm that isn't success/failure?
I mean, even if I find "personal/individual" definitions of success and failure... I'm still buying into it.
I'm still judging everything I do with a thumbs up/ thumbs down approach.
I dunno if it's totally possible to let go of that.
Cos how else would I define what my goals are each day and whether I've met them or not.
Or is that part of it too? :confused:
I can *feel* that the success/failure mindset it toxic.
I just can't grasp what to replace it with or how to move beyond it?
Adding this link cos I think it contains some clues:
False Dichotomy of Success
I'm going to also add two examples, of what I find difficult about the success/ failure mindset.
For example, say you invest heaps in your career and you have a lot of success. Not only that other people think you are successful, but you've also achieved your own goals and feel satisfied with them. But then... You realise that you neglected your marriage and your children and your personal life to get career success. So, suddenly you realise you failed. So what is it? Success or failure? Or both? I think the different levels and lenses that you can look at life through, then the success/failure dichotomy doesn't really make sense.
Another example is an artist or writer... Say you write a book that becomes a best-seller... Success, right? But what if it became a best-seller because you wrote it according to mass market tastes? That means you sold out, right? So you failed. Or if you chose the other path and stayed true to your artistic vision but no one bought your book and you were a starving artist... Then you were a failure, right? Like Vincent Van Gogh... People hated his art while he was alive and thought he was crazy and useless and he died poor and destitute. So in his lifetime he was a failure? And now his paintings sell for countless millions and he's famous and adored. So a success now, posthumously?
That's the level I don't get the success/failure mindset on.
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