Relationship How To Handle Anniversaries, Birthdays, Etc.?

[Jawn]

Looking for some feedback here. My wife and I have an anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks, but her current attitude is "it's just another day". In the past we always did something together on that day. This year she is suggesting that I go do something else.

Is this just an indication she needs some space? Please let me know your thoughts on this one.

Oh, this would be our 16th anniversary, although we have been together for about 17.5 yrs.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[amethist]

Hi jawn

This one your going to have to play by ear, as in see how the day starts off.

We have missed out on so many birthdays, anniversaries and friends weddings over the last 3 years. My 50th birthday was the most upsetting to have to let go as just another day, just over 2 years ago. My husband has missed out on our grandchildren birthdays, Christmas with them, and so much more.

This is really difficult for you, but all you can do is maybe just show her that you are still there for her, but in a smaller way than you have done in the past. With little fuss, remembering that too much good stress can be as bad as bad stress.

Others may be able to give you a different way of approaching this day, as sufferers react differently depending on the way you handle it all.

Good luck with this, it is not easy as we all understand.

Amethist

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Amethist. I probably should add a little more info here. Birthdays, anniversaries, etc. have been "just another day" for the past 3 yrs or so. In many cases we have just done nothing. In some cases late in the day she would say lets go to dinner or something. This time, the other activity that she told me to go do, is an event I have done before when it did not conflict with anything else. This event (motorcycle related) would take me out of town for a couple of days.

On one hand it might be a nice break for me, but on the other I don't want her to feel like I ditched her for the weekend either.

Jawn
P.S. Did I mention that the birthday thing can be most troubling since we share the same birthday? At least we never forget it! ;-)

 

[catjudo]

My advice as a "sufferer" (I don't really know how helpful this is because everyone is different) for what it is worth...

Respect that your wife doesn't want to celebrate or make a big deal of the anniversary. But don't leave town for the weekend either. Like you said, there have been past events when later in the day she decided she'd like to go to dinner. It may be that the idea of celebrating in any capacity seems overwhelming to her but there is a chance that on the actual day she will find herself feeling well enough to make some small effort or gesture. If you're out of town you'd miss that opportunity to celebrate with her, even if it is in just some very small way.

 

[Jawn]

Catjudo,

I think that is good advise and was kinda what I was thinking about doing. I may take an approach like I did on Valentine's Day. I gave her a little kids card and a little box of heart candies. I put it in her car the night before, so she found it when she left for work in the morning. She told me that evening that it was cute. I didn't give her flowers or a mushy card and that seemed to work OK then. So maybe a funny card or something. I'll need to think about that.

Jawn

 

[Jawn]

ok, for those that have followed my saga on the Big Shock Tonight thread, do you still think I should still handle our anniversary on Saturday as recommended on this thread? i.e. Don't make a big deal out of it, but don't leave town either?

My wife has told me that she plans on doing something with her friend during the day on Saturday and has told me to go to my motorcycle event a couple of times. Now that she has said she wants a divorce, I was just curious as to how folks thought I should handle this.

Thanks,

Jawn

 

[Iam]

I agree with Catjudo. Stay around, be available & maybe make a small gesture of rememberance. If she chooses to go out with her friend accept it without making her feel guilty and tell her to go have a good time. You may find that she ends up wanting to go out for lunch or dinner with you. If so, GREAT!

 

[Jline]

Lots of good advice! I always say it's just another day but to people without PTSD it's important to celebrate and remember love. Do something good for you on that day for sure!

 

[AdamAnt]

Staying around even though would be the classy thing to do IMHO....It'd be unclassy to broadcast it of course, but I think that finding something to do, but still being available just gives her an opportunity to reciprocate. If she does, good, if not, you tried and were a class guy even if she doesn't notice.

 

[Jawn]

An update here. I did stay around for the day and she did go do something with her friend for most of the day. We ended up having dinner together at home and I bbq'd some ribs. She told me it was a great dinner. She also commented that "it looks nice" because I had gotten busy with the weed eater and knocked down some tall grass/weeds along our 1/4 mile long driveway.

 

[Tessa]

I'm glad it seems to have turned out ok. I can recall years of not wanting to celebrate or go to parties etc. I have also contemplated just going away to be by myself when all inside is numb. I have a beautiful husband who I do not mean to hurt and it must be so hard for our carers when it is not them we hate...just the numb nothingness inside.

My prayers are with you both.

 

[Jawn]

Thank you Tessa. I appreciate hearing from someone that has been there with this experience.

Jawn