How To Handle My Boyfriend With Ptsd

[Linnybug89]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this site, and new to a relationship with a former military man with PTSD. I have fallen in love with this guy, and I'm doing my best to understand him, and he's even opened up a lot to me about his PTSD and told me things I never thought he would about his war experiences. It's seems to be he goes in waves with me, we spend a great weekend together and then he distances himself.

This past weekend we had an amazing time together and grew so close really opening up to one another and confessing our love. He moved away this week for a job and of course I was devastated. The night before he left we got into an argument and I was pushing him to let me come see him, while he had mentally checked out and was ready to leave, not wanting to "have to say goodbye once again" to me. I pushed and pushed and pushed until he just shut down and now I haven't heard a word from him since Wednesday night.

It's so hard, but he shuts me out like this, especially when I push him. Should I just leave him alone until he contacts me? He asked me and my son to move with him even, and yet he can't answer and call or text from me. I'm so confused and don't know how to handle this.

Any advice??

 

[KwanYingirl]

Change is very difficult for PTSDers. He has a lot of new information to absorb and it will take him time to return to baseline functioning (ie:fitting a relationship into his 'new world')

I'm sure some parts will be overwhelming him emotionally and the kindest thing you can give him is trust and space and time. The more you challenge him the more violated he'll feel. Let him get settled then I'm sure he'll make contact.

 

[somethingsomething]

Don't push him. I'm telling you...when people push me I tend to want to push them out of my life. I'm not trying to scare you with that, but pushing him isn't going to get the results you want. You need to be patient.

 

[Linnybug89]

That's been my hardest thing with him I've realized, I'm a pusher and it totally shuts him down. Last thing I said to him was that I'm done trying to make contact. So it's up to him. I could tell he's been overly stressed, I mean he's moving across the country by himself anyone would be nervous. I'm just shocked that he totally blocked me out. I'm hoping once he does settle in I hear from him. I'm not going to contact him anymore[DOUBLEPOST=1405127930,1405127788][/DOUBLEPOST]And thank you for your replies!

 

[mconn27]

I have the same problem!! My bf has PTSD and when we argue things get out of hand very quickly and then when I keep pushing he starts being mean so I then I just want him to stop and to resolve the argument. I stupidly always think my message will "get through" to him and he'll stop being mean and arguing with me. I don't know why I don't ever learn to give him space; it turns out the same every time. It's so hard to not push because I hate when we are in a fight!

 

[Linnybug89]

@mconn27

Yes, it's been quite the battle within myself to control it! Testing my patience (harder than working with my 4 year old) but it's something that we both need to address and work on, being a newer relationship for us I hope it's something we can figure out! It's crazy to see how if I start getting irritated and push his buttons, the littlest thing will make him snap and send the conversation into a whole different direction.

 

[mconn27]

yes exactly!!! So nice to have someone who understands; if I try to talk to a friend they absolutely to not understand, just want to be quick to say he's a bad person. I'm like if you just take 2 mins to research PTSD you will see these are legitimate symptoms and the same in MANY people who have it. We are in an argument right now that (after a few hours passed) we were trying to resolve and my difficulty is trying to get him to understand that sometimes I don't know when he needs to be left alone and that I wish he'd tell me before the cussing etc started. He's being really stubborn and saying that I should get the hint and I should know. I told him that wasn't fair and I wish he would tell me more nicely and he said at that point he's already too pissed off. So now we are kind of at a dead end.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, do not push. If my current guy were to push me on ANYTHING, I would be out the door so fast and wouldn't look back. He gives me space whenever I need it, as he knows that my need for space isn't about him at all. (Yeah, still shocked about this one, as he's the first person I've known who hasn't taken my need for space personally!) The flip side of that is I know my boundary line. He has told me over and over again that he will always give me whatever space I need, but I just need to tell him that I need the space....key word is that I have to actually tell him my need. If I just stop talking to him, that is his indication that things are over. I know my line, I know my boundary, I know what he requires from me in order to have my own personal needs met. The key is communication with firm boundaries.

 

[mconn27]

I keep asking mine to try and work with me so I can work with him; ie alerting me to give him space before things get too bad, and just telling me period that he needs it. I told him when he doesn't say anything at all then I sit here and worry that I won't hear from him ever again.

 

[Linnybug89]

I told him when he doesn't say anything at all then I sit here and worry that I won't hear from him ever again.

Geez, that's literally how I always feel, that when he gets like this I feel like that's the last time I'll ever here from him, and it's such a devastating and empty feeling. Now that he's miles apart I really don't know if I'll hear from him again...

 

[mconn27]

Mine and i are long distance too, but thankfully only for a few more months. We tried to resolve our fight last night which ended up with him hanging up on me and blocking my number.. so today here I sit all day and haven't heard a word. Normally he doesn't ignore me this long :-( Been a crappy day!!

 

[mconn27]

I finally caved and called him to see what was going on.. and he said he wasn't mad anymore and asked why i hadn't contacted him either (He's always the first to contact me because he's 3 hours behind me so I wait for him to wake up). So it wouldn't be typical on a normal day for me to be the first to message. After we hung up he texted me to say he had actually been waiting for me to hit him up because he had all these random things he wanted to talk to me about. :happy: This type of relationship is not easy but I think learning to not take comments and him needing space so personally will make it a lot easier!!