Relationship How To Hold Yourself Together While He (ptsd Partner) Is Withdrawing

[CC101089]

Good day! This is to sought your great advice and practical tips on how to still manage myself, my thoughts and emotions whilst being on a relationship with a person who suffers from PTSD.
Long story short, we were engaged, but right beforehand he opened about his 2 failed marriages and his PTSD (veteran deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan)
He is 8 year older than me . He lives by himself taking up crash courses(but cannot finish even one semester) and I am living peacefully and working by myself too. We were good and I did research and study about his condition. But just recently, his withdrawal became extent up to the point that he cancelled our wedding. He made it clear that it is not because of me or he met someone, but simply because he has emotional issues (his dad passed away 5 months ago) We surpassed that matter and still continued our relationship because wedding can wait. However there would be days that he is sweet, some days he would be a TOTAL DISTANT and COLD person. He even pushes me away and tells me to LIVE MY OWN LIFE! But whenever I ask him if he still wants this, he says YES.

So my questions are:
1. Whenever he is being pushy and mean how should i respond? What are the practical things that I should do?

2. How can I still maintain the balance in my life having this kind of relationship?Simply, how not lose my own light?

Any response from you will be a great help!

 

[Snowflakes]

Hi @CC101089 Welcome.

To answer your questions:

1. You can set boundaries. By that, you can tell him that when he is pushy and mean you will simply walk away. When it happens, just walk away and find something else to do. This part is difficult but try not to take it personally.

2. You can go to a therapist yourself, preferably one with experience in PTSD. Not because you need a therapist for a problem but rather to give you coping skills and to help you not to lose your own light.

Others will come alone and offer more suggestions. Meanwhile, read all our stories. Seeing that we all go through similar things with our sufferers will give you insight.

Most of all, remember you cannot change him so be sure to take care of you.

 

[Snowflakes]

@CC101089 Just a quick add on here. I noticed in chat you were asking what to do when he isolates. You need to give him the time and space to work on his thoughts alone. You can let him know you are there but don't offer advice or nag him. Our sufferers need that time and space alone. And sometimes it can be a long time.

You also said he is willing to go to counseling. That is great. Only he can learn to manage his PTSD.

Take care.

 

[CC101089]

@CC101089 Just a quick add on here. I noticed in chat you were asking what to do...

Thank you for the swift reply!!! But just to ask again,. What should I do if he is pushing me away? Should i take it or not?

 

[CC101089]

Thank you for the swift reply!!! But just to ask again,. What should I do if he is pushing me away? Sh...

Im sorry I wasn't able to read your first reply! Very helpful! Thanks!

 

[Linzee]

@CC101089 I really have nothing to add to what @Snowflakes already said. It is sound advice.
One simple thing I can offer you is to "react&respond" when he pushed you away, believe that's what he wants and stay away. When he pulls you back in, reach out to him if you want to.

Until you can establish boundaries and better communication this is really all you can do. You can also choose not to stay, its a tough road we all walk.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. The first thing you should do is get him in therapy and let him sort himself out. I feel it's futile to be in a relationship with someone with untreated PTSD. Especially if you are the only one trying to figure things out. He's the one with PTSD. He should be on this forum. He should be the one seeking information. He should be the one in therapy.
Peace and love to you and your veteran!!

 

[caligirl03]

Hi there. The first thing you should do is get him in therapy and let him sort himself out. I feel it's...

This reply is everything. PTSD is HIS issue, not yours. And while you can read all the books or attend all the classes or write on all the forums in an attempt to become the most supportive partner in the world, none of it will make a difference if he doesn't also promise--and make good on his promise-- to consistently get the help he needs. As someone who dated a combat vet with untreated PTSD for years, I can personally attest to the fact that attempting to navigate this all on your own without any commitment to heal from him is ultimately an exercise in futility...

 

[LuckiLee]

This reply is everything. PTSD is HIS issue, not yours. And while you can read all the books or atte...

Thanks caligirl... I thought I may have been too harsh. My Veteran and I know he will be in therapy and on some type of medication for the rest of his life. We've accepted it and can deal with it TOGETHER.

 

[CC101089]

Hi there. The first thing you should do is get him in therapy and let him sort himself out. I feel it's...

Thanks! He's attending his counseling and therapy. He really Acknowledged that he needs it. He had been diagnosed with PTSD for almost 5 years. But i guess leaving him to sort things out is a very practical thing to do too. Thanks!

 

[CC101089]

@CC101089 I really have nothing to add to what @Snowflakes alread...

I guess boundaries and communication are some of keys to help us through as couples and individuals too. I appreciate the very practical and honest response! Thanks!

 

[LuckiLee]

Thank you for the swift reply!!! But just to ask again,. What should I do if he is pushing me away? Sh...

Hi CC....
I've been wanting to reply to this comment but it's been a little crazy here and I knew this would be a little long.

*You need to have a conversation with him (on a good day) about these issues. Tell him what he says and does and how it makes you feel. He may not remember as my veteran disassociates during these times. You have to come up with a plan together as to what you should do. He will probably have some good suggestions. We have decided that I would just say "you're being unfair right now, we will discuss this when you're feeling better". It took us a while to figure this out because I have always defended myself in arguments.
*Do not engage /argue with him during these times it will only add fuel to the fire. Which I'm sure you know already.
*I've been with J for 5 years now so I have become pretty good at seeing when his stress is going to overflow. It can build up easily and quickly and sometimes over a few days or even weeks. Most people probably isolate at this time but we live together so that is impossible. These are the times I give him space. I make plans with family and friends to let him.......be.
*If you feel you are in physical danger you need a safe place to go. And if he is physically violent, I wouldn't stay there.
*This is not an easy life. It takes alot of hard work on both our parts. But I feel he's worth it and we have loved each other since we were teenagers.
*J was untreated for many years and his previous wives' /girlfriends didn't want to help, encourage or support him in any way. I on the other hand would do anything for him. He was suicidal when we started talking again. The Detroit VA saved his life. Literally!! He did the work/therapy program with them and it put him back on track. It's been a tough road but so worth it!
*I try to limit the stress around him. Even good stress can be too much for him sometimes. In the beginning I remember THINKING these stressors are just life. We have to pay bills, make phone calls, cut grass, do dishes etc. etc. But they're not "just life" to him. They can be the straw that broke the camels back. We as supporters take on alot of the responsibilities other couples deal with together. Sometimes our stress level is elevated so we NEED to take care of ourselves first and foremost!!

I could go on all day. I've been dodging these eggshells like a pro. Lol

Well, I hope this finds you well and at peace. Take away what works and leave the rest. I hope you two are able to work together to come up with solutions. But it HAS to be together. He must get the help he needs and deserves. And he should include you as much as possible. ✌ &❤ to you!


Again, DO NOT engage /argue when he is raging! He will only become more angry. (in my experience)
Good luck, Sister! XO