How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[ms spock]

I am finding it hard to sit with the shame of not having had a life with a job, career, friends and family. At times I can be very difficult to be around. I just disappear or lash out.

I have avoided, dissociated, disappeared and had major depressive episodes throughout my life. I had CFS for a long time which I now realise was depression and somatisation. My PTSD wasn't disagnosed for a long time so I didn't realise that I didn't do anything that I couldn't do whilst hypervigilant. I rarely came out of hypervigilance.

So now I am in my late 40s and I have done very little with my life. I don't know what I am going to say to employers when I get out there looking for jobs. My psychiatrist said I could say I have been a homemaker.

I find it really hard to face the fact I haven't an actual life as I wasn't actually present, and I used to last out at people so I stopped being around people until I learnt not to do this - of course that didn't go well as I just avoided and avoided and avoided and I avoided my life away.

I was profoundly dissociated for a couple of years at a time as well. So I haven't followed though with most things. The only thing I have done is community building on a couple of online forums. I have had a few short term jobs, done a bit of activism and projects. But I never followed anything through.

At times I am going to Radical Acceptance and just going back to that and going back to that and going back to that.

But still I am finding it hard and I am ruminating more than a little bit about it. I have to go through this process I know to get to the other side so I can move on. Denial is not helpful. Lying is not helpful.

I am finding it a little bit hard. I have had no sense that you could begin a thing, do some work, work on it and actually finish something. I had no sense that things didn't go on for eternity and were unrelenting torments. It always seemed that everything was so totally overwhelming - that I couldn't possible do it. And that thinking robbed me of a life. I had no capacity within my body to sit with feelings. I didn't have the skills to have a life. I feel a little bit low about that today on and off. I have been practicing being honest for a couple of years now. It has been hard going and a very different discipline to do that. I am working on not comfort eating and a whole stack of other things. So today I am doing okay.

It is sitting with the reality of the past which is tricky. I don't have much to put on a resume - and I am not interested in magical thinking or that some things I have done have merit. I know that some things that I have done have merit - well probably I don't in some ways. But the thing is sitting with the honest truth.

I haven't stood on my own two feet. I haven't supported myself. I missed out on being an adult. I missed out on having jobs and routines.

I am guessing that if I actually could be with the shame, if I could feel it for a few minutes it would help, but I don't know that is just my guess.

 

[NatBird]

I can relate to so much of what you have shared: the not knowing you could begin, work on something and finish. Simply not being given what you need to flourish as an adult. I'm grateful for your articulation: much of what you described remains stuck in my chest/throat for now.

I'm unsure what you wanted as a response. Apologies in advance if what I say is irrelevent.

It sounds as though you are grieving. In what you write I recognize another layer of acknowledging the impact abuse can have and what has been lost as a result.

I relate to the shame. I had it this past week/end. When it comes up I am trying to remember that my responses to what happened - making myself absent, were the tools I had at my disposal at the time.
I try to be with the sadness to the best of my ability. Also I am taking it that my version of life at the moment: how it looks, feels, is just as valid, important.

When I was away on this residential someone asked me -- do you live in a f*cking cave or what? This was in response to them asking me about my cultural consumption, which is pretty much at zero. I felt a flinch in my gut and my solar plexus wanting to collapse. It helped me know I was moving into shame. I was then able to say - yes for the last few years I have been in some type of cave. I've been using my life energy to focus on my healing and learning about healing modalities. I guess we all choose where we invest energy and that's where much of mine has been placed and is placed for now.

I'm not trying to present this as some ideal response. It was just a moment when I felt, no, I'm going go be present and own what I have been doing, I have been trying to save my life, however scrappy that has been at times, and that I can't walk out on.

I don't know you but have seen your posts. I sense you work incredibly hard at creating a life from what you have been given. No you don't have the typical things, right now. What you do have is something you are truely making with all your life force, with your own hands.

This message is meant with much affirmation and respect. Wishing you well.

 

[Friday]

More coming later... Or I'd stay up all night.

It strikes me that you have 2 entwined but very different problems; the reality of your past (be whatever it may), and what of your past to present to others, in a professional setting, and in what fashion; aka a CV / Résumé.

A suggestion, which I myself find extremely difficult, is that narrowing the field of view is not lying. Nor, is it necessarily deception, although lying with the truth is a very real thing. Even if it feels like lying and deception to keep your focus very narrow... There are ways to do that, without it being a falsehood.

 

[anthony]

You're too focused on what was versus what is. Present tense is your focus, not past tense. You can say anything you want, even a version of truth if it fits. Example, "I haven't really needed to work, as my husband provides everything I need. I did community work, blah blah, keeping busy in life, but decided I want my own career now, so I went to university, got educated, and here I am, motivated ready to earn my own life."

The past can be worded to still be a version of the truth, you may just negate certain aspects, all without lying, thus keeping with your other ethos of wanting to be honest with others and yourself. There is a big difference between not saying something at all versus outright lying. Not saying something is not lying, because you haven't said anything to lie about.

The truth mixed with what your present focus is and future feelings... the past is all learning. Without your past you wouldn't have gone to uni and doing what you're doing now. How you choose to view your present is up to you. Positively or negatively - it is a choice.

 

[GrayOwl]

Wow.
I am overwhelmed.
I so agree with Friday.... I could sit and absorb and respond all night. That was a lot of mental and emotional download.
And I relate oh so well.

If I were an employer and you articulated to me as well as you have throughout the forums......

It's not so much what have you done, but what can you bring too the workplace. You have been honest, helpful, candid, sincere, dedicated and hard working. The sum total of what you have or have not done prior to now in your life is of little consequence compared to the assets that you present.
You are someone that I would feel I could rely upon as a friend, a workmate, or a supporter.
Those are the things that your life and your efforts portray to me - things I as an individual consider supreme over titles and material accumulations that denote status or "accomplishment". And any employer that is worth their salt, or worth working for, will recognize that.
You've been dealt a tough hand in life and played it well.
Lunch is over, I have to go back to work. Perhaps more later....
The values and assets that are truly important in life lie in the mind and the heart and you are rich in those. Stay true to your course and the other things will fall in place.
Try not to over analyze or project outcomes, that has usually led me toward dark moods that I needn't have gone toward.
To thine own self be true.

 

[Killashandra]

Dear Ms Spock,

I too understand the shame and feeling of deprivation of not having a full and fantastic life, I personally live on the fence, I know I can accomplish what I put my mind to, I just have no drive to do it. The fear of putting myself out there for education and lack of has been my most regretful non action, but again similar to your experience, I was never taught how to be a adult and to live. So really, I am just being harsh on myself for something that I could not have controlled anyways.

On an up note, your presence here on this forum has had far reaching consequences for those you have helped and listen to and advised, your dedication and focus to stay here for the better half of a decade says to me that you are not giving yourself the credit you deserve.

Resumes are not the be all and end all of employment, your linguistics and written word show tremendous intellect, I could only wish to be able to express the written word as eloquently as you.

So put down home maker if you choose, but you can also put down, Never giving up, Troubleshooting, Empathy, cash handling, dedication, learning, not afraid of a challenge. Because honesty we're all challenging here... ☺ I don't mean that in a nasty way..

So what if you don't rock climb, or abseiling, yachting, have traveled extensively, or have a million dollar mansion in the Hamptons or aspen or Bahamas.

It is most challenging to change your thinking and change the learned behaviour, but our past doesn't define us, it has shaped and ruined many of us but we can change that, if we don't give up. It's not magical thinking to be honest with what is good about ourselves. It's hard, yes, but not magical. It's honest.

Right at this moment I feel like a fraud for saying all of this, I can't even go to work or into public without freaking out and today I have had the worse day for despising who I am and the hurt I have caused others, to the point where I just don't know what to do or if I'm trying hard enough, I want to change but feel so worthless and such a terrible burden on my husband and daughter.

But take it or leave it, these are my thoughts, you've been such an inspiration to others here.

Hugs Killa xx

 

[shell]

@Ms Spock as you know I can totally relate, it was really confronting to face that I had just been existing and going through life like an empty robot, and had spent the last 20 years minimising my life, dissociating and avoiding people.

Feeling shame about what was is pointless, self harming and just keeps you focused on the past.

The greatest gift I was given in the last year or so was the gift of life, of opportunity, of being able to change, when I faced the truth. Yes I have lost many, many years but dwelling on that would steal the happiness I enjoy right now.

Be kind to yourself, go out and enjoy the freedom that knowledge brings. It is not your shame to carry, but it would be a shame to punish your for being traumatised. Mourn the loss, but don't dwell there, because it's not worth losing another second. Life is too precious.

One of saddest things that is so apparent is that long term trauma leads to so much self loathing, which holds us trapped in the past, and in continues the abuse.

Telling a potential employer that you have been employed with house duties would be fine, don't forget being a carer.

When we stop believing the lies of the past, we change, we don't continue to act in ways that hurt others , because we don't have to defend ourselves from all the self hate and self attacking. Mrs Spock this step is part of the journey to healing, it is a process.

 

[scout86]

With respect to your feelings about the past. A lot of people from the U.S.state of Texas take great pride in being Texans. I mean GREAT pride. There are bumper stickers that say, "Texas. Up wasn't born here but I got here as fast as I could." I think of my own life kind of like that. It may not be a happy fact, but it's pretty factual. And there doesn't seem to be any advantage to spending a lot of energy beating myself up for things I can't change.

 

[Eagle3]

Hey, I totally understand what you are saying, and I feel the same way. Having to face the fact that I don't know how to adult, and really have no confidence that if I try I can make it happen. This is why I'm in therapy...

Healing from this realization is a long and difficult process and involves not just learning to sit with the emotions, but finding a way to challenge the ingrained assumptions and grow from the experience. Take all the time you need to be comfortable with the feelings. Its an important step in the process.

Sending hugs and baskets of fruit and all that jazz you always send me :-)

 

[ms spock]

I am doing better with this - lots of Radical Acceptance and Self Compassion. It will take some time but I will get there with this issue. It comes and goes.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I have a period of my life where I did nothing.

I found that if I just started to get productive and DO things, life started to get better. And when I was around people if I redirected the conversation to be about them, their interests, their work, then they liked me and I could develop a new relationship and pattern and I didn't have to explain why I didn't have a 'normal' background. People don't honestly ask about me much. They love talking about themselves.

And regarding work/interviews that can be a quick conversation(I lived off a trust fund, I was a housewife, etc) just redirect the question to them.

Regarding your shame, honestly you will probably feel that shame until you develop new habits, patterns, and relationships. You won't be able to analyze yourself out of shame for not doing more. You will have to start doing things with baby steps. Take a class, join a club or gym, do more volunteer work until you find paid employment etc.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm not working and couldn't handle uni and had to drop out of a part time course :bag::oops:. I haven't given up yet and I'm a lot better than I was last year. Things are getting better.

This helps, not that I want to be famous or anything but just a reminder, it's never too late to start a whole new life.
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