How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[Angela Corgan]

I feel shame at not being like everybody else, partner, children, and now NO family. I also have observed people with these things, and it's not like in books or commercials everything has its territories... I am feeling my shame, but letting it pass. I find that remembering the positive things about me, helps and recogning the anger I feel when I realise that I can not have everything at once, and that sometimes I am so exhausted emotional, mentally and physically I just have to find away to rest. I also think people get scared when people don't obviously conform and perhaps jealous. The jerk who asked someone where they had been culturally may have been jealous perhaps some of those things they unconsciously find boring but feel they have to do!:)

 

[Rani G2]

I have felt little snapshots of shame for not having the hardiness to cope better.

But rarely when it comes to "having no life". It surely has something to do with our own biography, moral views that have conditioned our mindsets. As for the " having no life" I ask myself compared to whom? Those who have not gone through trauma? Or is it the shame of my personal failure for not being able to stay stable , build a career, have a family and so on?

Yeah....putting poems in here is a bit silly maybe, but I will still do it.

For we have to ask ourselves, here and now, do we wish to join that procession, or don't we? On what terms shall we join that procession? Above all, where is it leading us, the procession of educated men?...Let us never cease from thinking--what is this "civilisation" in which we find ourselves? What are these ceremonies and why should we take part in them? What are these professions and why should we make money out of them? Where in short is it leading us, the procession of the sons of educated men?

Virginia woolf

 

[Gadgie]

I remember thinking to myself years ago when I was 40, that I was glad I had crammed so much life into the first 40 years of my life, as life was so dull at the time.

I remember being envious of blokes who worked close to home, who could go home every night to their family, as I spent so much time working away from home, too much time away.

In fact I was envious of a lot of other people's life style, but since then I've come to realise that I was wrong, as life is what we make of it, not what other folk make out of theirs, good luck.

 

[ms spock]

I found that if I just started to get productive and DO things, life started to get better.

I so wish that I understood that 25 years ago.

And when I was around people if I redirected the conversation to be about them, their interests, their work, then they liked me and I could develop a new relationship and pattern and I didn't have to explain why I didn't have a 'normal' background. People don't honestly ask about me much. They love talking about themselves.

Good strategy.

Regarding your shame, honestly you will probably feel that shame until you develop new habits, patterns, and relationships. You won't be able to analyze yourself out of shame for not doing more. You will have to start doing things with baby steps. Take a class, join a club or gym, do more volunteer work until you find paid employment etc.

You are spot on! I have been doing all these things the last couple of years. I am now studying full time at university with about 4-5 weeks to go. It is just now I am more connected to myself so I am having feelings!

 

[intothelight]

I have been thinking a lot about this thread and just wanted to share some of my own thoughts and opinions. When we (western humans) talk about "life" we tend to measure it against a yard stick of "accomplishment". In essence we put our value on what we achieve using a yardstick of "social norms". In essence we make ourselves "humandoings" instead of humanbeings.

There is nothing wrong with accomplishing things in life and they can make a person feel fulfilled, but in the end that is only a fraction of our lives and perhaps the part that matters little to anyone but us and those perhaps dependent. I credit this lesson or the start of it, for myself, to my own children. Since they are all adults now, I find the things they remember and cherish the most were not those of a material nature, but the laughter, love, and overall just being there.

So perhaps we need to measure our worth in the kindness, generosity, patience, laughter and love and the things that really matter. At the end of the day it is who we were and the lives we touched, the changes (even small) that we made and the fact that we left something or a few things better than if we had not existed that really matters. It isn't so much that we "know" the effects, as many times we won't, but it is living with that in mind.

I cannot change the world....but perhaps I can be a small change in someone's or somethings' world. Oh, and many or your posts and your outreach to others does that. Please make that part of your measuring stick.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@intothelight - May I "like" your post 100 times?! :) Wisdom!

I, too, have been thinking about this thread @Ms Spock. Others have offered so much, that what I could offer would pale in comparison. I will just add that I stand in solidarity with you and your struggles as I share many of the same issues and thoughts.

I have run through a response for you and run through my own mental/emotional hoops in regards to your what you've written. I think what @anthony wrote regarding keeping your focus on the present is important. It's where I strive to stay each day because that is where the light of hope resides. I don't know about you, but the past has no light for me. Sometimes, past experience can give perspective and offer lessons when I am strong enough to keep the boundary between past and present firmly maintained. For now though, for me, it's the birthplace and boneyard for pain, regret, fear, shame, guilt, and..... insert all other negative thoughts here.

In staying in the present, I seem to be able to take small, consistent steps to build and strengthen the foundation and structures I have put in place around myself so that I can learn to live another way. Sometimes, it feels like my foundation is but stilts, but then I am inspired again to start putting the stones back into place to underpin my healing. I see you are working on this as well.

How we measure our life is important as well. It seems to often breakdown into a judgment session though due to our society. That's unfortunate. Even knowing this, I still find myself wandering over to the yard stick that @intothelight mentions and fall into being a "humandoing" instead of keeping my focus where, in my heart and spirit, I know is a healthier spot to be - in focusing on my heart song in life. Sometimes, I just yearn for connection with something known, however, even if I know it isn't healthy for me. It's daunting to have to be in a perpetual state of teaching myself about life when I'm 50. It's part of my journey though, so I will take it and be grateful that I am still here and have the opportunity. It could have gone very differently for me and I know that. Working on living through my heart song now, however. Lots of worship music and being in nature for this butterfly.

In terms of the practical application of your quandary, i.e. work history. I've been without a permanent job since 2009 when I was laid off. I have spent time as a volunteer, temping, and maybe one year here or there at a company, etc... I have also spent a great deal of time rescuing and securing my mom for which I made a title and slapped it on my resume. It's often hard to explain my work history and I feel embarrassed inside, but hey, this is MY life and it takes some moxy to get through it. I don't expect anyone to understand anymore, I just need to get myself on board with my reality.

Also, there is a saying in the rooms - "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." So, I conclude, often, that it's about finding the right organization in many ways as they will focus on you and how you come across in the interview and how you explain your past few years of work-life or time spent in school. As others have noted, a lot of times, it's how you frame what you've been doing that is important. You could put down that you are volunteering, which you are in essence. You are in community and you are seeking to help others out here. That is the spirit of a volunteer. You are also working with children, I believe, as a teacher. It's kind of like reframing your history when you work up a resume. Focusing on the skills you have used and are using, and how you've solved problems that might have arisen. Hope that makes sense. Best to you - VB

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Popping in, here, to say - what a powerful thread, thank you all for sharing! I am "marking place" and would like to comment in more length if time allows, later.

In the meantime, suffice it to say - my husband has, by any "resume" measuring stick (with a nod to @intothelight on this point), been merely "unemployed" for almost 10 years. Psh. He works harder than anyone I've ever met! But fact is, owning your own properties in a downed economy doesn't measure to much in dollars or explainable work experience. I've helped him with his resume's in times past - and he's gotten solid interviews. But fact is, in our case, my husband just isn't in a position to be able to take a "normal" job (more complex than a question of "PTSD"). We've been easily able to "explain" his lack of "work" in terms of SELF-employment (kinda akin to your above comment about "homemaker" @Ms Spock), but even this feels "weak." (Good thing we're not "led" by our "feelings" eh?) ;)

Nevertheless, he gets attention for what he IS doing - including a letter of commendation from the local Zoning Administrator for basically single-handedly, with almost nothing but a shovel and the sweat of his own brow, transforming his whole neighborhood from a literal dump into beautiful land, marketable properties.

I agree with many of the other above observations - the issue in "resume" has to do with DEMONSTRATING your competence. (Why should I hire you?) .. MANY ways to spin that yarn truthfully to communicate what needs to be heard.

But to the degree you are measuring your OWN "worth" - ie, you yourself looking in the mirror, NOT merely at a potential employer? Your "worth" isn't measured in $$ or, as stated above, "accomplishment" - unless perhaps there was a better way to expound on the very REAL and GENUINE and PRAISEWORTHY ACCOMPLISHMENT of survival and overcoming insurmountable circumstances by sheer self-will and knowing when to reach out for help when needed, etc.? (And yes, I believe there are ways to quantify that.)

Inside OUR relationship, my husband doesn't have to feel he isn't a "provider" in the "traditional" sense, because I don't look to him to provide, for one. And for two, he DOES "provide" - and WILL provide for our family, should God grace us with kids, because he works with his hands, can work the land, can BUILD from nothing, and is driven by a core work ethic and standards of excellence that I can only HOPE our kids will emulate. And for three, which really goes back to point one - we look to God to be OUR provider - whether that's a standard bi-weekly paycheck for me, or equity nursed out of the ground by my husband's own blood/sweat/tears. WE take care of each OTHER, because we can trust where we're being LED together.

Wish I had time to say more! MUCH AFFECTION to you, Ms Spock! You are WORTH so much, and MEASURED by something far greater than a resume! Yes, "to thine own self be true." You were made ON PURPOSE and FOR a purpose. I think you're realizing it, too! Thank you for all the ways you've been an example on this site, which is no doubt but a fraction of "IRL"!! ;)

~WU

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for all your comments. I am thinking on it!

 

[ms spock]

There is a lot of merit of what is being said in this thread - and I appreciate the time and energy that has gone into those responses, there is another side of it as well though- and I talked to my psychiatrist and she said that "You missed out on 20 years of life so now was the time to really go for it!" You are all correct and at some point I will dwell on that, but the main thing now is to make the most of each day so I don't add more wasted days. It wasn't only a career that I missed out on. I missed out on some of the things that you are talking about as well. It is hard to define it all. The resume thing brought it in to focus but it is a lot deeper than that as well. But then maybe I am just giving myself a hard time and I am so good at doing that for myself.

 

[ms spock]

I am very good at many things it is true. I am good at community building. I am good at caring for people. I am good at organising to save parts of the planet. I am good at writing. I am good at disco dancing. I have a good sense of humour. I have helped people and communities get access to certain things. I am good at participating in democracy. I am okay to be around. So there are good parts of me.

 

[GrayOwl]

Yesterday, my wife and I had some rare time together. We walked through parts of town hitherto unseen. It is late fall going into winter in this part of the country; the trees are bare and the dry leaves scattered everywhere.
We came around a bend where they are rehabbing a city block along the river with cafes and a coffee shop. The entire street has been planted with gardens of mums.
In a bleak landscape of construction dust and oncoming winter was a beautiful array of purples and blues and scarlet and yellows. It was brilliant and lit up the street.
All spring and summer they grew without blooming. I didn't have a problem with their blooming late. Nor did I need to ask why. There is a purpose for everything. It was just nice to savor the moment.
Continue to take time to enjoy all that you have and all that you are Ms Spock. Thank you so much for your postings, your guidance, and your support.
G'day!

 

[ms spock]

I am back to struggling with this again. I am avoiding talking to people so I don't have to say anything.