How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[The Albatross]

Spock, I think you may have fallen into my old trap ... robbing myself of successes because I keep moving the goal post. Your second practicum experience has been a huge improvement over the first for instance and you ARE actualizing a life now. I could prattle off other successes and improvements over the course of this year but will save it.

What is the real issue in your day to day life that you suspect may be causing you to go back into this thinking/cycle?

 

[ms spock]

Yeah you are right.

I am just wanting to aim higher as soon as getting there. I have outdone myself this prac. I really have. I am not dissociated whilst teaching. I am doing good work. My behaviour management has been spot on. My supervising teacher told me it was just perfect the other day. It is just needing to sit with stuff and not run away with it. Of course I have feelings of shame about my life. Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance. Hey everyone has stufs they regret. Self Compassion.

 

[The Albatross]

Or... you are at the point of establishing the "new behavior" and you are ruminating on your previous hardwiring instead of taking the new road to the new more general beneficial way of thinking/being.

 

[ms spock]

Not sure @The Albatross.

It could also be about getting to a new space with radical acceptance. That unless I sit with it I can't own it.

Still overall significant improvement in every arena.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I felt compelled to say this but I feel like I should also add that I am 30 years old and this could take from the meaning somewhat I am unsure. Half of my life at least I did nothing. I did not go to school, I did not celebrate holidays, I did not develop friendships, I did nothing. Occasionally I read or wrote something, but for the majority of the time I developed a rich inner life as a result of constantly dissociating from reality. I can't really remember anything from those years except snippets of abuse and my daydreams. In 2012 I started trying to build a life for myself. It's been four years and it is still a struggle. I have made a single true friend and many associates. I have figured out some dreams for myself and work toward them. My inner 14 year old self guides me now as she seems to have the strongest desires and is the last stronghold of strength from my past. I said this to say that I understand what you mean about doing nothing...I also understand about what you mean when you talk about speaking with others...most people had a childhood good or bad...most people went to school and it was good or bad...most people had friends...good or bad at least these are thoughts I've had but I was alone. I get sad about this still frequently I also look to my future and the things I am doing right now to get there. Again, I don't know very much about others but of myself I feel I can relate to this ...I regret my childhood....I regret not fighting to save myself when I was taken...I regret my wasted life. Now though I struggle with the possibilities of what it could be in the future and if I have the strength to keep fighting for it. I am not sure if this makes sense at all...but I want you to know that your path is your own no matter what has happened, what's been wasted, and what put you off it, your path has been there and will wait for you always. We are the lights of our own feet ..or at least I like to tell myself that. *hugs*

 

[ms spock]

This still burns at times and is the focus of a lot of maladaptive daydreaming - but I am more with it now.

 

[Friday]

I just wanted to say; I've kept this thread open in it's own tab -along with one of your others- for weeks, right now. Because this is very much an issue in my own life. And has been for a very long time. I keep trying to come back to it, as it's something I would very much like to talk with you about, but I don't know how.

I also don't know how closely our issues align. I think yours is more complicated, as you have a rich and vibrant life now that shows the contrast between then and now; a life you don't want to shadow or miss out on in mourning what was; nor lose everything you've fought so hard for, worked for, and built; that proves what you can do & how you can live & inspires even more things to be made of. So you have all the nuances of comparison, & risk, & mourning, & awareness.

So maybe I should say nothing. But I keep seeing the thread title, and the simple answer is "I don't know. But I would like to learn."

 

[ms spock]

It is still a really live issue @Friday and I can easily slip into being sad at a moment's notice if something comes up that echos what has been lost or vibrates with what could have been. I can lose it just like that.

And some days when I do a new skill I get the "Gosh if only I had learned this as a kid or in my early 20s I could have a life. So that you are with this is something that I can truly understand.

The only way I got to this point, after decades of trying, was to go the route of constant Self Compassion Breaks and Radical Acceptance. I don't work on those two, not only each day, but also constantly throughout the day, and I mean I am doing maybe 50 Self Compassion Breaks a day and I am also doing a comparable number of Radical Acceptance - I would not be doing what I am doing now. That is on top of all the other stuff that I do.

Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff (free to download and/or listen)
Radical Acceptance Part 1
The Mindfulness is something that started off with the yoga nidra for veterans twice a day and at some points 1 minute three times per day.
The Breathing Space can be a good one today.
Free meditations from Mindfulness | Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World (free to download and/or listen)

If you want to discuss what is happening with you in this thread then you are most welcome to, because explaining what I am doing keeps it high up on my list of things I am doing - repetition is really key with all this I have found. - and focusing on the shame of not having a life is helping with not self sabotaging (as much) or spiraling downwards which can happen in seconds. I haven't dealt with this in a substantial way by any stretch of the imagination but I am solidly working on it now. At the beginning I had to really come at it sideways or all the self hatred and suicidal ideation would flare up and become overwhelming. I would become incapacitated.

Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

So sometimes talking about that is helpful but sometimes it is more useful to acknowledge what you are feeling - radically accept that and then do something like disco dancing in chat because you have a bit of fun - you create fun together and it gets you a little out of your mindset.

I am not meaning to suggest it as being easy in any way - it is the toughest of work to do - I still feel so much shame at time but as I am with it and after writing this thread I was more able to be in the classroom and be present.

This is a true struggle for me at this time and it really is about when you go into rumination go aha I am ruminating again. Thanks ruminations for trying to take care of me - but you can have a rest now - then radically accept the rumination or the screw up and then Self Compassion or more Radical Acceptance. I keep going back and rereading David Burns. I read Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance (she is free on youtube and her website as well). I am reading Overcoming Worry by Meares and Freeston. I don't let my head have too much unsupervised time so I listen to "The Mindful Way Through Depression" (hundreds of times) and "The Mindful Way Through Anxiety" many, many times. Once I have finished prac I will do an hour of DBT/CBT per day (as well as maths).

 

[ms spock]

@Friday I had a lot of people turn up in my diary and challenge my hardness on myself again and again and again - it was most fortunate that people constantly pointed out to me that I was way too hard and harsh on myself. It is a constant thing.

So this is still ongoing and one that I need to be mindful of this every day because if I don't tend to get overwhelmed by loss/ grief/yearning or what might have beens. I see people who have had these jobs and life choices I never had an option of having and really it is so sad. So Radical Acceptance and Self Compassion are where it is at! And it is such an important practice - if I didn't do this constantly I would not be able to do what I am currently doing.

 

[ms spock]

I also don't know how closely our issues align. I think yours is more complicated, as you have a rich and vibrant life now that shows the contrast between then and now; a life you don't want to shadow or miss out on in mourning what was; nor lose everything you've fought so hard for, worked for, and built; that proves what you can do & how you can live & inspires even more things to be made of. So you have all the nuances of comparison, & risk, & mourning, & awareness.

I don't actually feel I have this - I feel like you have this but not me - I am so damaged, behind the eight ball, have missed out on so much will never blah, blah, blah. I don't see that I have what you say above I don't see that - I see/feel the failure that permeates each arena of my life. Isn't it the funny thing about distorted thinking? We always see ourselves as less than. So I see you are most successful from the way you talk about your son, and your relationships with other members on the forum.

The other thing is you can start your own thread about this, (which on second thoughts might be a good way to go) - if you wanted to and I would be sure to contribute (more after prac finishes). That way you can get tailor made feedback. It is funny how I see you as a success give your son and the relationships that you have on this forum - and you see me as having a vibrant life - it is important to unpack the visceral reactions of self loathing, self doubt, self hatred and the ongoing self attack and self annihilation. If I don't get these ones I don't get to have a life and I have wasted a lot of time on the way here. I really have - I wasted years and years and years.

So more distorted cognitions to unpack. ***rolls up sleeves***

 

[ms spock]

This is not easy, but bit by bit, slowly I am working on this.

 

[ms spock]

This will see like a strange addition but I do this stuff - the constant reassurance is part of it - it is literally growing new neural pathways in my brain and I am working on that each and every day - though I didn't do so well on the weekend in some ways I also come into contact with the reality that I can so no, and that I am very, very, very angry.

Relating to the Fearsome Deities (Part 1) - Tara Brach