D
Deleted member 487
Just be yourself. Everybody else is already taken....
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How to live with the shame of not having had a life?
- Post starter ms spock
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- #74
ms spock
VIP Member
I did really well as a child. I managed to survive an impossible childhood and situation. It was hideous abuse which left me unable to be present in my body when another person is in the room. I actually don't really feel feelings most of the time due to my disordered eating.
The only way I could have done any better if I had been born an adult - then I might have stood a chance. If I had been an adult throughout all the abuse, throughout all those interminable years - then I could have managed it better. Then I wouldn't have lost everything - even the fantasies of what I could have one day have.
The hardest thing is the loss of my sisters and brothers - and there was nothing I could do about my Mother who promised me that if I didn't come back and say the incest and the violence didn't happen that she would make sure my brothers and sister would group up like strangers to me, and then followed up about a decade later saying "O blah blah X's wedding, you are not invited to this pre wedding thing - it is just like they are strangers to you! Who then mocked me for the rest of the day and taunted me with it is almost like you are a stranger to your sister X - and laughed. How can you be so sick in yourself to actually find that funny and keep it running the whole day as a "joke"? I never had a chance against her and my Father. There was no chance to do any better. It is what it is. Radical Acceptance.
So my not having lived a life is the legacy of intergenerational abuse. It is that simple. I didn't have a life because of all that trauma. It is sad, but fortunately I am still alive and I have some skills and talent. So time to work towards using what I have got to work with.
And so now to learn how to trust my own perceptions, my own body, my own gut and my reality. It is time to actually be there and be good enough for myself. I really don't believe that this is possible at all. But I have done things that I don't believe that I could do or were possible for me before - so time to go through that process once again.
The only way I could have done any better if I had been born an adult - then I might have stood a chance. If I had been an adult throughout all the abuse, throughout all those interminable years - then I could have managed it better. Then I wouldn't have lost everything - even the fantasies of what I could have one day have.
The hardest thing is the loss of my sisters and brothers - and there was nothing I could do about my Mother who promised me that if I didn't come back and say the incest and the violence didn't happen that she would make sure my brothers and sister would group up like strangers to me, and then followed up about a decade later saying "O blah blah X's wedding, you are not invited to this pre wedding thing - it is just like they are strangers to you! Who then mocked me for the rest of the day and taunted me with it is almost like you are a stranger to your sister X - and laughed. How can you be so sick in yourself to actually find that funny and keep it running the whole day as a "joke"? I never had a chance against her and my Father. There was no chance to do any better. It is what it is. Radical Acceptance.
So my not having lived a life is the legacy of intergenerational abuse. It is that simple. I didn't have a life because of all that trauma. It is sad, but fortunately I am still alive and I have some skills and talent. So time to work towards using what I have got to work with.
And so now to learn how to trust my own perceptions, my own body, my own gut and my reality. It is time to actually be there and be good enough for myself. I really don't believe that this is possible at all. But I have done things that I don't believe that I could do or were possible for me before - so time to go through that process once again.
D
Deleted member 487
The past is past and there is nothing there to benefit us. Today is here and present now, we can make a go of making it better or worse. Tomorrow, however, we can always try to make it better by what we do today. That is what I was thinking when I signed up for college a couple years ago. I knew what he risks were, and the odds looked really crappy and I took a chance anyways.
What did I get out of it? A new life. New resources. New knowledge. And a new respect for myself. I'm as poor as a church mouse, living in a 12' 1953 travel trailer (I call it the Tuna Can) out in the mountains, not exactly the conditions I want, but it's better than the really nice stick-built house I have. It's better because the threats I had to live with are there and not here. There are problems here, but they are different and everything is different about them. Everything is different. And that makes it better.
So why don't you find a way to make changes in your life? I'm 47 years old. So do not tell me "I'm too old", because unless you're 85 years or older I won't listen to it.
What did I get out of it? A new life. New resources. New knowledge. And a new respect for myself. I'm as poor as a church mouse, living in a 12' 1953 travel trailer (I call it the Tuna Can) out in the mountains, not exactly the conditions I want, but it's better than the really nice stick-built house I have. It's better because the threats I had to live with are there and not here. There are problems here, but they are different and everything is different about them. Everything is different. And that makes it better.
So why don't you find a way to make changes in your life? I'm 47 years old. So do not tell me "I'm too old", because unless you're 85 years or older I won't listen to it.
- Post starter
- #76
ms spock
VIP Member
I don't think you really understand what I am talking about here @cactus_jack. I have made many, many changes in my life @cactus_jack. I took up Mindfulness. Today I swam 20 laps. Last night I went to the local markets and had dinner and watched some bands with some friends. Today I attended a lunch and a meditation with one of my new friendship networks. I made and cooked a beautiful dish to take to share. I have moved house. I retrained as a teacher last year. I worked on my distorted cognitions by reading David Burns. I have also worked on DBT by myself. I attend therapy. I walk three mornings per week with my walking group. This week I attended four meditation events as I am training to get my teacher's certificate in Mindfulness. I have worked on self compassion. Today I booked into a conference in order to update my skills and professional development. I have been disciplined in my recovery and healing process. I do many things each day to change my life.
What I am struggling with is the intrusive thoughts, feelings and flashbacks to moments of violence and desparation or abuse. I have intrusive feelings of corrosive self doubt. I have no ability to trust my own perceptions and reality. I am learning how to be present in my body but at 47 - after a life time of not really being present it is taking time to learn to be there to even know if I am having feelings or experiencing pain in my body. It is not that I am not doing new things or changing my life. The challenge is how to not become incapacitated by feeling electrocuted by my feelings and the terror I feel when I feel present in my body. It is really scary that experience for me. The other thing is that I have missed out on so much in life and that grief intrudes on and off. So I am learning new ways of managing that. So back to the self compassion break once again.
What I am struggling with is the intrusive thoughts, feelings and flashbacks to moments of violence and desparation or abuse. I have intrusive feelings of corrosive self doubt. I have no ability to trust my own perceptions and reality. I am learning how to be present in my body but at 47 - after a life time of not really being present it is taking time to learn to be there to even know if I am having feelings or experiencing pain in my body. It is not that I am not doing new things or changing my life. The challenge is how to not become incapacitated by feeling electrocuted by my feelings and the terror I feel when I feel present in my body. It is really scary that experience for me. The other thing is that I have missed out on so much in life and that grief intrudes on and off. So I am learning new ways of managing that. So back to the self compassion break once again.
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M
MemLT
wow you just told my story.. This is me in every way. And Now I know I'm not going crazy thinking it was just me that feels this way.
- Post starter
- #78
ms spock
VIP Member
You are certainly not alone @MemLT. I am using (rereading) David Burns' book and the dbtselfhelp website to work on my distorted cognitions, as well as working on Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion. They might not work for you but knowing about them might be assistive in the future. I am also in therapy as well.
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D
Deleted member 487
If anything Ms. Spock, I am trying to support you. Sometimes what I say is true and honest, but I say it all wrong. I'm sorry if I did that.
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- #80
ms spock
VIP Member
I was trying to explain what I mean @cactus_jack. I get really frustrated when I don't seem to be able to express what it is I need to talk about. I am doing a lot of recovery based activities. I need refining and finesse in a few areas. I don't seem to be able to discuss that to the level I would like to discuss. I am doing so much, so it feels hard for me when I can't express myself. I feel so unheard so much of the time. Most likely because I don't listen to myself because I was never taught how to have a connection with myself and other people. Severe reactive attachment really blows!
- Post starter
- #81
ms spock
VIP Member
So it all relates back to all or nothing thinking and all the other top ten distorted cognitions from David Burns. It also relates back to not having those DBT skills as well. It relates back to ruminations and shame and being trapped in endless loops of thinking and maladaptive daydreaming.
I did the best that I can. It is good enough. That I am alive is amazing. That I am alive and actually able to heal is out of this world. It still is hard and I do feel regret and sorrow at times. But it is what it is. Radical Acceptance. It is what it is. Self Compassion Break. It is what it is - there are new skills for me to learn in order to manage this.
This also relates to not having the skills to challenge and manage my anxiety thinking and worry patterns.
I did the best that I can. It is good enough. That I am alive is amazing. That I am alive and actually able to heal is out of this world. It still is hard and I do feel regret and sorrow at times. But it is what it is. Radical Acceptance. It is what it is. Self Compassion Break. It is what it is - there are new skills for me to learn in order to manage this.
This also relates to not having the skills to challenge and manage my anxiety thinking and worry patterns.
What a great thread, very helpful.
I was on another PTSD forum for a while but most of it seemed comprised of young-ish folks just finding out about it all and were in the 'talk about the trauma' phase, even to the point where it seemed validation came from competitively seeing whose trauma was worse. A necessary phase, perhaps, but it just didn't resonate.
I just turned 53 and I'm relieved to find others out here who are in a similar boat. I've done all the therapies, have done 30+ years of work "on myself" and yet...and yet...there seems to be no final resolution, no real fix, for this thing, at least not for me.
I once had a shrink put it this way: "It's like you're an amputee with a prosthetic. You walk along pretty well for a while and you can almost forget you have a problem. But every now and then, you trip, you fall, everything falls apart and you're laying there in the street wondering WTF happened. Then, you have to stop, get yourself straightened out again, get the prosthetic strapped back on and in place, hoist yourself back up, get moving again." I was angry about that. I really thought that will, determination and pure mental strength would defeat this thing. I was wrong, and ended up 'falling in the street' for my folly.
I was doing well with EBT (emotional brain training) and 'stretched beyond my means'; I took a high-profile work position that was far beyond my mental/emotional ability and crashed-and-burned. I was out of work on a psych/medical for nearly a year. Now, I've been back to work (a very low position, nearly entry-level - talk about humiliation) for 3 years and I'm just starting to get a bit better. 3 years. That's a long time to be tripped over in the street, eh?
I resonate with the shame and sorrow of lost potential. I was an intelligent, highly sensitive/perceptive/intuitive child, very creative and insightful. I could've been anything, done anything. But, alas - CPTSD. I sometimes have to stave off the total swamping realization of what was lost because it is so overwhelming. I used to hate job applications that asked about hobbies, etc. Hobbies? Interests? What hobbies, what interests, what friends?
Other days, I look at the trees in the forest and realize that the ones that catch my eye are the ones that must've had the hardest time - the crooked ones growing out of the side of a boulder, twisting and reaching for the light and sky. I never once looked at a tree like that and thought, "What the hell's wrong with YOU? Why didn't you grow taller? Fuller? Have more pine cones?" I understand that each one grew in exact coherence with its resources and circumstances.
I have an inkling that peace with this particular piece of the puzzle is somewhere in the middle there.
I was on another PTSD forum for a while but most of it seemed comprised of young-ish folks just finding out about it all and were in the 'talk about the trauma' phase, even to the point where it seemed validation came from competitively seeing whose trauma was worse. A necessary phase, perhaps, but it just didn't resonate.
I just turned 53 and I'm relieved to find others out here who are in a similar boat. I've done all the therapies, have done 30+ years of work "on myself" and yet...and yet...there seems to be no final resolution, no real fix, for this thing, at least not for me.
I once had a shrink put it this way: "It's like you're an amputee with a prosthetic. You walk along pretty well for a while and you can almost forget you have a problem. But every now and then, you trip, you fall, everything falls apart and you're laying there in the street wondering WTF happened. Then, you have to stop, get yourself straightened out again, get the prosthetic strapped back on and in place, hoist yourself back up, get moving again." I was angry about that. I really thought that will, determination and pure mental strength would defeat this thing. I was wrong, and ended up 'falling in the street' for my folly.
I was doing well with EBT (emotional brain training) and 'stretched beyond my means'; I took a high-profile work position that was far beyond my mental/emotional ability and crashed-and-burned. I was out of work on a psych/medical for nearly a year. Now, I've been back to work (a very low position, nearly entry-level - talk about humiliation) for 3 years and I'm just starting to get a bit better. 3 years. That's a long time to be tripped over in the street, eh?
I resonate with the shame and sorrow of lost potential. I was an intelligent, highly sensitive/perceptive/intuitive child, very creative and insightful. I could've been anything, done anything. But, alas - CPTSD. I sometimes have to stave off the total swamping realization of what was lost because it is so overwhelming. I used to hate job applications that asked about hobbies, etc. Hobbies? Interests? What hobbies, what interests, what friends?
Other days, I look at the trees in the forest and realize that the ones that catch my eye are the ones that must've had the hardest time - the crooked ones growing out of the side of a boulder, twisting and reaching for the light and sky. I never once looked at a tree like that and thought, "What the hell's wrong with YOU? Why didn't you grow taller? Fuller? Have more pine cones?" I understand that each one grew in exact coherence with its resources and circumstances.
I have an inkling that peace with this particular piece of the puzzle is somewhere in the middle there.
This is exactly what has chased me away from any in-person PTSD group therapy. It has always devolved into a game of "Can you top this?" That is one thing about this particular site, that is great - it seems that the majority of members really do not fall into that mindset.
You'll still find people new to PTSD, and everyone has his or her own comfort level.... but there's not much point in comparing various traumas and their severity. "Everyone's here for their own reasons."
I was just writing to another "newbie" to this site - I think the whole post you wrote here, @DylanZ, would be great for the "Introductions" forum. Thanks for opening up with so much about yourself - it can be difficult. You are brave! :)
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- #84
ms spock
VIP Member
I have to be honest here - I think that is fantastic. You managed to pull it all backtogether, within a three year time frame. I have immense admiration for your resilience, determination and hard work. It has taken me a lot longer than you - and I really have a solid idea of how much hard work you have done and are doing. I am really, really slow, but I really am doing my very best.
I so relate to the humiliation thingy. I am working on Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion. I hope to go and do her course. I also look at a lot of Radical Acceptance and I am working through the dbtselfhelp website. These might not interest you, but I thought I would mention them. If you have any suggestions for me - all information gratefully accepted.
Nice to meet and read you @DylanZ!
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