How to live with the shame of not having had a life?

[The Albatross]

How to stop it is to go back to the basics and where you had the last best sense of competency. Don't keep pedaling when you're feeling so stressed. Park the bicycle or get of and walk it ... you need to slow things down for a while and being very focused (and present) on one thing at a time (instead of all the brain chatter) might help?

Narrow your scope... it's too wide for you to manage now.

 

[mumstheword]

Is there a way you can just extend some comfort and "mothering" to your wounded parts? I know for me, that giving my damaged parts some "motherlove" helps me. I sometimes just hug and stroke myself to self-soothe. Also crying and allowing myself that grief and doing art are helping me.

I'm also wondering if you've tried the TRE and if that might allow some of your trauma-in-body to dissipate. I did it for over a year and the relief was tangible in a way that talking never gave.

I'm really feeling for you in this pain place and sending you love and empathy. You are a good and beautiful person and deserve much love, relief and comfort and acknowledgement.

I hope you can extend that to yourself because I'm here sending what I can but you need to let the love in and release what you can. (((((Hugs)))) if you can comfortable receive .

 

[tsukino]

I have to stop trying to be "special" because you know it is just an avoidance of who and what I am.

This sentence is very inspiring to me. I need to accept what and who I am.

Thanks.

 

[ms spock]

This is overwhelming at the moment. But I am not totally frozen, so incremental progress.

I am keeping away from unsafe people.

Any one that can be invalidating or has played games with me in the past. I am keeping well away from. I don't have the resilience to be invalidated at this time. I need to protect myself.

 

[ms spock]

Struggling, struggling a lot, but I am not eating at this time so improvement.

Gillian Welch - The Way It Goes

Gillian Welch - Hard Times

My shame is immense. I am freezing a lot, but I am still going. I am also really tired.

 

[mumstheword]

Struggling, struggling a lot, but I am not eating at this time so improvement.

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Yay! :-)

 

[ms spock]

This is really hard. The shame is really big at the moment. I am avoiding people so they don't know how little progress that I have made this year. I am avoiding people because I don't want to talk about my "work". This is hard going, but when I started this thread it was totally overwhelming, and I never thought I could deal with it. So now I have some ideas, and some strategies, and now I am making incremental improvements.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Disco Dancing Queen.. I think just getting through each day is a major achievement to many of us.
I volunteer at places that's interest me.. Have you ever thought about doing something like that?...
They aren't so bothered about your past work experience.... Just a thought.... You have probably already tried volunteering... Take care

 

[ms spock]

@Xena in Australia (for some organisations ) applying for a volunteer postition is like applying for a job. I have done thousands of hours of volunteering.

I am volunteering for a couple of organisations at the moment. I have done heaps of volunteering.

Thanks @Xena, for your suggestion, it is a solid suggestion. It is a great strategy. My thing is that I am in avoidance about the next step to moving on in my life. My anxiety is really high, and when I am grounded my body feels like it has just been assaulted. I feel worthless, that I don't deserve anything. I am struggling with helplessness and hopelessness, and my hypervigiliance is really high.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Disco Dancing Queen.. I'm sorry your going through a tough time.... And I thought you would have done some kind of volunteering.
I guess it's gona be a rough time for a bit... Which sucks and its not fair but you will get through it.....
I've been avoiding my life since my own anniversary but bow I'm gonna put my big girl panties on... And try again.... You will be OK... Take care

 

[Deleted member 44394]

I feel your pain. Same thing here, I'm not as old as you but same thing, basically. I'm extremely bitter about my life and not having a life. The way I see it - it was because I lived in other cultures and countries and got used to and exposed to that. So when I came back here, I never adjusted to this place, and always felt like it was missing something (and it is...like an actual real culture) ...and couldn't get over it.

I spent my life being miserable waiting, hating and thinking about how to make it good and better again; things I did not like about this place. Wanting more generally out of life, and all that. I always felt like I had an entitled sort of attitude (I know that's bad...) but that's just what it was, I'd lived so many places and was worldly and achieved lots, my dad also taught me to have high standards etc. So I turned my nose up at everything here, waiting for something better. I got nothing......and now I'm more miserable at having a life of regret and bitterness than anything.
Yeah it sucks, the only thing we can change is ourselves - I suggest you do that, or at least try to.
Good luck, for me too

 

[ms spock]

I have been trying for a long time, over 30 years @Erics.