How to Self Care When It Upsets My Sufferer?

[Libby]

Good morning! I'm so thankful I've stumbled across this website. I have realized that I have not been conducting myself properly at all with my sufferer, and already find comfort in the words shared here.

Brief summary, which will be brief because my sufferer and I have spent only a brief time together. ‘A’ and I met at the end of June at my job. I was his server, I vividly remember the moment I walked up to greet he and his friend and he flashed me his gorgeous smile. Instant connection. We went on an amazing first date and so many good moments following. The only exception being a hiking trip that I got us lost on, bringing out my own illness full force: Bipolar 1. He handled my episode that day FLAWLESSLY. It gave me so much joy that it seemed he would love me for me, period. Upon sharing my illness, he shared his own: PTSD stemming from an abusive stepfather and time as a Marine. I still know very little about his trauma, and have not/do not plan to pry whatsoever.

Rewind a bit: Before I met ‘A’, I had ended an awful relationship. There was only about two weeks between the time I left my ex to when I met ‘A’. I was just starting to feel ok again and meeting ‘A’ was confusing (because I had decided to focus on me and vowed to not pursue anything romantic), but exciting. I could not let this one pass me by. Although I enjoyed him, our time, and our connection, I had been going thru my usual bipolar coping mechanisms, one of them being that I was quite hypersexual (ok so I say that, but honestly have a lot of educating to do on my OWN illness, so I apologize if that is somehow offensive to sufferers of bipolar). Down the road, ‘A’ realized that I had texted a fling seeking sex about two weeks after meeting ‘A’ and was DEVASTATED. After texting the fling there was texts found by ‘A’ from other individuals that quite frankly were harmless and not sexually involved, but the switch had already been flipped, he was instantly aggressive even when an incoming text was heard. I had told him that I felt a sense of loyalty to him early on and he asked me to be honest about if I was seeing anyone else, and I said no. Mostly because these people meant nothing to me and I also did NOT want to lose him.

I do not cheat. I would not even dream of involving myself with another man right now. Or ever, as long as I am with ‘A’. I adore this man, he was so good to me. He is still good to me, but mostly mean. Like terribly hurtful. I am a decently attractive young woman, but in this present moment, my eyebrow hairs have been almost completely ripped out due to nerves, I’m as thin as a rail, my hair is like 4 different colors due to lack of maintenance, I live in sweatpants/his tshirts and I haven’t worn makeup in probably a month. Worst of it all is the scratch marks down my face and across my chest and stomach that I put there. All of these things are the way they are because my sufferer constantly and SO. ANGRILY questions why I’m doing what I’m doing even if I go to pick up my hairbrush. I feel like I am not allowed to be beautiful anymore, or do routine cosmetic maintenance. He is so like…protective in a way. Like when I do have the courage to put makeup on and brush off what he has to say about it before we go in public, he is on high alert when we are out and about, paying more attention to who could be looking at me rather than engaging in the activity we are doing.

Please sufferers, help me find the words to say to my boyfriend to help him understand that I AM ALL FOR HIM I love him so much.

 

[TTC18]

protective

Or obsessive? This sounds like a pretty unhealthy dynamic. Do you have a therapist right now, or are you in the care of a doctor?
You can't make your boyfriend understand/believe/etc or act any differently. Can you focus on putting your own oxygen mask on? Try to take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. Being in a relationship where you're not allowed to take care of yourself is not healthy, no matter how charming, wonderful, or basically fabulous the guy is at other times.
Also - PTSD isn't an excuse for abuse. It can cause some funky thought patterns, and destructive behavior and really awful feelings etc but it's still not OK to treat someone the way he's treating you.
Your boyfriend may have NO way to control the way he feels. He may not have the tools to deal with his feelings. (is *HE being treated for his PTSD?) You have to choose whether you're willing to live this way or not.
:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

You have a controlling abusive man....who happens to have ptsd.

At two weeks in I’m guessing you weren’t exclusive, so really he had no right to be mad.

And if you two were exclusive at two weeks in, that’s WAY too fast!

This isn’t PTSD.

Please put yourself first.

Bipolar disorder is no cake walk, and it appears that he’s making your life hell.

Get out now before things get worse.

It’s not unusual for a supporter to come here and want to explain away bad behavior with ptsd. It doesn’t work like that.

I suggest that this time, you stay single for awhile as to avoid falling into another bad relationship.

And why was he snooping in your phone? That’s a huge relationship red flag. It means he didn’t trust you from the beginning (pointing to jealousy issues), and then busted you for doing nothing wrong.

 

[Libby]

@tryingtocope18 @EveHarrington Thank you for your responses. They were...alarming at first. I first felt like I had done something wrong, and if I offended I am deeply sorry...I really am going into this very uneducated. Yes, I love my T, but unfortunately, he said just the other day, "shrinks are glorified listeners".

I kind of realized I left out info that might more so contribute to the way we got here. When he first found texts, I also thought, "wait, we weren't even together!" but he would then bring up the "sense of loyalty" quote from me, I just figured that line stuck to him like glue. I fought him tooth and nail on this for awhile, turning arguing into screaming matches and me not being able to control myself. He says that my screaming and self harm triggers him, which I thought would make sense from what I'm reading on some threads. I also had thought I was realizing that he is distorting the situation in his mind, making it worse in his eyes than it really is.

Your responses are making me question everything....probably in good ways for myself later, but right now it makes me sad and afraid that I will lose him. I am out of town right now at my grandmothers, I decided and left literally hours ago with my parents, and we have been texting nicely all day long. Please tell me if I am wrong or not seeing things in the right way...I truly do need guidance.

 

[TTC18]

:hug: Therapists should not just sit there and listen, in my opinion. They should be helping you with coping skills, finding cognitive distortions, dealing with past and present. Sympathetic listening is important, but there should be more to it than that.
No offense at ALL I'm just worried for you, since it all sounds like it's not healthy. Do you mind if I ask if there's an age difference?
I know it hurts and is scary to lose a relationship you had high hopes for, but your long-term health and happiness are much more important. I'm glad you're with your family.
It's really important to remember that even the most abusive people can be SO NICE and SWEET and LOVING and CHARMING sometimes. But what they do the rest of the time is really important. :hug: and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

 

[Friday]

I had told him that I felt a sense of loyalty to him early on and he asked me to be honest about if I was seeing anyone else, and I said no. Mostly because these people meant nothing to me and I also did NOT want to lose him.

So you lied to him.

I do not cheat.

Except you TREID to cheat right here

A’ realized that I had texted a fling seeking sex about two weeks after meeting ‘A’ and was DEVASTATED

***

Please sufferers, help me find the words to say to my boyfriend to help him understand that I AM ALL FOR HIM I love him so much.

You’ve already proven that a) you lie & b) you cheat, but you want to somehow magically erase that with words???

 

[Libby]

I regret this so much. I'm sorry I even intruded on your website. I'm just sorry. @Friday

 

[TTC18]

Except you TRIED to cheat right here

Well, I don't know - were they in a committed relationship 2 weeks after meeting? If they were, this counts as trying to cheat, agreed - but if not, then no, I don't think it's cheating.
Note: I've been cheated on a MILLION times. When I'm cheated on, I don't start abusing my partner. I break up with them if I am not willing to try to fix the relationship, go to counseling with them if I AM willing to try to fix the relationship.

 

[TTC18]

Ah, man. :( I know you're a moderator @Friday and I don't know if this means I'll get kicked off the site or whatever, but... This was pretty unkind, in my opinion. :(

 

[Friday]

Well, I don't know - were they in a committed relationship 2 weeks after meeting?

If someone asks you if you’re only seeing them, and they reply that they’re loyal to you, yes. That’s a committed relationship. After a day or a year. It’s your word on it. Whenever it happens. If you’re actually seeing other people? You’re lying. To then seek sex from someone else is breaking your word.

When I'm cheated on, I don't start abusing my partner.

I didn’t speak to that, at all. Nor the self harm. Nor several other issues brought up in her post. I simply answered her question about what words to use to make him trust her, after lying to him and at least attempting to cheat on him.

This was pretty unkind, in my opinion. :(

You’re welcome to your opinion.

My opinion is that blowing sunshine up people’s asses is unkind.

We’re each of us welcome to different points of view.

I don't know if this means I'll get kicked off the site or whatever,

That’s not how this site works. All staff are also members and we post as such. If you’re interested in learning more about how staff operate on site, there’s easily available info in the Help Pages in the footer of every page, or use Contact Us to ask directly.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you for your responses. They were...alarming at first. I first felt like I had done something wrong, and if I offended I am deeply sorry...I really am going into this very uneducated.

You wrote this after getting two responses very supportive of you, and highly critical of him. You took it as a critique of you, when they were critiquing him and being very supportive of you. That leads me wonder about how you are processing this situation. I think you struggle to know what is yours and what is his.

Down the road, ‘A’ realized that I had texted a fling seeking sex about two weeks after meeting ‘A’ and was DEVASTATED

You texted a fling, seeking sex, while dating another man. That is attempting to cheat. I’m also concerned that you are overlooking why you are using this maladaptive coping mechanism of hyper sexuality and attempted cheating two weeks into a brand new relationship. Your mental health was starting to crash two weeks into this relationship. It doesn’t sound like it’s improved, but gotten much worse.

This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you. Plus, he is not interested in it improving. You sound easily ready to abandon therapy at the mere suggestion by a very controlling boyfriend upset you tried to cheat.

Don’t quit therapy. Quit this relationship.

He is miserable and becoming aggressive and controlling very early on. Your mental health is not well. The sooner this relationship ends, the better for both of you. Each of your battles with mental health clash way too much with the other.

Sometimes there can be all the passion in the world and yet the relationship doesn’t work and isn’t healthy for either person.

All of these things are the way they are because my sufferer constantly and SO. ANGRILY questions why I’m doing what I’m doing even if I go to pick up my hairbrush.

Pick up your hairbrush. Dress yourself. Feed yourself. And get the heck out of this relationship.

Please sufferers, help me find the words to say to my boyfriend to help him understand that I AM ALL FOR HIM I love him so much.

There are no words. His trust is broken and you both are unstable. Trying to earn that trust back by submitting the basics of dressing and feeding yourself, and treatment, to his control is only going to make things worse. You’ll enable him to become more and more abusive.

You made a mistake. It happens. It’s time to walk away and work on what led to that mistake and find someone who can walk through these storms with you. It’s unlikely going to be a PTSD sufferer who struggles with trust. That’s ok, there are lots of other people to date. Let this one go.

 

[Mumo]

I must say, when I read your post I said exactly what @Friday said. I said, "so you lied to him?" and about the cheating thing...I was like what the heck!?! I don't really know much about bi-polar, so I can't speak to your actions, but you did admit to lying and to seeking to cheat. But you also admitted to having to educate yourself to your own illness, so that's good. :)
You are on a PTSD site, so I don't see anything wrong with @Friday calling you out on those things, (the lying, the "cheating" [2weeks in] and wanting to erase it all with words.) And you also said you were grateful you found this site and that you realized you made HUGE mistakes regarding your actions and how his brain might receive those actions. I suspect it's because you have read different articles and posts around here and found out that what you did was a big no-no, to put it mildly.
I can only speak to how my brain works and what my brain has learned...but perhaps it speaks about his as well???
Trust...Hope...Reliability...and everything these words entail. On good days I know I can't always trust everyone. I know I shouldn't always hope for things nor should I always put hope in people. I know I can't always rely on people. On bad days I know I can't trust people, there is no hope and I can't rely on anyone. I'm
I feel safe here. @Friday was brutal, but true. He dared to put his hope in you. He dared to trust you and he dared to rely on you. And boom, in two weeks you ripped it away...again. I say again because those things have been taken from him again and again and again, hence his PTSD. @Friday said what you've done cannot be fixed with words...so true. It takes time and patience to build trust, hope and reliability, especially after those things have been broken, yet again. It's tough to date or live with a PTSD sufferer. He may be acting the way he is because he liked you and he's trying???

But really, I agree with @Justmehere ...

I don't think the relationship is healthy for either of you. Like I said, I don't know much about bi-polar, but I'm so sorry you are going through what you are going through. :( I hope you will be able to find someone to help you. Please try. And please try to be kind to yourself. :( I know, seeking help/therapy can be difficult, but please, please try. I'm pulling for you. :)