General How To Talk To Someone About Going To Therapy

[BlueJupiter]

My (ex)bf saw his best friend shot and killed right next to him 35 years ago. He never had any therapy. We're broken up because he's still mentally like a teenager - never grew up. How can I talk to him about therapy?

 

[Leah123]

I'm sorry you have had a painful break up. You might try the assertiveness model of communication:

1. Tell the other person you know how they feel (sad, mad, scared, glad, etc... stick with basics) and why
2. Tell them how you are feeling
3. Ask them for what you want, without any expectation of getting it

So, for example, you might say:

"I know you are hurt and mad that we are not dating. I am so sad that we do not communicate well, and I worry it is because you have not dealt with your grief and feelings about your friend dying, that you are still stuck in that place. Would you please talk to a counselor about it? I really want us to ________."

We can't always get what we want from people, but... we can assert ourselves and know that we were straightforward, caring, and hopeful. You can offer to help find one too, to go to couples counseling, etc. Good luck to you.

 

[BlueJupiter]

Thank you. We talked last night and I, of course, was crying like a baby because it hurts me. He gets very quiet, tries to change the point of everything (if he didn't get laid off from work every October he could commit to more but it's about $$). I made it clear that's not what I was talking about when I say he needs to do some work...

But he did say that he's been dealt some hard knocks and he thinks he's been affected but he doesn't know how exactly. He's not happy really, he admitted. He's stuck.

I said I want us to go to couples counseling (I want to help too). He said he'd think about it. I said I won't accept No as an answer.

There is a lot of love between us. He's never been mean or abusive to me - just inconsiderate and clueless and irresponsible (tough to deal with at our age, both mid-40s). No one in his life has ever offered to help him - his parents, while being very loving and supportive, pretty much avoid all unpleasantness and just baby him. Its time for him to face reality and move beyond being a teenager. He admitted I'm the first person in his life to make him look at himself.

I found this article on couples counseling & PTSD very interesting. Can't link it. Google couples counseling & PTSD.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi! Just a note. If and when he goes to therapy, I believe it should be for him only, at least for a long while. What happened to him as a teen interrupted his maturing process and only HE can get that fixed between him and a therapist. THEN couples therapy could be undertaken with him in a more healed place.

Good luck and God bless your journey!

 

[BlueJupiter]

I'm hoping to get him started... Kind of leading him in and showing him its ok, and soon after I hope he can be on his own. I'm afraid he just won't do it on his own and I think some therapy is better than none.

 

[Abstract]

I actually think it's fine to get someone into therapy by almost any possible means initially. And I think insisting on it is fine too. Longer term he will eventually have to engage if it is to work but I think getting there is a big hurdle to get past and beneficial.

I needed to do things for others initially as I hated myself too much to do anything for myself.

 

[BlueJupiter]

I know who I want us to go see. It's a therapist that I've seen a few times over the past 12 years. I spoke to her today - first time in 6 years and she specializes in PTSD as well as couples counseling. She's a LCSW. I hope to see her next week but then she's gone for 2 weeks. I hope a gap like that immediately won't cause too many problems.

 

[BlueJupiter]

I also remembered today - he's been struck by lightning TWICE. Hard to believe but it's true - his mom told me the stories. He had a good friend/kinda GF commit suicide. He's really been through some stuff that I can't even imagine. And on top of it all, he's VERY close with his dad, and his dad has end stage COPD. He's still getting around but he's on oxygen and can barely breath and I'm afraid he's not gonna be around a whole lot longer. And when that time comes, I'm afraid J is just gonna fall apart.

 

[Pencil]

I know who I want us to go see.

This may not be the person he wants to see. In addition, the connection that you have with this therapist might make him uneasy.

 

[BlueJupiter]

This may not be the person he wants to see.

Thanks. But... since I'm doing all the work here of putting this together, that's who I've picked. If it doesn't work, and I don't see why it wouldn't, then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. All this isn't easy on me either. In fact, it sucks.

 

[BloomInWinter]

A good book on PTSD with a simple note without a lot of details (to minimize triggering) has worked best for me on referrals.

"I love you. I cannot stand to see you suffering so when there is help available. The [name of facility] at [address] has treatment for the severe trauma that has caused you so much suffering. Their number is [number]. If you'd like a ride, please let me know (if you are comfortable with that.)"

For one who was so depressed she had confided to me that she was having trouble not driving her kids and self into a tree, I decided the safety of her children was more important than our friendship. I went to her house, asked to use her cell phone, told her I was calling the local behavioral health counseling agency to make an appointment for her. When she said she wouldn't go, then I told her that the other option was for me to call 9-1-1 and report what she said to me.

She agreed on the first option, and I did. When the receptionist picked up, I said "Hello, this is [me - they know me well], and my friend [name] wants to make an appointment to be evaluated. I'm going to hand her the phone right now."

I handed her the phone, she made an appointment. Then, when I got home, I called the counselor she was going to see, and relayed the info I had, and explained why I really pushed her for an appointment. Counselors can never say anything about a patient. But they can always listen to someone else, though then can never act on the information given, it may help them understand how that person's behavior affected someone in their life (or at least, what my perception was.)

It's always ok to call a loved one's doctor, counselor, therapist to share what we seem to be observing. Unfortunately, good-hearted people don't, and abusers do. But professionals are able to discern intent over time when what they observe matches info given.

She began getting help, but she has never forgiven me. But while I regret that we couldn't salvage a friendship, she and her hubby remain good friends with my hubby.

I know without a doubt that I did the right, painful thing. I checked the next day, and she did go. She kept going. She seems to be doing well now, 2 years later. She did spread a lot of nasty rumors about me, but so what?

My hubby and I know the truth.

I've picked up too many bodies as a paramedic to believe in subtlety when human suffering is involved. Lives are more important to me.

I don't argue why they need to go. That's something I learned being a paramedic. The issue is, they're going to go. They know why, I don't need to tell them.

If I think they need to go, they can either go the easy way, or the not so easy way. I'm proud to say that as a paramedic, I never had to have the police take someone in handcuffs for being mentally ill. Compassion goes a long way. I was always careful to let them know it was concern that was behind my resolve, and that I would stay with them until I was sure they were in GOOD hands.

If all else fails, as a civilian, I have called the police, or the school counselor, or principal to ask for a well-being check. I have given them all my own details, what I've heard, what I've observed, and my fears that they are at risk of harming themselves or others. They can assess then using their own best training and judgment, and a report has been made. They know there might be something to watch out for. So if there is another incident, at least it increases the chances of them acting to help that person.

There is no relationship more important to me than that person's life. I've been most surprised when doing this how many people in that person's circle turn out to be very relieved, and have noticed the same symptoms but taken no action. Though they are the ones who get to keep that friendship, I get to keep my self-respect.

Eventually, some do thank us. But it's not necessary. I hope someone cares enough about me and my kids that if I was hurting my family, they would intervene. Though, I might be furious. :)

Hang in there. Take good self-care. None of this is your fault. I commend you for caring and loving that person enough to try. You are a wonderful person and deserve a happy, healthy life.

 

[BlueJupiter]

Thank you BloominWinter. *tears*