How To Tell Him

[BeingEve]

So I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday to talk about my ptsd. My boyfriend has been urging me to get help for a while now, and I've always made excuses to avoid seeing a doctor, since to me, this is giving in to there being "something wrong". A bad way to look at it I know...

So anyway, appointment has finally been made after a serious emotional breakdown and he's happy that I've done it. But now he's being almost too supportive? He wants to take me to the appointment - which is fine. He wants to come in to speak to the doctor with me - really not okay! There are things that I'll need to tell the doctor that I'm not ready for him to hear, like about my struggle with the idea of having the cancer gene and the abuse from my step brothers. I plan on telling him everything eventually, just not yet when I can't even talk to my own family about my mum or her death without having a complete breakdown.

My question to you guys, how can I tell him that I want to be alone with the doctor without seeming like I'm rejecting his support? I really do appreciate everything that he does for me, but I'm just not ready for him to hear some of this.

 

[Seagreen]

I would be honest with him and say that while you really appreciate his support there are things that you don't wish to reveal just yet. You are entitled to make that decision. Its his job to respect that. Did he say why he wants to accompany you to the doctor?

 

[BeingEve]

I guess.. I'm just so bad with wording things the right way! He says he wants to be there for me, through everything. Which is sweet, but it makes me feel worse for not wanting him there

 

[arfie]

I keep it simple with my husband. "Babe, there are some things we have to work out for ourselves. This is one of them. Please let me."

 

[Seagreen]

If he wants to support you then he will be able to understand and respect your boundaries. Maybe a few suggestions as to how he can support you in other ways would help to feel like he is contributing. It could be something simple like running an errand for you or cooking you a nice meal.

 

[nursenurse]

Arfie's reply is the best. Methinks he just wants to make sure you get there, maybe I would take him up on the offer to drive there, but then I do not know how pushy he would be once you get there, i.e. then insisting on being in on the session, with you being too overwhelmed to say no. After you have worked a few things out, you may even want him in on a session, a sort of explanation/state of the union type thing, so he can understand what you are going through, without many details. I am thinking he just wants to be supportive, but part of being supportive is knowing when to step back so you don't become a crutch.

This is a huge step forward for you, and you obviously know yourself well. You do not need a third party ringing in, and your therapist would likely agree. This is your story to tell your therapist, in your own time together, and it takes its own sweet time to right itself with the therapist's help. Please do not feel an iota of guilt for doing what is best for yourself. In doing what is right and best for you, you can become the best person you can be, and that will overflow into your relationship, in time. If he doesn't understand this, then there might be another problem.

 

[BeingEve]

nursenurse that sounds like a good plan. Like I mentioned before, I know that I will want to tell him eventually, so maybe telling him that he can attend a later session would be something to add in to this. I'm hoping to speak to him later about all of this, thank you arfie and Seagreen too! I'll try to take as much of this advice as I can. Jees I'm so nervous!! :sorry:

 

[nursenurse]

You will be fine. Write out what you want to say, it might make it easier. Don't forget the "I appreciate everything you do for me", and "I love you" as well. But keep it short and to the point. Personally, I would pretty much use Arfie's response word for word with the acknowledgements of how you feel. When he says "I just want to be there for you, just say "Thank you, I know you do, and I really appreciate that" and then repeat Arfie's line. He will get it. Don't fumble for more explanations. Repetition of your first key line will work. Heck, that kind of thing works in non PTSD relationships too, keeps you from sinking your own ship when the truth was really pretty simple in the first place.

 

[BeingEve]

Maybe that's where I've been going wrong - I always try to explain myself and never really get my point across...You've been really helpful, thank you!! :)

 

[jmni]

Well, it would be weird if he actually came in and spoke to the doctor as well. It's clearly private information and physicians can't really share anything. Just tell him that you've decided it's a good idea to see a doctor but that you will go by yourself.