Relationship How was your relationship with your ptsd daddy?

[Never_falter2]

I have been reading a story about a woman in a news paper who had a dad with mental health problems (bipolar in this case, but more depressive than manic) who talked about how she did not have a good relationship with him. Among other things she complained he never did things with her but came home from work and watched TV or slept, he never took them places.

My Vet does sometimes do things with his kids, but sometimes he is just to tired and sometimes he needs time for himself. Do you think our kids will be sad about this growing up?

BTW posting here I am often unsure about my hubbys diagnosis because was he has is a lot different from how other people‘s spouses act and sometimes I am not sure if this is the wrong diagnosis, the wrong board or just me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think every child who has a parent with a mental illness is sad about at least one aspect of how the disorder negatively affected things.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Everybody is different, so not everybody's PTSD symptoms are going to be the same. Even if they have similar symptoms, not everybody is going to react to those symptoms the same way. There are also varying levels of PTSD. Some people may have a mild case and others may have debilitating cases. The VA here uses a scale. I don't know if it's common across the board for all PTSD, but the VA has 0-4 rankings... 0 being absent, 1 being "mild", 2 being "moderate", 3 being "severe" and 4 being "extreme".

 

[Never_falter2]

You know... I do not know how to explain this. If his symptoms where only less severe I would not wonder very much but his symptoms are often the opposite of ptsd. For example anger management issues are a symptom of ptsd... my guy rarely acts angry, he acts meek where anger would be an adequate response. He gets angry but does not show it and to the outside world it seems like endless patience/being a doormat. So his anger is sort of hypermanaged.

Would you mind looking at my other thread on the general boards because I write more about this there...

 

[Neverthesame]

My father is an alcoholic who has worked long hours for as long as I've been alive.

I never had a relationship with him growing up. Don't really have one now.
He's not a bad person. He's never been abusive to my mother or myself. He worked as much as he has to provide for his family.

As far as the alcoholism, he's not a mean drunk. I worry more about his liver than his temper. No idea what caused him to drink.

Does it make me sad I didn't have a father worthy of "Parent of the Year"?
Sure.
Do I think poorly of him and pine away in misery about the father/son days that never were?
No.
He's human. He did his best. I don't resent him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Alright, I gave it a look-see.

As far as the anger issue thing goes, he doesn't HAVE to have anger issues. That's part of the Crit.E part of the diagnosis. It includes

• Irritability or aggression
• Risky or destructive behavior
• Hypervigilance
• Heightened startle reaction
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty sleeping

You need TWO of them to meet Crit E for diagnosis, not all of them. You've often spoke of his hypervigilance, problems sleeping and concentration.

He retreats to his room, but would never walk out on me.

Isolation isn't a symptom, rather it's a coping mechanism to deal with stress. However, I would point out that retreating to his room to be alone is isolating/avoidance behavior too. He doesn't have to take off physically to isolate. When my vet isolates he hunkers down alone like that too. He doesn't get in the car and take off. He just goes to his hidey-hole.

Likewise with relationships. Having issues bonding with people isn't a symptom. It's more about trust issues.

Here is a link to the DSM V section on PTSD. Have you seen this before? It is like a checklist of symptoms required for a PTSD diagnosis. You may find that he checks all the boxes. PTSD and DSM-5 - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76 you have read (and answered and thank you so much for it) a lot of the stuff I shared about my Vet and I wonder if you had this feeling too... like „Nope, that‘s not ptsd. It is something different“. Did you have the feeling?

Actually... I mean it might sound stupid.... but from what I hear from other spouses I know in person... from reading here and especially from reading here plus from watching TV (yep, I know, I know) I wonder if I am the only spouse if a guy diagnosed with combat ptsd who never gets yelled at.

Or do I just have another version of „yelled at“? Sometimes he bosses me around a bit... but I would mit see this as being yelled at.

But then of course I understand that people talk about being yelled at, write about being yelled at more than about the opposite because not being yelled at should be the normal.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Unfortunately my vet has the level 4/extreme PTSD that is disabling. He is physically disabled, but even if he didn't have a scratch on him he'd be disabled by his PTSD. He cannot function. He can't work. He can't grocery shop. He can't manage daily life. The VA pays for him to have a designated caretaker. I don't question his diagnosis.

Now are there times when I wonder if it's a PTSD symptom or something else? Sure. He has tremors at times. Could be PTSD, could be a result of the nerve damage from his spinal injury. Could be a combination of both. He had multiple TBIs, and they can effect mood and cognition... but so does PTSD. I think I blame his TBIs for all of his memory problems when his PTSD is probably showing it's ass in there too.

I just kind of roll everything up in a ball and classify it as "him". He's just like that. So we just deal with the symptoms. When his hand is shaking in public I hold it to "hide" it because that's what he prefers. We make lists because he has what he calls CRS (can't remember shit). He can't be in crowds so we don't go to crowded places.

I just roll with it.

 

[Never_falter2]

I like how you cope with your Vet‘s ptsd :).
Actually my question... I phrased it stupid... it was not if you questioned your vets ptsd but if you ever thought mine was diagnosed incorrectly... cause when I write here, you know, other people write about how their Vet yells at them, walks out on them and stuff... and I came to this boards maybe wanted to write about Vet is unhappy with his facial twitch and was sad about it or maybe wanted to write about a problem with crowds... and then I go without haven written about it, because I think „nope, that‘s not the kind of board for that kind of problem“... often when I hear or read about other spouses struggles I realize „Nope that‘s not my world“ and realize they must be much stronger than me to be able to cope... my vet... he is nervous, yes can be very nervous indeed but it is not as bad as other stuff. I looked at the ptsd list from the dsm-5. Yes, I think that technically it makes sense but from lived experience I just realize it is different in him than in everybody else plus I realize he has „neurological reactions“. Yep, I know other Vets who have them too but I also know those who have not and with him his problems is often more neurological then emotional, for example when he is stressed he will tremble, tremble, tremble and be nervous, but at the same time is in a good mood, cracks jokes, does not yell or act out.
Plus I wonder if it is normal for the sufferer himself to question the diagnosis because typically the guy must know what he has.

 

[Sweetpea76]

A lot of the supporters here tend to be short timers. They come here in crisis mode because they experience rage or lashing out, cheating, or an unexplained break up. They don't tend to stick around very long. Many of these relationships end because of these symptoms or they accept the break up and move on, etc.

PTSD is hell on relationships.

Some people only post when there is trouble.

There aren't many supporters that are in long term stable relationships that post here often. I'm not sure why that is.. probably because people don't look for help when things are stable. That's probably why there aren't many posts on dealing with the everyday mechanics of living with PTSD in the household. I'd love for there to be more of these types of discussions.

 

[Never_falter2]

Do you think my guy has PTSD @Sweetpea76? No, I don‘t want a diagnosis. Don‘t worry. I just wonder if you share my and his „Nope that‘s not ptsd“ feeling.
Like you said ptsd is hell on a relationship. Mine is actually not hell. Is this (my hubby not taking kids places, feeling to tired to play a board game with them) actually bad enough to mention on a ptsd board? I do not mention to my friends because I think that they will think poorly of him cause they just do not understand how tired he can be and how bad his nervousness about a place can be... and might judge him and that would not be fair cause he did not choose to be so tired and nervous.
But then I think 90percent of people kn this boards are angry at threads like this because that would be a non issue for them because they have it worse.

My Vet sometimes feels like he is lesser if a soldier cause other Vet’s have been through much, much worse and he cannot compare himself to the (and that‘s actually true) and he feels like stealing from them and I actually feel like steeling from the spouses who have hubbies that beat them, yell at them, walk out on them... cause I know a father to tired to play a board game is much better than a father who yells, gaslights and constantly walks out in the mother (like I said mine does not do that).

 

[Sweetpea76]

The way you describe some of his behaviors sounds like PTSD symptoms to me.

My vet has never touched a hair on my head in anger. He doesn't gaslight me. He doesn't do drugs or have a drinking problem. He is not promiscuous and hasn't cheated on me in any way shape or form. He doesn't break up with me and come back and forth. He can be difficult as hell, lash out, be aggressive, isolate, vilify/project issues on me, among other stress reactions. Those all describe coping methods, not symptoms. People decide how to cope, they can't help symptoms.

He has his own unique ticks that make up his particular case of PTSD.

Mine doesn't have the hypervigilance about germs and cleanliness that your husband has. I'm sure your husband has a lot of his own quirks that my vet may have no issues at all with. Doesn't make one any less PTSD than the other. Just different.