How Would You Tell Someone You Love?

[ghotiff]

@open eyes answered my question so that's really all I needed. I just needed a way to say I was raped with out saying I was raped.

I'm glad you have found a solution but I am very confused.

I like @open eyes post, but I don't see how this solved your described problem of it being reported. All of those replacement words are effectively synonyms for rape, more comfortable to use certainly.... but the message is the same.

 

[TimeToHeal]

This is take directly from the RAINN website, referring to confidentiality laws in your state. Your therapist cannot report anything you tell her - UNLESS you are under 18, which you have stated you are not. "(Your state)does state that a patient has a privilege to refuse to disclose and to prevent any other person from disclosing confidential communications made for the purposes of diagnosis or treatment of the patient's mental or emotional condition among the patient, the patient's psychotherapist or persons who are participating in the diagnosis or treatment under the direction of the psychotherapist, including members of the patient's family."

So you are free to tell your therapist without fear. Your youth group leader is another story - I've said before that I don't think she is a good/appropriate person for you to be trying to get counsel from. Even if she did report it - if you are 18, the police will more than likely tell her that it is up to you to make a report if you should so choose. In other words, they're not going to come hunt you down and force you to tell them anything. If you're 18, you are an adult in the eyes of the law and it is your choice whether or not you make a report. And if you didn't tell her who you are accusing, there would be nothing for the police to do anyway.

 

[InsideAWord]

Okay... So to answer this question, I need to know your goal. What so you want to get out of the conversation if you admit to her that you were raped. Honestly, it sounds like you just need a friend to listen to you, hear you out, and support you other than someone who holds a position of authority over you. Don't get me wrong -- I understand that you value her as a person of trust in your relationship. However, I think you want her to connect with you on a peer to peer, woman to woman basis yet this cannot occur based on the conversation you supplemented with your post.

If I am right, but I'm not going to assume that I am right, then who would you turn to who would support you?

 

[Healing Reins]

I texted her this:

Hi, I’m just going to write this out because it’s easier for me to write out then to actually say. So after talking to some people about what is going on- not giving full details, but just giving the main idea- something happened that was bad..I want to tell my youth group leader...don’t know how...feel like It’s effecting the relationship...etc. I have come the conclusion that if I tell you, you should let me report it when I’m ready. I think in this situation,talking to, and knowing people that have been in similar situations they all say the same thing. The victim should always make the report when ready. I feel like you would be taking something away from me if you reported and didn’t let me report when I was ready. I honestly don’t feel like you understand...I had something taken away from me 3 weeks ago.

I don’t want another thing taken away from me. I feel like if YOU report you will be taking something away from me. That is why I am asking if I tell you, you let me make the report when I feel like I am ready to report what really happened. I don’t want this to effect our relationship but I feel like it is effecting our relationship. I almost feel like I am in a catch 22. If I don’t tell you, I go insane. If I do tell you, you report- with out my consent, and I go insane. Neither of the choices are good. I trust you. And I want to keep trusting you, but I feel like if you do

But I feel like if you do report this, you would be breaking that trust. I know you don’t see it as that. And I understand why you don’t see it as that, but what happened 3 weeks ago, wasn’t okay, and I need time to process it before I make any choices on what I’m going to do. I feel like you don’t understand that I need to get this off my chest. Yes, I have told Saving grace, but I want to tell you, became I feel like you deserve to know what happened, and you are one of my supports in my support system, and for some reason I trust you...I think.

What I’m trying to say is please let me tell you what happened without holding the “I will report this” over my head. I know you don’t feel like you are, and you probably aren’t I’m just taking it that way...but I really want to tell you. I don’t know why I want to tell you, I just do..so can you let me tell you with out reporting it. If you still feel like you need to report it can we come to an agreement where I tell you and then we talk about what will happen next instead of jumping to conclusions on reporting it? Part of the reason why I don’t want this reported is because in the past year 2 things have been reported. Brandon, Cory, and now potentially this. I feel like I won’t be taken seriously, or they will think it’s my fault. I don’t want to be put in a situation where I’m not taken seriously because I did drink a lot that night, and because of my past abuses.

So can we come to some agreement where we hold off the reporting? If not- then I don’t know what happens. Sorry for the long message. I just really needed to get that off my chest!
When I say “but what happened 3 weeks ago, wasn’t okay, and I need time to process it before I make any choices on what I’m going to do.” I want to add... I want your help on figuring out what to do because I feel like you are really rational a lot of the time, and I think it would be good for me to be around someone more ‘level headed’ when figuring out what to do.

Sorry it was so long!

She replied:
I hear what you are saying. From what you said, it sounds like you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed. That must be very hard, and tiring to. But the people at Saving Grace are more than reasonable and rational. I will take no part in your decision of whether or not you tell me what happened. I don't ask you to tell me, I wouldn't be able to give you professional advice if you told me, I don't feel I do or don't deserve" to know, as you put it, and if you CHOOSE to tell me I will act as my conscience directs me, which might mean reporting it. I prefer not to discuss this more. ... I'm still working unfortunately:/, so I gotta go. If I were you I'd work on deliberately shifting my thoughts away from this issue of telling or not telling me your story and focus instead on...what you are doing for your mom for Mother's Day, or grooming your doggie, or looking up a great new recipe you wanna try, or researching a fun hike for us to test out next weekend:). Night girlie!

Ughhhhh I feel like she isn't the right person anymore...

 

[ghotiff]

Ughhhhh I feel like she isn't the right person anymore..

I don't think she is the right person. Sorry, you must be disappointed.

 

[Healing Reins]

It doesn't really matter because I guess she isn't the right person to tell. After getting her reply..in a weird way I'm kind of hurt that she doesn't have more to say on it. It feels like she doesn't care. And I don't know if she cares or not.

@InsideAWord I guess I wanted guidance from her. She always knows what to say, and I guess I wanted to hear what she had to say about this, but I guess that won't happen now!

@TimeToHeal I think just writing about it for awhile would be best, I think I should process it some more before I tell anyone. I mean I already went to my local rape crisis center and they said If I needed to not tell anyone, then thats what I needed to do. They said it was my choice.

 

[ghotiff]

After getting her reply..in a weird way I'm kind of hurt that she doesn't have more to say on it. It feels like she doesn't care

I have had people do this to me my whole life. It does hurt, and it certainly feels like they don't care.

Please know it has nothing to do with you.

 

[open eyes]

@Healing Reins Glad I could help. I really don't think you should tell your youth group leader, because it doesn't seem like she respects you- she just wants to do what's right for her. & also even if she does report it is still up to you to press charges if you are over 18 I believe, but don't quote me on that.

 

[StarChild]

@Healing Reins, after reading many posts that your youth leader is not the right person to tell, I started to wonder, what's this all about. Because in your other thread you stated more than once, that the main reason, you don't want to report what happened is, because you don't want to get into trouble for underage drinking:

If I report it, I don't want to get in trouble for drinking.

I don't want anyone to get in trouble..

BUT you stated also, and that's very important I think:

I guess secretly I want her to report it, but I don't want to admit that.. I also want to know what happened.

So I have two questions for you:

• What exactly are / were your expectations from your youth leader? Could you try to verbalize this, so that we better understand what you hoped, she would say / do / or give to you.
• What is your purpose with this thread? What exactly are you looking for to get from us?

My questions are not about whether to report it or not. - I ask this to better understand what it is, that you're looking for from her and from us. Could you help us to better understand your needs?

 

[Healing Reins]

I guess I wanted her to understand, and tell me that I was still normal or something. I wanted her support. I wanted her to care about me.


What I was looking from you guys was a way to say it was rape without saying i was raped, and I found that, so thank you..I guess I was also looking for a way to tell my youth group leader, but I guess I got that.. so yeah

 

[Echo]

@Healing Reins - I do hope you find someone else you feel you can confide in. It is so hard to deal with this on your own.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @Healing Reins, I'm deeply sorry, that you were put into such a horrible situation, on that evening. Please allow me to assure you, that you're just as precious, beautiful, whole and normal as before. The situation you were forced into, wasn't normal though! And the malicious act of a big, pig a**hole of a man wasn't neither "normal" nor okay in any way!:mad::mad::mad:

And although you have no one to turn to in real live, right now, please know, that you can come here every time you need to, and write about your feelings, thoughts (diary maybe?), or by creating a thread. And people here will help and comfort you in the best possible way. You are not alone, even though you might feel this way. And please, don't feel ashamed or judged. For we don't judge you at all. Why, oh why should we?

Thank you for your openness and that you answered my questions. Now I really understand better, what you wanted / needed. And if you can accept it, I'm sending a gentle bunch of comforting, encouraging hugs your way. Please take care. :hug::hug::hug: