How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[goingonhope]

:frown: I am just getting over tonight a bout with some food poisoning....when I made myself a couple of sandwiches around noon yesterday I couldn't taste so I didn't know the lunchmeat was bad....as I found out late last night as I was barfing my stomach up...it was a week old.

oh' my Wildfire, it gives me the willies thinking about eating bad deli meat. I'm always throwing out at least some of ours bc wks pass so quickly sometimes and boom the meat has gone bad.

Glad to hear that you've gotten over the worst, and hope you're feeling much better from after that. Sorry about the barfing....that kind of sickness always feels so horrible. eeehhhh, yuck !

As for the lump on your back, wishing you well.

As for just about becoming a mother in law, Congratulations !

 

[goingonhope]

Pushed myself despite and during much anxiety today, and accomplished a lot.

Put myself in the position of much vulnerability earlier this evening, and will need to recover a bit from that feeling, plus resulting anxities.

I hear vulnerability is not necessarily a bad thing, but it darn' well generally feels that way to me. I allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable and trusting, in my life, before in my past and I just yet haven't completely recovered from what an awful experience it was. Apparently, then I put myself in proximity to and was acquainted with some of the wrong people then. Boy' was I niaeve then. I've since learned alot, including alot about 'wise discernment'. Hope it's enough.

And, other times it hasn't been so bad, but I just struggle adjusting to allowing myself to be vulnerable, bc I never know when Boom, I'm going to get slammed by someone, in my daily life, and not be prepared to confront and/or cope with it. Naturally this insecurity just adds and adds to my already high anxiety. And, there is a pill, I've found which takes it all away, but I don't and won't use it for that purpose, bc I know better and that would add to my anxiety, also with this particular pill I'm thinking of, you either keep taking it and appear to think straight and function well, or you take it only when absoluted needed and in my case, I then feel like a numbskull. As, afterwards I just can't think clear enough to decide for myself what I'm going to say and what I'm not going to say, it all just spill out without necessary my permission.

I am ramblin. I do hope there's hope. It's been about three days without the medicine I so needed the other night. I imagine we all wish we didn't have PTSD, so this may be silly to say, but I feel like I could just sob for hrs. with each new deeper realization of just what it is I've really got, and now must face, with PTSD & trauma.

I wish I didn't feel the need to say so much.

Hope

 

[Nam]

I do hope there's hope. It's been about three days without the medicine I so needed the other night. I imagine we all wish we didn't have PTSD, so this may be silly to say, but I feel like I could just sob for hrs. with each new deeper realization of just what it is I've really got, and now must face, with PTSD & trauma.

Hope, I remember this feeling. Even though it hurts quite a bit, it's a good sign and cry all you want. It really is overwhelming and the healing process is long and hard. What you get at the end of that is amazing. There is hope. A moment for me when I realized that there was ALOT of hope was when I started to like myself again. That it wasn't so bad being me. It's to the point now, that I wouldn't ever want to be anyone else. PTSD is a part of me but a very small part these days. The things that seems so hard to grasp just a year ago, I take for granted now (I try hard not to!): security, confidence, hope, and the ability to love. I also try not to take for granted all the things that are gone, like anxiety, sleeplessness, anger, and the terrible shaking! Keep trudging through Hope. You'll get there.

 

[mouse]

Today For the first Time I realized tha even though I know that my Dad is dead aiI didnt eally comprehend what that meant to me. I have since July 26, 2006 @ 16:04 just placed the death ofmy dad with the Death of all the people I deal with at work most I dont know But I did know him I Loved him What a horibble person that I am thta it has taken this long

 

[Marlene]

Not horrible, mouse...human. It took me three years for it to finally hit me that my father was dead and wasn't coming back. It was at that point I could finally grieve for him.

 

[GR-ass]

Tired grumpy, scared, frustrated, angry sad panicked angry hating, destructive.

I really don't need to go any deeper into it?

Spent today out with mum and ssis. Absolutely killed my feet (and my nerves).

I hate crowds, hate people staring, looking at me judgin me. I know they see what happened, know they know, fragit, damned paranoia is shitting me off.

Foot is killing. Woke up yesterday morning with a blade i hand and the sole of my foot sliced open. WTF?!? why there. never cut there before. Still, fecking kills something horrid *screams cries rants*

I am sick of this screwing with me. I DON"T WANT TO HURT. JUST WANT TO BE ME AGAIN

i'm lost, lost and falling, drowning and screaming and I don't know who can save me when i don't wanna save myself!

 

[Portabella]

Gr'ass,
Big (((Hugs)))
T.

Having a good day today. Watched my son play at the park for a couple of hours, the weather is nice, approx. 40 degrees. Ed comes home tomorrow night from training. Got a lovely card from Marilyn S., picked up my spirits with a beautiful poem inside. Good day....

 

[GR-ass]

Hugs tight.
Bit better day today, slept 14 hours undisturbed. Was a shock to have crashed after posting that night and waking up to a quiet mind at 1130. Do't feel as frazzled, actually functioning like a person instead of an automaton. Heh, an automaton on speed.

Glad you had a good day Portabella :) makes me feel better to know you did. Have my sweety for the weekend, he makes me feel centered. Makes me feel real, not a ghost. I am glad to have him, to know* tht he cares.

snugs all
cass

 

[goingonhope]

Hope, I remember this feeling. Even though it hurts quite a bit, it's a good sign and cry all you want. It really is overwhelming and the healing process is long and hard. What you get at the end of that is amazing.

Dear Nam,

Thank you so much! :smile: And, thank you for sharing your very hopeful life experinece ! :kiss:

......sincerely, goingonhope

 

[Rob T.]

Just to warn you, this is likely to be a long rant.

A moment ago I was seething with anger and rage. I have to take a moment and catch my breath. Just my own rule-when I start watching the 6os "crazy world of arthur brown-sings Fire" videos, i'm usually pretty angry or unhappy.
I'm so mad and sad. My friend died about 2-3 years ago. 2 friends I knew saw this-and made a pact, unknown to me, that they would let me vent unhappiness to them , and never tell me. I didnt know. I knew ptsd + retelling tragedies of mine is a pissy thing to listen to, so each time i'd ask-let me know when this is too much. they'd lie + say:ok. It kept getting to them, they kept getting unhappy, and letting their unhappiness build up. I kept asking ....tell me when you dont want to hear me being sad, and they kept brushing it off.

They've both begged off now. I cant talk to them for support anymore. i am so livid at them. I am so mad. they dont support me anymore.
i tried to protect them. I knew them for over 10 years...10 years. dammit. what were they thinking of?...........
I hate this. If someone lies to me to cover something, and then keep covering it, you're digging a hole, and then you cant get out of it. What? did I ask to see my friend get threatened with death by an a**hole with a knife? did I ask to live in a college w/ a few amount of buildings where 3 freaking asses attacked a man who lived down the path from me? my friends should have known.....YOU DONT LIE TO ME WHEN MY UNHAPPINESS GRINDS you up.

Mistrust is part of the package, my two friends, if trusting + friendships was easy for me know, i wouldn't be relying on one friend and 1 relative to call to stay social on the phone. how many times did I warn them? what was it? 11 years? 6 yrs? 3 yrs? i'd call each week and tell them they might not want to hear my sadness. for years. they led me on! all I needed was to hear: i'm sorry, Rob- I cant hear this right now. and i would have stopped.

I'm shaking in sadness so much right now. i needed to know, so i wouldnt push them away with sadness. why didnt they tell me? I thought i was making close friendships with them, Freaking actors! I hurt so bad.they were my friends. why did they? they told me I could talk to them when i was sad. i trusted them to tell me when things were wrong.
How much do I trust people now? I cant know i'm hurting you if you hide it. I kept dreaming of seeing them more often. they're a great dissapointment to me. how does the saying go? "when a child asks you for a fish, do you give him a scorpion?" well, I trusted them like a child, and they've really stung me-badly-let me tell you. I was after healthy boundaries-i asked them-tell me when I talk about hurting too much. They just let the problem secretly build until they couldn't take it anymore. This burns. well, i could always try again and watch my trusted friends burn me after a long time. yeah-what fun. You don't mess up people in mourning. you tell them the truth, gently maybe. You dont play games with a friend's emotions- that's a great way to lose a friend. Damn.
ok. I'll take some time to breathe. Thanks for listening. I thought I knew them . and I thought they trusted me enough so they wouldn't play games with me when something is wrong. maybe I'll hang out with rude people who will tell me to buzz off in a snap and not hesitate [sarcasm]. Thanks for listening, folks. This week was just darker than expected in my corner of the land. I appreciate your listening to me at dark times like this one.

Peace and Love,
Hope You sleep tight, pleasant dreams,

Rob

 

[Deleted member 93]

Rob, it really sounds like they are friends as that is what a lot of friends do. They tried to be there for you at the expense of their own emotional well being. They thought they could handle it obviously. They of course said you could come to them and not want to blow you off. Everyone else needs a break from us here and there and normally don't say so until they hit their limit. My husband is the same way and sometimes he needs time to regather. The nice thing about normal friends they bounce back faster than we do. They sound like great friends to try and keep as they worked so hard to be there for you even at the expense of themselves.

Now that you know this you just learned that some boundaries need to be in place and it is up to you not to vent as often to them. Make sure you are sharing good moments with them too. But I don't see where they stung you just they tried as hard as they could to be supportive. We cannot fault others for needed down time.

 

[Rob T.]

Dear Veiled,

Thank you for your response and for your advice.
My post was a chance to vent my unhappiness, and that was most of my motivation for that post. I do appeciate their trying to help me and be supportive, but my post was only a small look into my friendships with them. Things started to go wrong between them and I, as far as I have been told, long ago. I'll call the friend A.. A. had sent me an email saying that she'd rather not talk on the phone to me, and would rather just email me-mentioning trying to save cell phone money and the like, but that was only half of the reasons. I won't go into all of that.
The pc I had then was broken-so I was not able to get her email. I had called her one day when I thought I was in physical danger, and maybe lethal danger. When she heard it was me, she hung up. Friends don't do that. Not in my town. I'm taught that it's bad to treat a friend like that.
I called the other friend I mentioned in the other post [ I'll call her B.] B said that I had purposely ignored A.'s email, so A. was now purposefully ignoring my calls.

So.....I said I had not seen my email account for over a week and that is why I didn't know she wasn't taking calls., So I then emailed my friend A. and said that I did not like being hung up on, and that I did not ignore her response [since I had not read it] and that I apologise for calling her that time + any other calls that might have bothered her and any other thing I did wrong.
A. sent me back a very nasty reply-telling me I don't know how to run my life, That I don't know how to run my friendships, etc. But...in her email was a statement that [she understands that I didn't ignore her email, but other things are wrong between us].

That she sees I didn't ignore her email + other stuff is wrong is story version number one.

Few days later, I talk to friend B, and B says that A feels That I purposely ignored her email. That is story version number two. Later on, B tells me that A was "mistaken" about my calling her that one time and that when she wrote her email response she didn't know I [didn't know not to call her] -well, since her email says she agrees that I called her by mistake-hm.....how does [she know I did something] and [not know I did something] at the same time?

That is story version number 3. About a year later, I am talking to B, and I am purposefully not being confrontational. I say that I do not believe that A. didn't know that I called her by mistake . A.'s email SAYS I called her by mistake. B then tells me a story where B + A decided to talk to me and not tell me when my venting to them made them uncomfortable. Hm. A's being mistaken is not in this latest story.
That is story number four.

So, I now have four different stories about what went wrong between me and Friend A. Which story is true is beyond me to pick out the real story, and probably beyond anyone else's ability to pick the true story as well. My story to them never changed. I always told them the truth about my side in this. From my experience, I would call up these two friends and ask them 1) if I could vent my unhappiness to them and 2) I asked them each call to tell me when they felt bad about hearing my venting my unhappiness.
Each time they agreed. Each time they lied. So....They didn't tell me the truth when I called them and this went on for at least six years.

So, if they we'rent telling me the truth about my talk to them when I was unhappy, what else did they tell me that wasn't true? In my 13 year friendships with them, did they tell me anything that was true? That's the problem about getting a reputation for giving fake stories or fake accounts-It creates a hole in my friendship with her whenever I talk to her. She lied about this part of my life with them, what else are they lying to me about? Are they even friends with me, or do they just feel sorry for me instead?
And if it's not the [talking to me when I'm unhappy] lie, there are others: lying about a husband, lying about going to meet me-and never showing up, lying about therapy, lying about how they feel about families....and on and on.

So, I agree, it would be nice for me to improve things between me and friend A, but I don't know when she's telling the truth, or when she was ever telling the truth in the past. ever. I wouldn't know how to begin repairing this friendship.
I mean no one any ill will, but If she hides one thing from me, and it causes a major fall out between us , how do I trust that friend?- This falling out is not something I am to blame for. I was always truthful and straight forward with friend A, and she told me she was doing the same. Every time. For six years. It is not my fault when she hands me lies about many parts of our friendship, and then her lies don't hold up,and she gets unhappy about her secret plan falling apart. When I'm told something is true, I believe that it is true. That is how I am made. When my friends say that they're telling the truth, I believe them. That's how I handle my trust.

Have A Nice Day,

Rob