How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

[Deleted member 93]

I think last night was just suffering night!

YA, yes, I have had it happen, it is a very normal symptom of mine. It was hard to, no, not hard, I could not convince my husband it was an attack as I stumbled around and my voice slurred he would think I drank too much no matter how much I denied being drunk. It was only after I went sober did he realize as it still happens it really was an attack(s) and my threapist told him it happens during the attacks with a lot of people and they do indeed appear drunk. Doesn't happen with every attack. I bet if you had tried to speak with someone your words would have been garbled up and not made sense to boot! And I know my neighbors think I am nuts. I have walked up and down my long drive a hundred times trying to burn off adreniline dumped in my system as woke in my night gown with my husband hot on my heals back and forth waiting to catch if I would collapse, it has been a while since I have done it and was during a time I kept fighting the attacks instead of letting them just take me.

I have had my guard up for what ever reason, maybe just stressed with kids, I don't know. Every time my dogs bark I lose it, I expect my husband through the door but soon as I hear the handle they come. I have very much needed to be handled with very gentle hands and voices lately. I am dreading them coming to fix my well, they have been here a couple times before but this time I am scared to be around the men even though they have always been very nice. Husband left a check and I plan on telling my son to just tell them do what they need and send him out to pay. I have my CBT today so hope it helps.

Last night when I had the wopper hit over, get this, Sponge Bob Square Pants. That theme song sends me over the edge. I had my first encounter with the "unreality" side during an attack. It was almost an out of body type of feeling, I was there or was I? Is this real? Why am I feeling frozen? It is so hard to explain and scared me so bad it just triggered another. I truly thought I had lost my mind for real that time compared to others. My husband came in during my bath when I found my voice yelling at him. He settled me and said you know your mind is testing you trying to find your weak spot, don't let it. Tell it you are not afraid and sat with me as I was in the tub to let the second wave of attacks take me. I gave in and let it happen and felt better just worn out, he had to actually help me finish my bath I was so weak. I wanted to cry, but I can't. It is rarely something I do.

I was raised not to cry, my husband knows in years he has seen me cry but once and it was over my grand father dying, somehow he made a come back, despite what the docs said. It is like I just can't do it. I cried over the thought of losing him as he practically was my world as a child, fishing, trapping, driving... His way of killing the snakes.


Anthony, you have so much going on with the kids, more on the way, the flu, this site, it is no wonder as you are getting over the flu you were on edge. How could you not be? Your body is geared up with being ill and I would think it would make every one edgy! But you are truly an inspiration that we all look to and hope to get to the same point that we can try to rest and it gets easier and is not a nightmare everyday just to function. We all most certainly have our moments, just some have it daily while others have an occasional "sneak attack". I hope to get to where you have! I hope you continue feeling better!

 

[purdyamos]

I've been desperately trying to pretend to be human, haven't been posting much. I'm on a huge internet forum in my home city, trying to act like a normal person but most of what I post is abnormal stuff people don't want to hear, but it's 'normal' to me. So now I just feel even more like an alien.

To be honest, reading a lot of the posts on here makes me feel alien too, most people have other people in their world, siblings, children, spouses. I've never had another person there in my life and I can't relate to it. I just get sick with anger and jealousy. I just wish I could have people who were just there who knew who I was and I didn't have to explain, and I could get hugs or a 'hello' in the morning or a 'how was your day' in the evening. I've done everything you're supposed to do but none of it has worked.

I've been trying to make friends on the internet but they all have their important people in real life and I am no-one's. I am way done everybody's scale and I would like to feel like I'm important to someone. Every self-help book I read and helpline I ring assumes that I have people already there. It just all makes me feel even more like a freak.

I have worked so hard my whole life at just surviving, I feel like I deserve some reward, but then that feels narcissistic and selfish. I don't know of any other person in mental health services that has no-one at all. Sorry to go on about it but I'm so old now I'm so sick of it. I read some websites about dating but they all made it quite plain that I am past it and nobody will love me in any capacity in the state that I am. I fail all the tests.

I know you will all dispute that but the evidence speaks for itself and I can't bear it. I'm already having nightmares about christmas, which is when I crack up the most. Everybody's got somebody except me and I can't cope with it anymore. I try so hard to be positive but it just goes on and on and I just can't bear it.

 

[Nam]

Hang in there Purdyamos. You are living in the present only from what you've learned in the past. However, you do not know what lies ahead. Have faith that there is someone in this world if not more than one that will love you for who you are and who you will become. In the meantime, before you meet, work on yourself so that you can be sure you can return that love. And that you are receptive to that love. It's a big assignment. Work on it bit by bit.

Today has been okay for me. I'm a bit grumpy, but I've had a busy week, and once again, I'm sick. I'm beginning to think this is more than just an infection.....but it's the weekend, so the doctor's appointment will have to wait till next week.

Today is our anniversary...6 years....and he's still around. That says alot about committment...

 

[wildfirewildone]

Congrats on your Anniversary!!!!! You are both committed!!!! I have noticed with myself when I've been doing alot my body wears down [remember that our bodies have been drastically changed by our Trauma] Often when the mind gets overloaded our bodies are more suseptible to illness...The body was only built to handle so much Trauma...at least in my case that means any STRESS---which can be interpreted by the body as more Trauma...very wearing!!!!! I know it may be hard...but take more time for yourself this weekend...that can be several mini-breaks....For me that means taking 15 min. ...put on some classical music and let my mind "rest" as it floats among the notes...I have found you to be a very kind and concerned person....please treat yourself gently!!!!
PEACE ...wildfirewildone

 

[piglet]

Congrats on the wedding anniversary Nam! :occasion:

Purdyamos - my dog is my best friend. She greets me when I come home and she misses me when I'm gone. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in. There isn't a person on this planet who knows what I have experienced. I'm fairly sure the people on this forum know more about it than anyone else (other than the perpetrator, obviously).

I think a big barrier for us is feeling that we will not be accepted because of what "we've done". This is on top of the huge effects ptsd has on our ability to start and maintain relationships! Clearly, this is something we need to work on and accept that it's not our fault. This takes time and the loneliness between now and then is despairing.

When you are feeling low, post here and you will see that you are not alone. It's no where near as good as having someone physically near you to help and support, but people here genuinely understand and care. There are no obligations to reply to any post, but people do, and it helps.

Take care.

 

[purdyamos]

Hi again everyone. Thanks so much for your words, as usual. I'm feeling better this morning and typically ashamed (yes I know I shouldn't) of the stuff I was venting. I hate it when I'm stewing with self pity and resentment. I can't seem to reason my way out of it - it's all I can see, so it's all there is. Then after, I realise it's no wonder I can't find close friends when I have episodic moods like that.

I had a few days of nightmares and terrible isolation. I was having real difficulty concentrating on reading this forum, actually, my head was swirling too much. We're having a record breaking heatwave in Britain which is also crazy-making - though those in places like Australia would probably laugh at the fuss we're making of it!

I have been working really hard this summer at trying to learn and relearn friendship and relationship skills, going out trying to connect with people and be involved, chat to people on forums and MSN. Even when I feel like I'm being a successful, confident, entertaining person, I still feel people turn away so I've still got no buddies, no-one there. It's like I give off an air of something not quite right that makes people back off. I can tolerate it and manage it for a while, but there's an undertow of memories that gets churned up. I feel as if I'm no further on than when I was the friendless freak in the playground.

So it comes and goes, up and down. It's relentless. I will try and spend more time here among 'normal' people! Too much of the real world does my head in.

Oh, and congratulations NAM! I hope your partnership continues to deepen in strength.

 

[anthony]

Good going Nam, well done.

Purdy and Piglet... here is something for you. Why don't you two both exchange phone numbers privately, give each other a call, and get chatting. You are both in England, both single, both have PTSD, both female, both need good company who understands... what more do you want?

Now, I know you poms whinge about distance across your piss farting small country which you all seem to think is huge, but when a country only takes a few hours to drive from one side to the other, nobody is really being put out, considering Australia takes a good week to drive from top to bottom, or east to west. So, why not get chatting on the phone, hookup a weekend meet sometime, and get to know each other personally for some local support?

I chat with people in Australia all the time, most of which have PTSD, some of which are from this forum. It helps us all... and if your not doing it already, then I would suggest that most people here contact others within their country, and chat on the phone, even organise to meet at some stage, so you put a name to the face. It feels really good to chat with another who understands on the phone, hear their voice, hear emotions, pitch, etc etc... it helps.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Purdyamos,
Don't let that pang of "regret" over your venting bother you.
In a "normal" forum, with "normal" people... some may have been suprised to read that.
But here, you've probally shared the feelings of at least one other person that just hangs around the forum.

And being honest about how you are feeling is the best thing you can do for yourself!
I don't want you to "overthink" each post,
just get your thoughts out of your head...

When I first joined this forum... although I did have my partner...
I had never felt so alone.
Even though he could see what I was going through,
he had absolutly no idea what to do for me.
I was pushing him away, hell, I hadn't talked to my family in over 1 year.

Even now, I don't have any people I could call a friend.
I just can't act "normal" or relax enough in a social setting,
Unless someone else starts a conversation... I will walk past people I know...

After my "accident" my whole group of friends felt like they had to take sides...
unfortunatly I just pushed everyone away...
so they obviously weren't gonna take my side.

Honestly, through the worst of it... my dog was my lifeline.
He was the only one I trusted with my secrets.
Thank goodness I found this forum!!!

Heck, my social skills are so screwed up... I choose to moderate and research "interpersonal skills".


My day? Well, I've got so much crap going on here that I'm just taking it moment by moment.

Got my hair cut yesterday in preparation for my parent's big anniversery party tonight.
I went from hair almost touching my a$$, to just barely below my shoulders.
(mom requested that I do something before the event)
I think it's the second time since my accident that I've been to the hairdressers.

Both times have been because someone brought or asked me to go there. :(
Otherwise I am happy to just forget about taking care of myself.
In my mind... I have much larger issues than the length of my hair... lol
(like the reconstructive sugery coming up...eeeek! Monday! I meet with the surgeon again!)

Sincerly,
YoungAndAngry

p.s. - Nam, that is so awesome!!!

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Just finished reading Anthony's post above mine
(we were posting at the same time, so I didn't see his yet)

I agree about meeting someone with PTSD if possible.
I don't think I've seen any other Canadians on here
(if you're on here, and I'm wrong, so sorry!!!)

But if there was a PTSD support meet close to home
(AKA: 5 hours or less from my city)
I'd be up for it.

BTW... if that's true, England is tiny!!
In a couple hours you might... might make it through 1 province up here, lol.
I think it takes 10 full days of driving (day AND night) to make it across from one end of the country to ther other?

 

[anthony]

I am still out of sorts really... my mind certainly isn't capable to focus too much, hence why posts are short and all over the shop at the moment. This flu is still very much playing with me, and just trying to rest and get past it, hopefully this second time.

 

[annafennutchi]

My day started off great, we were going canoeing and whiile patching the boat, started bickering, I blew up and decided to go haywire.
I was screaming and yelling at my hub like he had called me the worst name in the world. Totally out of control!

Needless to say, no canoe trip. The river is so low we would have been carrying the canoe throuh half of it, but still it would have been fun.

Now my hub is holed up in our room and I feel like a heel for being so crazy and ruining the day.

I am not going to have a pitty party, I am going to do my best to make the rest of today better.

 

[annafennutchi]

Hey, I forgot, my best friend of all time and I have been emailing each other after about 8 years of loosing touch. I have been sharing with her what I have been dealing with lately, as she was the first person I told about my brother. It turns out SHE has PTSD. Along with you guys she has been a big support and is really encouraging me to find a therapist. I just can't believe how I am being blessed with people who understand.
Thanks guys!