BIG REPLY
Young and Angry (YA), Veiled, Anthony, Kerrie-Ann, Boo-Damphir...
First, thank ya'll for your concerns and feedback.
YA, they gave me an injection of something and prescribed me a new med (metformin) to take for stabilizing my blood sugar. I’m supposed to go to an appointment at the VA on Monday for diabetes lifestyle adjustment counseling. Needles don’t bother me… I always drew my own blood.
Veiled, I never thought about it that way (family at home vs. here). You made a lot of sense… thank you for that. By the way, my mom and uncle (once in their forties) both stopped smoking (cold turkey). They were both heavy smokers since they were teenagers, so hopefully that gives you some hope (to stop smoking).
-When I was having panic attacks, I could not breathe (gasping for air) like I was dying. I tried to watch a comedy on TV after, but even that was stressing me out to the max. Every time I went to sleep that night, I woke up sometime later trying to breathe as if like the realization of my own mortality was suffocating me. It wasn’t asthma, because I have that also and I know the difference in symptoms. I think posting my ‘intro’ might have been what triggered this to happen to me… I can’t say for sure though. The last time I had chronic chest pain, I was diagnosed with Pancreatitis. That’s a whole other page full of memoirs right there… my hospitalization for that landed me in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve had high blood pressure (BP) for a while now, and my BP was pretty high yesterday.
I believe you are right about the control factor of diabetes. You know… I am such a shit! I’ll tell you why… I was not born with defects. I am blessed to have been brought into this world as healthy and bright as I once was. I have brought everything on myself thanks to poor judgment and not listening.
-Back in 2002, my great-grandmother passed away in May and my brother and I (we used to be very close) went fishing together when we heard the news. It may sound weird, but we were happy for her as we knew she no longer suffered like she did. We also caught a lot of bream that evening which helped take our minds off it. Growing up in southern Louisiana, I was always around a fishing environment… in fact, like you, my grandfather was the one that introduced me to fishing as he was an avid angler. I am also extremely close to my grandfather (I call him ‘Gramps’ also). He has been more of a father to me than my biological father (don’t know where he’s at) ever was. Due to my grandfather’s poor health, he and I can no longer go fishing together (at a time when now I have the time!). I have wonderful memories of when I was a child and teenager with him though… and made a poor decision (joining the military) because being away all that time cost me quality time I could have spent with my grandfather. Your grandfather must be a wonderful man to have made such a positive impression on you. While I do not understand your loss yet, I do however feel for you and what you must be going through because my grandfather is one of the few people outside my immediate family I am so close to.
-And a lot of people don’t do funerals well, and that’s okay and normal, but don’t let any of those assholes in your life stop you from being present there, if, in the back of your mind, you want to be there. From my own experiences with family funerals, I’ve noticed that the event can bring assholes out of the woodwork, yes, but the reunion of family and friends can end up being nice (no one usually wants to add any more grief to the situation), if only for that short time. I don’t know… I hope I’m not pissing you off here, put’n my .02 cents in. Nowadays, I just have the attitude of, “fu** ‘em, feed’m beans!”
-I had a brand new 1999 Mustang GT at one time. Ford Mustang’s were the only cars I really ever drove. This one had Black paint and five speed transmission. The first day I got that car, my brother and I went and picked up my uncle and we went joy riding on the back roads near Jean Lafitte Park. Several weeks later, my uncle was brutally murdered and his killer still roams free somewhere. The first few days after, it was like I could feel his presence in the car with me at times. Sometimes I think he was in Iraq watching over me (my mom swears that’s the case). Later on, after coming back from Iraq, sports cars were petty to me and even though I previously said I would always keep this car because of the sentimental value it possessed (memories of my uncle), I took pictures and sold it anyway. I was also given my uncles 21’ fish/ski boat, which needed some repair… it ended up being more painful to have than it was worth. And what seemed to make it worse was that I was about to dump big money into a project that would not only piss me off at times (as anyone with mechanical experience can tell you about the frustration that goes with stubborn nuts and bolts), but that I was working on something that was another painful reminder to me (my uncle’s death). So I took pictures of the boat with my digital camera and abandoned it on the side of the road as a donation for someone to have. If anything, someone’s got one hell of a boat motor, and I figure my uncle would be pleased with that decision. When my grandfather passes away, I hope to have something personal of his, like a gun or fishing pole, or even a letter opener. If anything, I’ll still have the fond memories. After my uncles death, I learned that I do not want something that constantly reminds me of a loved-one’s death, requires my undivided attention with grief thrown in, and the time, money, upkeep, etc… for such an item. If I was Jay Leno, and had all that money, then I might consider having someone rebuild the car, truck, boat for me, and then stick it in my warehouse collection where it would collect dust. Personally, for me, driving my grandfather’s truck would only cause me spontaneous grief, and I have enough of that already. If anything, get it for your son and let him fix it up as he will respect a vehicle more that he put effort into, than one that comes easy.
-You got a lucky teenage son, ‘cause I’d give him the minivan. ;~)
-The environmental setting you described sounds like Florida or Louisiana. I live in Northwest Louisiana and have a 2002 model bass boat that just collects dust now. I used to go by myself a lot, but it just didn’t bring me the peace of mind I was looking for. It can be so damn peaceful, that my mind is allowed to wander too much. I got hundreds $$$ invested in fishing tackle alone. I got no friends nearby and my wife and daughters are not much interested in going fishing. I only go now when my wife asks me for fish.
Anthony, I think Veiled described it best. Sometimes I tell my family to just leave me be and not pressurize me more, but they tend to be as stubborn as me. I just want to be left alone. After all this time, I still do not think my wife understands, or wants to accept things. When my mood drops, I become one stubborn and belligerent sob.
Kerrie-Ann, thanks for the reassurance. I feel bad when I think of what my family goes through now because of me. My wife married me for ‘better or worse,’ but my kids didn’t ask for and don’t deserve such an asshole father like me. A lot of times I want to do what is right for my family, and because at times I feel so far gone, I tend to feel like they would be better off… and my behavior doesn’t help it. Today I made a very conscious effort to be nice. We went to a brunch buffet today, where I pigged out.
-I totally understand Anthony’s aversion to helicopter noise. He is not alone there… it’s a disturbing sound to me every time I here one (especially military).
Boo-Damphir, thank you for your advice and concern. Once again I am an ungrateful shit because I can receive care virtually free of charge right now because of my military service characterization. Many of you are burdened and limited by the cost of such care, and if you had the same access as I do, it might possibly make all the difference in the world to you. I am here because I am trying to get some mental relief so that I can possibly provide for my family again down the road. I apologize to everyone for being such a shit. I had an appointment with a counselor last week, but forgot the correct time and therefore missed it. I got another one for this week coming up. Boo-Damphir, thanks for being here.
