I've been desperately trying to pretend to be human, haven't been posting much. I'm on a huge internet forum in my home city, trying to act like a normal person but most of what I post is abnormal stuff people don't want to hear, but it's 'normal' to me. So now I just feel even more like an alien.
To be honest, reading a lot of the posts on here makes me feel alien too, most people have other people in their world, siblings, children, spouses. I've never had another person there in my life and I can't relate to it. I just get sick with anger and jealousy. I just wish I could have people who were just there who knew who I was and I didn't have to explain, and I could get hugs or a 'hello' in the morning or a 'how was your day' in the evening. I've done everything you're supposed to do but none of it has worked.
I've been trying to make friends on the internet but they all have their important people in real life and I am no-one's. I am way done everybody's scale and I would like to feel like I'm important to someone. Every self-help book I read and helpline I ring assumes that I have people already there. It just all makes me feel even more like a freak.
I have worked so hard my whole life at just surviving, I feel like I deserve some reward, but then that feels narcissistic and selfish. I don't know of any other person in mental health services that has no-one at all. Sorry to go on about it but I'm so old now I'm so sick of it. I read some websites about dating but they all made it quite plain that I am past it and nobody will love me in any capacity in the state that I am. I fail all the tests.
I know you will all dispute that but the evidence speaks for itself and I can't bear it. I'm already having nightmares about christmas, which is when I crack up the most. Everybody's got somebody except me and I can't cope with it anymore. I try so hard to be positive but it just goes on and on and I just can't bear it.
