Heh, I've had, in the last couple weeks (my bad for not getting on) lotsa bad days. I don't know how many days I have taken off sick because I couldn't step outside, let alone drag myself to work.
I love my work, I love helping the oldies (I work in the dementia ward) I just hate when I am irrationally panicking and nothing makes me calm down,
I feel like I am letting work down, even though it is better I don't go in. I sat there one day bawling as I rang work. The girl made a tsk sound and I lost it at her. God I feel so bad over taht. I guess the whole of damned admin now knows I have fecked up issues.
Luke is helping, as much as I will let him. *gaarghs*
I have been on the phone with mental health, trying to get some sort o help. Well I got through their initial interview and haven't heard anything for a week. Makes me feel like I am so damned messed up that they don't even want to dael with me.
I don't know whether I want ot laugh cry scream or rant. Keep getting headaches cos I won;t let emotion out. I'm not sleeping during the night (not suprising I finnish w**k at 10 pm) I seem to want to sleep between noon and six pm (not helpful when I start work at 1445)
Flashbacks aer coming back worse then when I was at mums, guess my mind thinks I can deal, I beg to dissagree. My mind is not fecking dealing. Its imploding, it doesn't want to heal. Maybe its me that doesn't want to heal. I guess it isn't that. I just don't want to face the shit that happened.
I know i am strong, that none of the abuse was my fault, but I still have that voice in my head that excells in tormenting me. It repeats all the litany of blame, of self loathing and it drives me mental.
Gaaargh I am so sick of this shite. At least at work I can talk to people. I've let people in. I guess most people would call them friends. I don't know what to call them. I feel like I am having trouble finding common things between me and others.
I don't know if I can have friends, or if that part of me that lets people in, that cares for them and who trusts them is scarred and it will take a hell of a lot of nourishment to let it grow back.
Luke said the most profound thing to me the other night. I was having a moment (crying, panicking etc) and after I appologised to him, told him that he shouldn't love me cos I treated him so bad sometimes.
He held me, rocked me and told me that even if he didn't like parts of me sometimes, he would always love all of me. Gosh I love that man.
Heh,t hat was an update and a half.
Oh to top all this up, I have had my psoriasis decide to blister all through my scalp *growls* that and 35C+ heat means itchy irtritable cass.
