Humans can't be trusted and are not worth interacting with.

[HollowLavender]

How are you a bad person?

A lot of us on here thought/think these things about ourselves. But usually it's because we internalised the blame of the abuse we endured. Yes, out of that we may then have done some messy things. But ultimately, this "I am a bad person" could be a cognitive distortion.

What could also be happening, because of that belief, is that you then seek confirmation of that core belief by pursuing relationships with the same type of person who is horrible to you.

There are good people. Like others have said, we're all here for starters!

I snap at others and get mad and what is common sense to me is apparently expecting perfection from others and I don't understand. When I'm depressed I apologize and acknowledge my inferiorities but then they get mad and when I'm upset I'm condescending or being bitchy.

Im a bad person because I was never meant to be one I'm supposed to be a toy, I'm supposed to shut up sit still and do what they say. I'm useless on my own and now I'm useless with people. Every day I wake up and I hear a voice in my head remind me how everyone of them should have killed me. I don't feel happy anymore it's either soul crushing despair or uncontrollably angry and people don't want those things and I can't put the mask on anymore. I'm a bad person because I'm a inferior one.

 

[Movingforward10]

Im a bad person because I was never meant to be one I'm supposed to be a toy

This ^^ and...

I'm a bad person because I'm a inferior one.

This ^^ are cognitive distortions from the abuse you endured that are feeding in to...

I snap at others and get mad and what is common sense to me is apparently expecting perfection from others and I don't understand. When I'm depressed I apologize and acknowledge my inferiorities but then they get mad and when I'm upset I'm condescending or being bitchy.

This ^^ , with this ^^ helping you to prove the cognitive distortions. When in reality the abuse you endured that made you have those fundamental negative core beliefs about yourself are no wonder drivers to some behaviours.

You are not a bad person.
You are not a toy.
You are not inferior.

You are a survivor of abuse.
You are struggling with the impact of abuse.
You are a worthy person with wonderful behaviours and messy ones, like the rest of us. Those messy ones don't make you bad they make you human.

We have all had/have these views of ourselves too. I get it. And probably what I wrote above might feel too removed from your perception of yourself.
What helped me to start to crack it was to imagine what I went through and my thoughts aboit myself, and putting that story on to a fictional child. When I realised that I could have compassion for this fictional child but not me at all, that helped me to realise the dispairty I was holding myself at. And I didn't deserve that. Same way you don't.
Building compassion for yourself takes work. But you can change all of this.

 

[HollowLavender]

This ^^ and...



This ^^ are cognitive distortions from the abuse you endured that are feeding in to...


This ^^ , with this ^^ helping you to prove the cognitive distortions. When in reality the abuse you endured that made you have those fundamental negative core beliefs about yourself are no wonder drivers to some behaviours.

You are not a bad person.
You are not a toy.
You are not inferior.

You are a survivor of abuse.
You are struggling with the impact of abuse.
You are a worthy person with wonderful behaviours and messy ones, like the rest of us. Those messy ones don't make you bad they make you human.

We have all had/have these views of ourselves too. I get it. And probably what I wrote above might feel too removed from your perception of yourself.
What helped me to start to crack it was to imagine what I went through and my thoughts aboit myself, and putting that story on to a fictional child. When I realised that I could have compassion for this fictional child but not me at all, that helped me to realise the dispairty I was holding myself at. And I didn't deserve that. Same way you don't.
Building compassion for yourself takes work. But you can change all of this.

But compassion leads to stagnation. If you don't hold yourself accountable and strive to be better at your role your failing anyway? If you lax your expectations people including yourself take advantage of it. I don't understand.

 

[ruen]

But compassion leads to stagnation. If you don't hold yourself accountable and strive to be better at your role your failing anyway? If you lax your expectations people including yourself take advantage of it. I don't understand.

You are dealing with a lot of course you're fed up with people.

 

[HollowLavender]

You are dealing with a lot of course you're fed up with people.

I don't understand what to do tho. I can't stand people anymore and I've decided I'm not going to pursue any "meaningful" relationships anymore but I have to learn to interact with them to find a job or something. I'm tired of people making false promises and honey words that lead to nothing but without connections you can't get ahead in this world the people who have connections with higher people move up not the talented or hard working

 

[ruen]

I don't understand what to do tho. I can't stand people anymore and I've decided I'm not going to pursue any "meaningful" relationships anymore but I have to learn to interact with them to find a job or something. I'm tired of people making false promises and honey words that lead to nothing but without connections you can't get ahead in this world the people who have connections with higher people move up not the talented or hard working

It sucks when someone is doing all they can without seeing results. Comparing oneself down from others who have more or up from others who have less is hard to metabolize. Learning to focus on what is controllable in one's life feels bad and even wrong at times.

 

[HollowLavender]

But I don't have anything I can control. My insurance lapped so I can't go to tharpey, my job doesn't respond to my emails or calls after medical leave due to a attempt and my "friend" who let me stay with her doesn't listen to anything I say when I have issues. We live in a one bedroom house with 2 other people then just this week she brings in a 3ed? 5 in a one bedroom? This is what my life has devolved into I'm in Hell and there's no way out that doesn't involve a bridge and a backpack with rocks in it. Everything falls apart and Im so tired of it crumbling the moment I make headway. I'm in so much pain I can't remember what it feels like to be genuinely happy. I smile at work but it fades when I got to my car, the only thing that distracts me from this horrible world is when men use me because I can disassociate and my brain shuts off it's all I am.

It sucks when someone is doing all they can without seeing results. Comparing oneself down from others who have more or up from others who have less is hard to metabolize. Learning to focus on what is controllable in one's life feels bad and even wrong at times.

 

[Movingforward10]

But compassion leads to stagnation.

This is a belief of yours. It's not a fact. In fact, it's not true. Compassion is care.
Compassion is self love.
Learning and growing happen in compassion and care. How can you learn and grow if you just punish yourself all the time?

If you don't hold yourself accountable and strive to be better at your role your failing anyway?

You can hold yourself accountable without being punitive.
It really reads that you are very punishing of yourself. That you feel unworthy?

If you lax your expectations people including yourself take advantage of it.

It working out who those people are, and ditching them, and who the people are who don't do this, and keeping them in your life.
It's really hard to do.
But there are good, healthy relationships to be had.
Because there are good people.

 

[ruen]

But I don't have anything I can control. My insurance lapped so I can't go to tharpey, my job doesn't respond to my emails or calls after medical leave due to a attempt and my "friend" who let me stay with her doesn't listen to anything I say when I have issues. We live in a one bedroom house with 2 other people then just this week she brings in a 3ed? 5 in a one bedroom? This is what my life has devolved into I'm in Hell and there's no way out that doesn't involve a bridge and a backpack with rocks in it. Everything falls apart and Im so tired of it crumbling the moment I make headway. I'm in so much pain I can't remember what it feels like to be genuinely happy. I smile at work but it fades when I got to my car, the only thing that distracts me from this horrible world is when men use me because I can disassociate and my brain shuts off it's all I am.

Going through a lot is unrelenting and vicious. It concludes endless, suffocating survival as the full story. Finding safety and closure fades as what is most annoyingly, frustratingly, bewilderingly needed is time and patience. To just keep going long enough for natural healing to take effect is the revenge of love, yet who wants it?

Every moment causes more suffering or emptiness, liminal spaces to traverse alone while lonely, hungry, angry, tired and writhing lost in agony with nothing but the shadow of memories to follow. Realizations are pure torture, a darkness even pain itself can't survive within; it orients one in chaos but doesn't bring acceptance and awareness. And there is no capering about solving the case of cause, let alone a compassionate, nourishing, nurturing medicine to stop the frantic ache. Our torn lives simply remain, gaping and gasping.

How backhanded it is that abundance of depth and beauty and mystery within a person simply IS, the way an ocean is — both death and destruction, life and nourishment, beauty and ugliness. More than the sum of it's parts but unlike nature does so much convincing otherwise. An ocean is not attempting to fit itself into a pothole to appease another ocean, a lion does not don tufts of a hyena and chase every fly from fear of what it's pride might think. The wolf does not doubt the tone and tenor of it's howl or it's feet and teeth on the hunt. The sun does not apologize for leaving us every night, the moon does not ask for forgiveness to reflect. The stars do not thank us for looking at them. The planets do not love us for our orientation. Nature is, without analysis.

This is a time as always of great and terrible change. Shattered human history and heritage reclaim themselves in savage roar and quiet sunset alike. Humans are not to be trusted or worth being known as pieces of who they are, but can be trusted and worth knowing as all they are from where everything meets across all time. Easier to say, harder to recall when one faces injustice, poverty, abuse and assault. But the ocean waves, the meadows bow, the cosmos is anyway.

 

[ruen]

It sounds like you're going through a lot and just want a break, which is valid, so I'm glad you reached out to share some of the load - is smart and something you can and are controlling, on top of smiling at work, owning a vehicle, sharing space and just keeping your life moving even when it gets heavy. That's very admirable.

 

[pamcoco]

trust and forming "meaningful relationships" but it feels like a waste of time and big risk for small payout.

Well put. I can’t imagine coming to any other conclusion.

 

[GrayOwl]

The blame-shame game played for what are normal human reactions and questions to abnormal, painful and systemic abandonment and abuse is what's bitter and stupid, not you.

Learning to respond through recognition, acceptance, inquiry and nurturing slowly grows the beautiful flowers and fruit of response YOU DESERVE, replacing the weeds and allergies of reaction.

This takes time and patience, love, respect and understanding...things not consistent or compatible with one's harshly trained nature, resulting in such things as bewliderment and frustration.

It feels weird, even wrong at first to practice what we have been punished or rejected for by those who were supposed to be there and care for us; sometimes we just need a bit more help, gentleness or different tools along the way and you're doing it.

I should like to think that one could read and reread your words. Perhaps 22 times or more for starters. Until it starts to sink in. It's positive. It's what we need. So true! We need to learn to make better decisions and then also to learn to trust and forgive ourselves. We are little more than computers (IMO) and grow up with programming that directs us; some of that in negative and harmful directions. Some of us seek alcohol or drugs or gambling or sex or abuse. Or combinations thereof. Or other things..... But, to HollowLavender, perhaps you have self diagnosed with some accuracy. The words of ruen about time and patience, love, respect, and understanding are SO TRUE. The world is not all just black or just white. When dawn comes it changes from black to gray to brighter to daylight. People are not all just honest or dishonest. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. The learning of ones traumatic stress and coping and triggering mechanisms and healing processes is an amazing journey. It can bring about change, albeit painful, but I will attest to my own life; no pain no gain. But sticking with it and learning to "rewrite" my code has been a long and positive journey. Knowing that I have struggled so hard and worked so hard to grow through so much despair and have made gains that let me have a life again is so much worth the effort. Patience...... so elusive. As to your trust and meaningful relationships statement..... yeah, sad to say they too are elusive. But don't give up. Find perhaps little bits and pieces of good things in ways that you can share with someone, one step at a time. Sometimes, just a "small payout" provides some hope or a link to something better...? Dunno. I can't answer that for sure.

I'll offer my opinion 1 more time: I think almost every single thing every human does is for self. That being said, my current partner and I are from a wintery climate. We were at school in a warm climate with no winters that suddenly got ice and 7 inches of snow. Nobody could drive. Cars were in ditches everywhere and people stranded. We grabbed a couple shovels and some warm clothes and spent about 8 hours walking through town shovelling people out and pushing them out of ditches. We accepted nothing for our efforts except thanks. We thought it would be something fun to do. We didn't realize the feeling we would get by doing what we did - an unexpected reward - but the initial motivation was fun, or recognition, or whatever - but - it was all about US. But we WERE getting something from our actions. Good things. Positive. But yes, initially transactional and for us. Our society doesn't recognize or reward that type of action - so nobody does it.
My point: Find the good in yourself. Share it. Look for the good in somebody else. But be careful. Learn not to expect too much. Learn that people can be (are usually) deceptive and selfish. But to say it doesn't exist and never will - is to deny yourself life. Sometimes good things are going on around you. Look for the gray - not the black or white.