hopefulrook
New Here
Hi, new here and I really appreciate how well laid-out and managed this forum seems to be. I'm sorry for this long post in advance. It's a lot and I thank anyone who takes the time to read it.
My husband -- who is currently dealing with PTSD/CPTSD -- and I have been married for nearly 10 years (I've dealt with my own CPTSD for quite a while but got a head-start on learning how to deal with mine while we were still early in our relationship). We've gone through a lot together, but the past year was incredibly stressful and ended up on an even worse note when he received orders to deploy overseas. I knew he was struggling with a past traumatic event plus insurmountable work stress, but I wasn't sure what to do other than be there for him as we worked through this time. For the majority of last year, he struggled with depression and anxiety, and we were kept apart by his job until just before his deployment. It was extremely hard on both of us, but I tried to be there for him and talked with him about therapy and seeing doctors for what we could handle at the time. Sometimes he'd need some space and to just "drive" by himself for a while, which was understandable because I used to do something similar. I didn't pry, but now I feel like I wasn't attentive enough at times or even overstepped in others.
Fast forward to about a month ago. He'd seemed okay, but I noticed he hadn't replied to an "I love you" or wanted to call me or really speak to me much at all. I didn't take it personally. He'd sent me a giant bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day, which was incredibly sweet of him to do from so far away. He just seemed busy and I thought maybe he was feeling overwhelmed as he's never really been the emotional type to begin with. He later admitted to me that he felt like this deployment was destroying him and that he didn't want to come home; he didn't want to actively hurt himself, but he just felt like he didn't want to exist. I also empathize with this heavily and I tried to be encouraging, I tried to remind him of what it was like here at home and talk about how our pets miss him and I miss just lying in bed with him, but after a few minutes he just responded with "I just want to be alone."
Part of this, I know, is how crowded and busy his barracks are. He's always been a loner and doesn't do well in close-quarters where he can't escape to decompress. We're both severe introverts. It didn't really occur to me then what was happening, it hurt my feelings but I just swallowed it and said okay, he's stressed, I'll give him some space. I told him I loved him later and made sure he knew I was there for him if he needed to talk.
Within the next few days, he sent me another text that said I probably noticed he hadn't been happy for quite some time and that he wants to leave (divorce). He said he knows I've tried to help but that there's no helping him, and he just wants to be alone. He said he realized he doesn't miss anything at home and he hates it there for making him feel that way. He told me no, he hasn't found someone else (and I have implicit reason to trust him as he's never cheated nor even been interested in other people in the slightest, plus I have a trusted family member on the same deployment), he doesn't want to take anything from me, and he wants me to have everything "if he comes home" and that he'll start over; he ended the message by thanking me for my love and support and that he's sorry he couldn't return it, and that I could "hate him if I wanted."
I was incredibly distraught. I called him and we spoke for several hours because I was trying to figure out what went wrong; I asked him if he just felt numb, if he was pushing me away because he couldn't take it anymore, and he said yes. He's seeing things on this deployment that are incredibly, immeasurably graphic and awful, all day every day because it's his job to observe and analyze these things. He can't simply walk away from it.
I asked him if he would please seek out help before he decides if he really wants to divorce or not because he really, really didn't sound like himself. He agreed and we've been texting on and off since then, talking about our days and sharing little tidbits here and there. I've made sure to let him know I love him and that I understand (to an extent) what he's dealing with, and that even if this does end in divorce, he's still my best friend. And he is. He's my most cherished friend no matter what. I love him so, so deeply, and I am doing my best not to suffocate him because I know what that overstimulation can feel like; when you're overwhelmed, even the "good" feelings hurt. I make sure he knows there's no pressure to respond to me and I only casually toss out ideas to maybe play a game together or call if he feels up to it.
It's been about a month since then and I don't want to press, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. I've sent him a care package that should get there soon, and it has a journal (for getting things off his chest that he can't talk about with me), a photo of us, his favorite candies + books, and some personal things I thought he'd enjoy more than just "stuff." I know it's too early to ask him how he feels. But it's destroying me inside thinking this really could be the end. I don't know what to "brace" for and I'm in a constant state of panic, I have a mild freakout when someone in uniform comes in my work because I think they're coming to tell me something bad has happened despite how absolutely unrealistic that sounds. Should I be shutting myself down in preparation for a divorce? I'm holding on for dear life and I want so, so badly to tell him every day how much I love him. How smart he is and how handsome he is and how much all his friends here miss him so, so much, because they do. Our friend group always jokes that "it's not the same without him" and ask me about him because he's stopped talking to them, too.
I can't tell anyone about this situation because all his friends are my friends, and I'm scared they'd bombard him with messages and try to "help" me, but it would only do more damage. I can't vent to him. I can't love on him. I have no one to talk to, and all this confusion and hurt and desperation is making me incredibly volatile, but I know from experience that I can't push him or press him about it. I remember asking him to leave me once years ago when I was in the claws of my own suffering and I keep holding out hope that we can weather this together, because surely if I made it through it, he can. And maybe that's wishful thinking. I don't know anymore.
I knew when he left that he wouldn't come back the same, and I've had my grief over that and buried it. I want to focus on the future and look forward to something, anything, but I don't even know if he's coming home or if I'll still have a husband by the end of the year. I'm alone and hurting and so, so full of love that I can't show him for fear of pushing him even further away. Every day is a new spiral and it seems like the smallest things tip me into oblivion, I don't know how many times I can keep picking myself up over and over again. I just want answers I can't have or to relate to someone. We're not quite halfway through this deployment and the other side of it feels like it's centuries away.
If you've made it this far, thanks. I'm trying so hard not to shut myself off from the world. I keep up with my online friends and try to at least socialize a little, but it's hard. I catch myself ghosting almost everyone and my house is a mess, but I'm trying. I have to try for him.
My husband -- who is currently dealing with PTSD/CPTSD -- and I have been married for nearly 10 years (I've dealt with my own CPTSD for quite a while but got a head-start on learning how to deal with mine while we were still early in our relationship). We've gone through a lot together, but the past year was incredibly stressful and ended up on an even worse note when he received orders to deploy overseas. I knew he was struggling with a past traumatic event plus insurmountable work stress, but I wasn't sure what to do other than be there for him as we worked through this time. For the majority of last year, he struggled with depression and anxiety, and we were kept apart by his job until just before his deployment. It was extremely hard on both of us, but I tried to be there for him and talked with him about therapy and seeing doctors for what we could handle at the time. Sometimes he'd need some space and to just "drive" by himself for a while, which was understandable because I used to do something similar. I didn't pry, but now I feel like I wasn't attentive enough at times or even overstepped in others.
Fast forward to about a month ago. He'd seemed okay, but I noticed he hadn't replied to an "I love you" or wanted to call me or really speak to me much at all. I didn't take it personally. He'd sent me a giant bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day, which was incredibly sweet of him to do from so far away. He just seemed busy and I thought maybe he was feeling overwhelmed as he's never really been the emotional type to begin with. He later admitted to me that he felt like this deployment was destroying him and that he didn't want to come home; he didn't want to actively hurt himself, but he just felt like he didn't want to exist. I also empathize with this heavily and I tried to be encouraging, I tried to remind him of what it was like here at home and talk about how our pets miss him and I miss just lying in bed with him, but after a few minutes he just responded with "I just want to be alone."
Part of this, I know, is how crowded and busy his barracks are. He's always been a loner and doesn't do well in close-quarters where he can't escape to decompress. We're both severe introverts. It didn't really occur to me then what was happening, it hurt my feelings but I just swallowed it and said okay, he's stressed, I'll give him some space. I told him I loved him later and made sure he knew I was there for him if he needed to talk.
Within the next few days, he sent me another text that said I probably noticed he hadn't been happy for quite some time and that he wants to leave (divorce). He said he knows I've tried to help but that there's no helping him, and he just wants to be alone. He said he realized he doesn't miss anything at home and he hates it there for making him feel that way. He told me no, he hasn't found someone else (and I have implicit reason to trust him as he's never cheated nor even been interested in other people in the slightest, plus I have a trusted family member on the same deployment), he doesn't want to take anything from me, and he wants me to have everything "if he comes home" and that he'll start over; he ended the message by thanking me for my love and support and that he's sorry he couldn't return it, and that I could "hate him if I wanted."
I was incredibly distraught. I called him and we spoke for several hours because I was trying to figure out what went wrong; I asked him if he just felt numb, if he was pushing me away because he couldn't take it anymore, and he said yes. He's seeing things on this deployment that are incredibly, immeasurably graphic and awful, all day every day because it's his job to observe and analyze these things. He can't simply walk away from it.
I asked him if he would please seek out help before he decides if he really wants to divorce or not because he really, really didn't sound like himself. He agreed and we've been texting on and off since then, talking about our days and sharing little tidbits here and there. I've made sure to let him know I love him and that I understand (to an extent) what he's dealing with, and that even if this does end in divorce, he's still my best friend. And he is. He's my most cherished friend no matter what. I love him so, so deeply, and I am doing my best not to suffocate him because I know what that overstimulation can feel like; when you're overwhelmed, even the "good" feelings hurt. I make sure he knows there's no pressure to respond to me and I only casually toss out ideas to maybe play a game together or call if he feels up to it.
It's been about a month since then and I don't want to press, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. I've sent him a care package that should get there soon, and it has a journal (for getting things off his chest that he can't talk about with me), a photo of us, his favorite candies + books, and some personal things I thought he'd enjoy more than just "stuff." I know it's too early to ask him how he feels. But it's destroying me inside thinking this really could be the end. I don't know what to "brace" for and I'm in a constant state of panic, I have a mild freakout when someone in uniform comes in my work because I think they're coming to tell me something bad has happened despite how absolutely unrealistic that sounds. Should I be shutting myself down in preparation for a divorce? I'm holding on for dear life and I want so, so badly to tell him every day how much I love him. How smart he is and how handsome he is and how much all his friends here miss him so, so much, because they do. Our friend group always jokes that "it's not the same without him" and ask me about him because he's stopped talking to them, too.
I can't tell anyone about this situation because all his friends are my friends, and I'm scared they'd bombard him with messages and try to "help" me, but it would only do more damage. I can't vent to him. I can't love on him. I have no one to talk to, and all this confusion and hurt and desperation is making me incredibly volatile, but I know from experience that I can't push him or press him about it. I remember asking him to leave me once years ago when I was in the claws of my own suffering and I keep holding out hope that we can weather this together, because surely if I made it through it, he can. And maybe that's wishful thinking. I don't know anymore.
I knew when he left that he wouldn't come back the same, and I've had my grief over that and buried it. I want to focus on the future and look forward to something, anything, but I don't even know if he's coming home or if I'll still have a husband by the end of the year. I'm alone and hurting and so, so full of love that I can't show him for fear of pushing him even further away. Every day is a new spiral and it seems like the smallest things tip me into oblivion, I don't know how many times I can keep picking myself up over and over again. I just want answers I can't have or to relate to someone. We're not quite halfway through this deployment and the other side of it feels like it's centuries away.
If you've made it this far, thanks. I'm trying so hard not to shut myself off from the world. I keep up with my online friends and try to at least socialize a little, but it's hard. I catch myself ghosting almost everyone and my house is a mess, but I'm trying. I have to try for him.
