Relationship Husband Lied About Ptsd

[Deleted member 1860]

My guess is that he was in denial. It wasn't so much about lying to you as it was about lying to himself. Denial is a VERY powerful thing. We oftentimes think that if we just ignore all of the crap that we are experiencing, then it will just go away.....well, that is, until we can no longer deny it anymore.

 

[moonbeam]

It sounds to me like he is struggling with the diagnosis of PTSD and may be a bit in denial. He may have said all that stuff about the guy in the movie with PTSD so that he could try and deflect attention away from himself.

I didn't tell my husband I had PTSD before we married or about any of the abuse. It wasn't personal or to harm him. I was in denial about the diagnosis and about how it would affect my husband. I wanted to bury the past and build a new happy life with him. I wasn't lying to him, I was keeping a very private vulnerable part hidden. It did eventually effect us. I'm in treatment and working on my issues.

Luckily for me my husband didn't confront me and demand to know why I had "lied" or complain about not making an informed decision. He understood that I was protecting myself. Because its hard and it sucks, it sucks to feel like I should just be able to get over it, and weak and vulnerable and the whole range of emotion.

The real point is that now you know. You can choose to see it as a deception and not getting to make an informed decision (would his diagnosis have changed things??) Or you can choose to see it as your entirely human husband struggling with a huge emotional problem that's likely causing him a lot of turmoil. And then decide if you want to leave or stay and support him in the relationship with clearly defined boundaries. Those are your options. Because continuing to press him as you are isn't going to anyone.

Additionally there is nothing wrong with asking for counselling for yourself as well to help you cope with the situation should you decide to stay.

 

[chicken sammich]

I have noticed after a PTSD "attack" he does not want to talk about it. I have seen it happen twice and both times he was able to calm down to a functioning level, but it is something that is on my mind. I waited until he was in a calm space, happy, jovial, and gently ask if I can talk about it. It is a delicate issue and deeply private. However, if I am going to be his carer during these spells it is crucial that we can move forward in finding solutions to curb the next one (and there will be a next one) so that he has some ways to help himself get to safety. The first time it happened he was at home. The second time he was away from home, and I was quite unnerved and frightened. I am learning and he is more than trying to do his best for himself, and for us. I hope your husband is approachable at some point for you to be able to talk about his PTSD, and create some good safeguards. It is a slow and steady process.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I am both a childhood abuse sufferer both physical and sexual assault and a Combat Veteran for the UK Military. I was offered counselling for over 20 years before I finally got help after an explosive breakdown. I desperately hid my problems from all those I loved that whole time and destroyed my marriage and broke up a happy family as a result.

I guess he didn't want it to be an issue in some ways like I didn't. I was wrong and regret that bitterly now. He has disclosed this to you and IMHO has not lied in any way what-so-ever. He has simply not disclosed this to you.

For me non-disclosure of my trauma past was out of shame and guilt. It is only now after 2 years of therapy and working through my trauma issues that I can in fact start opening up properly about them. I still feel guilt and shame every day but it is getting easier.

He accepts that he needs help, in fact you both do. PTSD is personal in many ways to the sufferer and the non-disclosure is hurtful yet he has disclosed now.

I feel that you and need to start working together on recovery not just for him, for both of you.

I send my :hug:s if you accept them yet be aware, recovery for you will not be an easy road, there will be many pitfalls and many bad times just like there will be many good times and certainly there will be healing. You both need to be patient with each other. What he went through, saw or had to do as part of his duty will live with him for the rest of his life.

My regards and prayers that you can work together for the better of your marriage

Laurie

 

[Friday]

Another vet, here.

I was diagnosed back in the 90s. Had 5 lousy years... That I didn't even know at the time were PTSD related, just that my life was in chaos... And then I was fine. For over a decade.

I had no idea PTSD was cyclic. I didn't know it would be back. I didn't know that by avoiding all things military I was avoiding triggers. I didn't know the coping mechanisms I was using on a daily basis were keeping my PTSD in check. I didn't know jack shit.

To put some things in context

As a woman... Since most of us have some degree of understanding about rape:
I have combat PTSD, and I've been raped. I will cheerfully talk about all the gory details of being violently sexually assaulted / gang raped before I talk about anything military. It hurts me a helluva lot less. And I'll talk military, before I talk about fighting.

That's something my exHusband never understood. Why I wouldn't share war stories with him. And why I would talk, laugh, be okay with talking with the few of my friends I had left from that era. It's something a lot of people don't understand. War's exciting, right? Or dun dun dun just awful, and they. want. to. know. It skeeves me out. Why don't we have a chat & a good laugh about rape, instead? Why not introduce me to mutual friends as someone who's been raped and pump me for questions on that? People can grok 2 rape victims talking to each other, but they feel left out when two combat gets talk to each other.

I understand you're hurt he didn't tell you. Whether he lied, or not & was like many of us who are clueless about PTSD & thought he was fine, you love this man... And you want to know. Probably everything about him. Are hurt he would keep things from you. Are furious that something has become an issue in your marriage that you knew nothing about.

I would simply ask you to consider if you developed a serious health issue, be it an old rape that suddenly comes back to haunt, or breast cancer... How much him being angry with you over it would help either of you. And how you yourself would want to be treated? Demands to know why he wasn't warned before he married you... Recriminations, being called a liar... Probably don't make the list.

 

[Friday]

Mmmm... To be fair, however... While the clear implication of not being told before marriage, is that had you known you'd never have married him.... if what's driving your anger is thinking there was some way you could have prevented this? Some way to kept him from hurting? It's not your fault. There are a lot of things people can do to help, or to hurt... But there is no way to reach inside someone's brain and make PTSD not happen. Your knowing ahead of time couldn't have prevented this. You couldn't have stopped it from happening. Now that it has, there are a lot of things you can do to support him -if you choose to, I understand this may very well be a deal breaker & you never would have married him had you have known-. But while you can support him, you can't fix him, and your couldn't have stopped it. Unless you're God, or something, in which case we need to have a little chat ;)

 

[The Albatross]

I too am a former vet with PTSD (but not from combat), am female and I'm with Friday Jones. I could not tell my spouse before marriage because I wasn't even diagnosed til fairly recently (several years now).

 

[Sweetpea76]

I am unhappy he did not tell me and think I had a right to have that information.

From a supporter point of view, I tend to be more sympathetic. My sufferer told me fairly early in our relationship that he had PTSD, and I got to make an informed decision as to whether or not I was up to the challenges this may cause. Even so, it is rough going sometimes. I don't know how people do it when their healthy spouse comes back changed from a trauma and develops PTSD, or they start dating somebody who is not symptomatic at that time, only to have symptoms start after marriage and kids. They had a PTSD relationship thrust upon them.

This may sound terrible to somebody who has PTSD... sufferers have no choice whether or not they want to deal with it, they have to live with the hell every day. But keep in mind, supports don't have to live with it, they make a choice to stay. How can you make a good choice if you don't know what is going on?

I wouldn't say he lied, per se. I tend to agree that he omitted things, which is not necessarily lying. I get that it is entirely possible that the OP's husband may have been in denial, not known that he had PTSD, or was not presenting symptoms at the time. I really do. However, if he had a diagnosis or knew he had symptoms prior to marrying, and he chose not to disclose that to his intended, it was pretty freaking unfair.

I would simply ask you to consider if you developed a serious health issue, be it an old rape that suddenly comes back to haunt, or breast cancer... How much him being angry with you over it would help either of you. And how you yourself would want to be treated

That is a fair enough question. However, the situation is not quite the same if he chose to hide things from his wife. This would be more like your spouse already having cancer and not telling you until after you were married. Then after you have to deal with illness and being a caretaker out of the blue, you find out they had cancer before you got married and didn't tell you... it would be enough to piss anybody off. It doesn't mean that they wouldn't continue to love, support and take care of their spouse, but they would have every right to feel some anger and resentment.

Just a little supporter love...

 

[Lied to]

Thank! you! so! much!

I definitely will continue to love and support him but ever since I learned he did not tell me the truth I have been asking myself how I can ever trust him again and I have been feeling a lot of anger.

His condition impairs my quality of live. I did not sleep more than five or six hours per night during the last year.

I want to know what else he left out. He did not only omit he had PTSD, he omitted his deployment and longer after I learned of his PTSD I learned that he had been discharged for medical reasons which means he must have known.

There was a time when I really resented him, then I decided to give us a new chance but I still do feel very hurt.

If I had known about his diagnosis I would still have married him. During our marriage I learned he is a great guy - but I wanted to have a choice.

I have been honest with him, telling him everything he needed to know. He has not been honest with me. I could forgive me if we could only have a talk about his motives and I could be sure that he is not lying to me about other things.

Things being as they are it is difficult for me to move on.

I could be a better supporter if there was more honesty. I did not know a thing about PTSD and did not understand his reaction to things like the band of a door. I thought he was being a jerk for complaining about small things.

 

[NovemberStar]

Having had PTSD or been in the military is a HUGE thing to not tell someone you are going to be married to. Technically it isn't 'lying' but it is lying by OMISSION. I don't blame you for being angry about him not being open and honest - its not like you were in a casual relationship with him; you were serious enough to become married. I do not think there should be any 'secrets' at that stage of a relationship. I think you have every right to be angry about him not being open and honest with you.

However, it is what it is, and I do think its possible for the two of you to move on, and be able to deal with it - even if it take you both going to counseling.

 

[Lied to]

That will be possible! I am looking forward to it and looking forward his PTSD symptoms getting better.

I wish he would tell me he was sorry. Is this selfish? Is it so difficult to talk about PTSD or deployment? A short "I have been deployed but don't want to talk about it" instead of a lie would have been enough.

 

[chicken sammich]

Elton sang those very words... "sorry seems to be the hardest word." WORD!!! You need validation from your anger. A simple yet sincere apology would be monumentous to you! I know this from a recent experience that made me get honestly upset with my man for very valid reasons. He chose to go the projecting route (twisting my words around) to save his pride. I had to get a little MORE descriptive (yes with a few choice curse words) with my stance in making him understand in great detail of HOW he hurt me. And guess what, he heard me. And, he sincerely apologized. I was so moved by that simple yet powerful moment.

What I am learning is a Marine (or any soldier) has a very tough wall built due to the nature of his career. My little sweet girly voice sometimes does not penetrate his ears or his heart as it should...I am teaching him that just because I am not yelling like his commanders, doesn't make my voice any less valuable.

I am glad you are digging deep and working on moving forward with your husband, but resentment is a very tough obstacle to overcome when you live with the perpetrator. I am a proponent of communication. As much as we want to be that loving caring forgiving perfect supporter, it is not fair to put our own feelings on the back burner....because eventually the back burner will be full of our charring emotions and we will just burn up from our own denial. And that is no healthy way to thrive. If you are upset, then tell him. Again. If he can't deal with his error in judgement then at least know where he stands. But don't be afraid to express yourself, because your emotions and feelings are worthy as anyone else's. xo