Relationship Husband Of Ptsd Wife Needs Guidance

[Sweetpea76]

Hello @Kriamjolee.

It's been eye-opening, especially seeing how little self-care I've been allowing myself. I guess I feel selfish, or like my problems just aren't worthy of our time while she is struggling.

You are not alone. You have every right to feel exhausted and burnt out. It's human. Just because you are the healthy one doesn't mean that you can't feel stressed and overwhelmed too. The woman you love is lashing out at you, avoiding you, and saying hurtful things. She may not mean to hurt you, but that stuff hurts. She is sick and you love her. That is stressful too. There is no need to feel guilty about having normal human emotions.

Unfortunately, I have reach my own breaking point. Everything I've been attempting to do to help alleviate her pain and sadness just seems to blow up in my face

There is such a thing as compassion fatigue and compassion burn out. A lot of online resources explain it pertaining to healthcare workers, but it is definitely an issue for supporters and caregivers too. Here is a wiki article giving a broad overview http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion_fatigue.

You have to take care of yourself too, and learn not to feel guilty about it. Who is going to look after you if you don't? You are allowed to have time to yourself and do things you enjoy. You can take your girls out and have a good time. Those are normal, healthy things.

You are not alone. There is a great supporter section here. Just talking to other supporters and being able to vent to people who understand can take a load off. Welcome.

 

[Nicolette]

I recently started talking to a therapist, too. I feel like I'm losing myself, let alone my marriage.

I've felt like that at times; like I'm the crazy one. I've found the forum has drained me after 7 + years but there is hope.... this ride you are on is not for the faint hearted. Whether you make it or not, be kind to yourself and while it may not make sense, it is her pain and illness speaking right now and not her. You are not crazy, in fact you should commend yourself for standing by your wife as many a mere male would not be able to handle what you are going through.

PTSD is hard, it's horrible sometimes but if you can see the person you love still there, well, you've got to try. Just make sure you don't lose yourself as it's not worth the price, but your marriage is worth fighting for if the damage is not too deep.

Take care @Kriamjolee :)

 

[Kriamjolee]

Hello @Kriamjolee.
There is such a thing as compassion fatigue and compassion burn out. A lot of online resources explain it pertaining to healthcare workers, but it is definitely an issue for supporters and caregivers too...

Thank you for you input @Sweetpea76. I've read a few of your other post and find your approach to your sufferer and their symptoms admirable. I hope I can someday come close to that level of understanding.

I have read quite a lot about compassion fatigue. I'm at such a low point though, that I'm hesitant to self-diagnose. It's hard to know what's real and what's me making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm hoping my therapist can help me clear that up.

One resource that has been enlightening (besides this site, of course) has been A Gift From Within. I tried to link to it for anyone that would find it helpful, but I'm not allowed, yet.

...Wow. This forum is good at catching sneaky links...

Anyway, there is a section on that site that has some articles written specifically for partners of sufferers. Good luck finding it; the site can be a bear to navigate, but the content is well worth it.

 

[Kriamjolee]

PTSD is hard, it's horrible sometimes but if you can see the person you love still there, well, you've got to try. Just make sure you don't lose yourself as it's not worth the price, but your marriage is worth fighting for if the damage is not too deep.
Take care @Kriamjolee :)

Thank you for your input @Nicolette.

This, I think, is my biggest struggle currently. I just don't know who she is anymore. She has changed so much over these three years after her break down. And she's not the only one. This process has really made me take a look at who I am, what I want in life, what I consider happiness, etc. It's all so much. I feel that times like this are the worst to make long term relationship decisions, but she seems to be pressing the issue. I know I still care deeply for her. I want her (at least the woman I knew 3 years ago) to be around. But it seems that our marriage has been built on top of a lot of the crap her father instilled in her. His dangerously obsessive jealousy, his unwavering opinions, his illogical mandates... let me stop; that's not fair to her... there's so much more to it than that, but it's those things that are just ripping us apart.

We both have changed so much since we've been together. Hell, we started dating my junior year of high school. How many of us are the same person we were in high school? But, I've always been open to explore whatever new path she thinks will bring her happiness. Unfortunately, that seems to have been at my own expense. I can't help but feel like, "when is it my turn?"

Right now, I think our best thing would be to distance ourselves from one another. I need the space to clear my head and refuel. I feel like it would do her good as well. It's hard to dance that fine line of support and enabling. She's not working. She only has therapy about twice a month. While she's home she is basically hiding all day. She has no routine. She doesn't exercise. She eats horribly. Ugh... I want to help her through this. I really do. I want her to feel better. But at what cost? When is enough enough? I can't let her lack of coping mechanisms sabotage the rest of the family's well-being.

Dang. Sorry for the ranting. There is just so much... I don't know what to do. I've always been good at looking at our situation, analyzing the inputs, and choosing a logical path with the most potential for the highest net positive gain for us on a whole. Now...? I'm a babbling idiot. I find myself freezing at the top of the stairs, not sure if I should even walk down and get a drink for fear of the consequences.

 

[Kriamjolee]

I could use some advice today.

I introduced my wife, Be, to a friend of mine, K, a few months ago. They hit it off really well. I knew they would and thought K would be good for her. They got close, very intimately close. K wasn't my wife's first girlfriend, and I am okay with her exploring her bisexuality, but then my wife's insecurities just ate away at their relationship and wreaked havoc on Be's and my relationship. She became angrily jealous of K just being around. She went through a period of forbidding me to speak to K, then she'd retract and say I should talk to her because she's a good friend and helps me cope, then she'd forbid me to talk to her again because K would make her jealous and insecure.

I've been avoiding all communication with K for the past couple of months to try to alleviate Be's torment. But, things just continued to spiral downward for me and Be. Outside of therapy, I only have one male friend I can constructively talk to about Be. He's know us both for decades and is a great friend, but I feel he might give me more credit than I deserve sometimes.

It was great being able to talk to K. She knows my wife in a way most people don't and her female perspective was enlightening at time.

Yesterday, I reach out to K with basically a "Hey, how have thing been going for you?"

She replied and asked how I was doing. I avoided the question. I can't shake this mandate from Be that I am not allowed to speak to her. And, yet, I hate the fact that I even let my wife mandate who I can and cannot talk to.

This morning I woke up with a headache. I'm torn about speaking to K. I typed a message to her, filling her in on where I am and how I'm feeling, but cannot bring myself to send it.

I greatly appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this. Any input is welcome. I could definitely use some perspective.

Peace.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hopefully it gets better for you eventually, @Kriamjolee .

I am too inexperienced to give any advice but please take my hugs and care, good luck! :hug:s

 

[Sweetpea76]

That sucks @Kriamjolee. You are thoughtful for wanting to respect her boundary. However, she effectively took away one of your means of support, especially considering K was your friend first. That is pretty selfish of your wife really.

There's not much sage advice I can offer, because it does seem like you are really stuck between a rock and hard place. I can make some suggestions, just going by my gut reaction though. Maybe when your wife is in a better place, you need to set your own boundary that she cannot dictate who your friends are, especially if you are supportive of everything SHE does or needs. Double standards are sucky, and just because she has PTSD doesn't give her a license to be selfish in your relationship.

I would also shoot K a text or email telling her you valued your friendship, and would love to talk to her more later when your wife is in a better place. For now, however, she isn't doing too well and is insecure about you talking to her. She knows your wife after all, so she may very well understand the bad spot you're in. You don't have to go into detail or betray your wife's trust. You are just being honest with your friend while respecting your wife's wishes.

Hopefully things improve for you soon. :hug:

 

[Kriamjolee]

Thank you @Sweetpea76 so much for your input.

... she effectively took away one of your means of support, especially considering K was your friend first. That is pretty selfish of your wife really.

It feels to me like she was being selfish too, but when I try to look objectively at our situation, she's selfish about everything right now. She has to be. "Unfortunately, recovery is a selfish process," as T would say.

... She knows your wife after all, so she may very well understand the bad spot you're in. You don't have to go into detail or betray your wife's trust. You are just being honest with your friend while respecting your wife's wishes.

K definitely understands the spot I'm in. I think you're right, though. If I go unloading all that's happened onto K now, especially where Be and I are currently, it would be a huge (less excusable) betrayal of trust then simply contacting her to let her know I'm alive and biding time for Be to get better. I just fear that Be has this deep seeded jealousy embedded into her from her father. I don't know that she'll work through it before it does more damage. She wasn't brought up in a very trusting environment, her dad always expecting her mom to leave for some younger dude, and her mom always looking over her shoulder waiting for the next irrational blow up from him.

Maybe when your wife is in a better place, you need to set your own boundary that she cannot dictate who your friends are, especially if you are supportive of everything SHE does or needs. Double standards are sucky, and just because she has PTSD doesn't give her a license to be selfish in your relationship.

I think I've recently come to the same conclusion. Remember, we've been together since high school. My wife is the only "real" relationship I've been in. I'm realizing that she approached our relationship with the same mindset her father approached his marriage, but luckily with the maternal skillset her mother imparted to her. I just did what was necessary to keep the peace. Which usually felt like happily taking the short end of the stick. Thus, the culmination of a well-meaning, but over-demanding wife who's in too dark a place to even begin concerning herself with my silly problems, like fairness.

Man...

I just wish Be didn't have to go through any of this. I wish there was something I could do or say... We were so freaking good 5-6 years ago. I don't want this to all go away because of her f*cked up father still negatively affecting her and her outlook on life. Even dead, that bastard still wreaks havoc on what could be a good thing. Ouch... Sorry. I need to go chill out.

Thanks for the hopeful wishes. Believe me, I hope things turn around too.

This is probably cliché, but this site is more helpful than I could have imagined. To believe that there are complete strangers out there willing to spare their own precious time and energy, reading and thoughtfully responding to my babbling shines a bright light on the willingness and ability of us as humans to voluntarily and cooperatively exist without coercion. Content aside, just the fact that you responded at all gives me hope, makes me feel compassion, helps ground me, and strengthens me.

Thank you, again.

Peace.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Kriamjolee, this site has saved my sanity many a night. It is nice to be able to vent and have people be empathetic for a change. "Outsiders" don't get it.

 

[deaj09]

@Kriamjolee
I also am in a similar situation and don't know what to do. It's been years of therapy, meds and my husband of 12yrs who is a vet with ptsd acts like he hates me and our boys. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't want to take over with my whole story here, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I haven't even been able to bring myself to post an introduction as I'm in tears reading anything most of the time. I'm so glad I found the forum though.

 

[Kriamjolee]

Thank you for sharing, @deaj09.

As nice as it is to know I'm not alone in this, I'm sorry there are other people experiencing this pain. To have someone you love turn on you so drastically, with so little ability to reason...

My wife and I had a long conversation tonight. She has walled herself in. She feels nothing for me right now. Still says she can't stand looking at me. That she can't forgive me for all I've done to her the past few months. That I have broken every promise I've made to her. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I hate hearing the monster I've become to her.

She's threatening to flex her rights as my wife to get whatever she wants from me, child support, etc. She's turned so vicious. So cold...

It's been a rough night. I just wish I could get some sleep. I have work in 5 hours... You know, work... The shit I do to keep this all running for her... So that she can recover in comfort. So she can live as stress free as possible to get through this. Ugh... Sorry... I'm angry, bitter, confused, and weak right now.

I hope the best for you deaj09. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Blurg... that sucks @Kriamjolee. Can you take your girls and go somewhere fun and "PTSD free" for a sanity break this weekend? Sounds like you need some time to relax a little.