Relationship Confused and Heartbroken: Needing Guidance on Moving Forward

[DavidRocket]

First time here and just looking for a bit of advice.
My girlfriend lives in a neighbor state, so we don't too much of each other, as we both work full time.
We are in our 40's and have been in a relationship for 2 years, neither of us have any children.
She has previously told me about CPTSD relating to abuse/neglect as a child.
She's pretty sensitive, and very independent.
She will often flare up, and shut me out over things which seem very small to me, and sometimes she will shut me out for a few days at a time.
She usually comes round after a while and we get over whatever it was that was upsetting her.
I should add that I love her very much indeed and I understand that life has not been easy for her, and I would just love it to work out with her.
Anyway, the last time she had a flare up was 2 months ago. Again it was over a very minor disagreement, but this time she chose to abruptly end the relationship, not even a discussion.
I gave her space initially, then we talked things over a couple of weeks later, but she was still adamant that she was through because we just didn't get on as she sees it, even though all our past disagreements have been over only very minor issues. I'm very much not the argumentative type, pretty easy going and take things as I find them.
She knows I love her very much, and I left the door open for her. She's been calling me weekly and we chat about everything but our relationship. It's lovely to hear from her when she calls, but it's also making it hard for me to accept that the relationship is over.
I'm just wondering from other people's experiences, whether I just carry on as I'm doing, which is letting her make contact ?
Also, I'm not sure whether she is contacting me because she feels guilty and wants reassurance that I'm ok, or whether she's taken a step back but is trying to work towards a better relationship for us. Altogether I'm confused, and heartbroken of course.

Any advice appreciated

 

[Sweetpea76]

You’ll never be able to grieve and move on if you’re waiting for her to come back… which is what it sounds like you’re actually doing.

I would take a look at what makes you happy (and don’t say her… think about what you need from a partner). It’s been two years of this. Do you want 50 years?

 

[DavidRocket]

You’ll never be able to grieve and move on if you’re waiting for her to come back… which is what it sounds like you’re actually doing.

I would take a look at what makes you happy (and don’t say her… think about what you need from a partner). It’s been two years of this. Do you want 50 years?

My love for this woman goes beyond what you seem to imagine. I'm under no illusion that the relationship is difficult at times, but at other times it's the perfect relationship, we love and respect each other so much, and we are true soulmates. This woman makes me feel alive like no one else ever has, and I accept her. From what I've heard of her past relationships, and from what she tells me, that I'm the only one who loves her for who she really is, beneath the attractive veneer. I know she feels very safe with me, and I think this is what she genuinely needs, but her fierce independence and CPTSD issues force her to pull away when she's triggered.
I'm trying to understand how to love her in the way that works for her. I'm a very compassionate and loyal person and I'm not just going to walk away from her, I'm trying to understand her. If it ends up that we don't have an ongoing romantic relationship, I'll still be there for her always. We've only been a couple for 2 years, but I knew her back in college, and we were very good friends back then, but we lost touch for around 20 years. As I said, loyalty and long term friendship count for something here, and I would never turn my back on her, but ultimately I want her as my partner of course, as her love fulfils me.

 

[OliveJewel]

it's also making it hard for me to accept that the relationship is over.

This is understandable. I think it would be heartbreaking to stay in contact with someone I loved deeply in a romantic way who had broken that off with me.

I'm not sure whether she is contacting me because she feels guilty and wants reassurance that I'm ok, or whether she's taken a step back but is trying to work towards a better relationship for us. Altogether I'm confused

Wondering what’s stopping you from asking her?

It kind of seems to me that you are blurring the boundaries between romantic and platonic relationship. And that you are not talking to her about those boundaries, maybe because you’re scared that she truly does not ever want a romantic relationship with you anymore?

 

[Sweetpea76]

My love for this woman goes beyond what you seem to imagine.

You’d be surprised what I can imagine. I’ve known my sufferer for 30 years and we’ve been together more than a decade. He’s the air in my lungs… and I’ve had to come to terms with the *fact* that at any given time he may become to ill to be in a relationship anymore.

I'm trying to understand how to love her in the way that works for her.

What about in a way that works for you? Being a martyr is all well and good - for a little while. Long term you have to be happy and fulfilled too, or it’s going to make you miserable, lonely, and resentful.

I'm not just going to walk away from her,

If she ended the relationship you are not walking away. You’re respecting her wishes. It doesn’t matter that she is symptomatic, she made her wishes known. You have to ask yourself if you really are OK with being just a friend or if you’re just waiting for her to “come to her senses.” The choice between those two mindsets will determine your own happiness. One way you can grieve, heal, and move on. The other you will pine away and keep the wounds open. I have seen supporters on here hang on for years.

Loving somebody with PTSD is easy. Being in a relationship with somebody with PTSD is an absolute bitch at times. It is not like the fairytales where you can love them better, ride or die, and live happily ever after. The love has to include an acceptance of reality. Our partners are mentally ill. We have to be realistic. Being a martyr to the relationship will make you both miserable in the end. Your happiness matters too. You cannot sacrifice your own happiness and mental well being to love her. That’s not love, it’s codependency.

 

[OliveJewel]

You cannot sacrifice your own happiness and mental well being to love her. That’s not love, it’s codependency.

Very wise words. I want to remember them.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think you are very well spoken @JohnnyRocket and sound very emotionally literate. Idk, seems to me it has become a very hard-hearted day and age. I do know my mom and dad had the best relationship I've seen, but it couldn't follow textbooks, and included what seemed to be ptsd as well as alcoholism, both were overcome in the sense of victory. Other challenges for my grandparents x2 sets as well. Agree you don't want codependency. That being said, sounds like you have or have had good rapport and respect, so it should be possible to talk about and respect what each another wants and needs.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Idk, seems to me it has become a very hard-hearted day and age.

Moving on from a bad situation isn’t hard hearted. Sometimes that is the healthiest and strongest thing to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Absolutely, I agree @Sweetpea76 . That is why I think it's important to know oneself; what one defines as 'bad', red flags, deal breakers, even a poor fit; what one is both able and willing to work on, and in fact what can be worked on (which I find is 1st and foremost myself, my own self including my own idiosynchrasies). But to communicate also.

I guess I have (as everyone does) just my own humble experience. And of course getting older, coming from a generation where you tried to fix broken things before you paid to replace them. Even many losses- I don't usually have a problem biting my tongue or looking at context over the transient or stress-influenced stuff, because Idk how long anyone has, and easy at those times to forget what I'm thankful for. Equally though, I'm sure I'm not always a piece of cake to tolerate or understand or live with I am sure. I've seen people/ many of my family fight through many demons and come out stronger and more in love than ever on the other side, and I've seen relationships requiring less work and having many benefits tank. i think, tbh, it takes brutal honesty and a heck of a lot of carefulness, introspection and caring to tease out expectations and better understand, to enable all of us to make the right decisions for each of ourselves. Because what I might do, is irrelevant, I am not them. Similarly, my dad was not a Vet, nor was my mom passive, yet she was very gentle and fiery. She told me of moments (both of them did) which were not what a textbook would recommend , sometimes they were the opposite -and required being vulnerable, that's for sure I think it came from a place of deep wisdom of a lifetime and true understanding, and because they were moved to say or do it. She did say however she didn't think she could go through it again, and that she had cried herself to sleep many a night, despite not regretting the recovery for lack of a better word, and I said Mom you don't have to. But their's wasn't a new or transient relationship either.

 

[Sideways]

I'm not sure whether she is contacting me because she feels guilty and wants reassurance that I'm ok, or whether she's taken a step back but is trying to work towards a better relationship for us. Altogether I'm confused, and heartbroken of course.

Ask. For your own sanity. So that you can be clear on it, and move towards acceptance.

 

[DavidRocket]

Thank you all for you advice.
I love this woman very dearly, and I understand that she has been severely traumatised in the past through no fault of her own, and that the relationship is difficult at times. I'm a kind and compassionate person and I am willing to accept the way she is, and work with her at our relationship, if she will let me. She's the only woman I have truly loved, and I would always take her back in an instant.
I will take some advice from you, and ask her what her motive is for staying in touch, and whether if we take things very slowly, there is a possibility of us being together in the long term. If not then I will have no option other than to distance myself, which will indeed be for my own sanity.
thanks again

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps @JonnyRocket a possible way of wording it wouldn't be 'motive' (since you are friends also), but to say you aren't clear on how it ended, and asking if she thinks she'd consider a relationship (going slowly, as you said) in he future. And she may very well say no for reasons other than anything to do with you. Because there might be also way too much to deal with. She may also have zero desire to have such a conversation and just feel less pressure you aren't over-reacting and have been forgiving. Also it wasn't really clear to me why she's got upset in the past, but the person it would help to know why is you. That could also be a reason to not want a relationship or one with you. Or just be a really bad time. Most people feel better when they feel understood though, even if there isn't a solution.

Good luck but also strength for what you hear. Just be honest, as that's all you can do.