Relationship Husband Of Ptsd Wife Needs Guidance

[Kriamjolee]

@Sweetpea76, I sure can. I have no f*cking clue what, where, or when, but I've got to find something. I am so wound up.

Thanks for suggesting. Otherwise, I probably would have wallowed this weekend.

... So... How's ^ that for unintentional alliteration?

 

[deaj09]

@Kriamjolee
I'm sorry for your pain as well, it is sad to know that so many people are going through this.

It truly does help to just go out with the kids away for a while and have fun (I don't want to come home most times and I feel so guilty for that)
I also work a lot to keep the house running and doing everything alone is hard so after reading about how important it is to take care of myself I took up boxing a few months ago to take out some of my frustration and I found it helps so I've now included our 11 year old son and it's been great for us!
Thought I'd share that & hope you can have a good weekend :-)

 

[Sweetpea76]

It probably sounds pretty shitty of me, but when my sufferer is being particularly intolerable, I go do something in loud crowded places that I know would run him straight up a wall. That way I know there is NO WAY he'd want to come along. Usually I have to avoid them like the plague, but you know, I love amusement parks, concerts, and midnight bowling.

 

[Kriamjolee]

I just got off the phone with my sister. We're going to hang out Sunday afternoon and do something fun with my girls. She said, "Maybe if it's nice enough out, we'll go on an adventure." She is such a free spirit. My girls love hanging out with their aunt. I can't wait.

So that's the good news...

Be is starting to really worry me. She let me know she's been talking to a guy who, in the recent past, was stalking and harassing us. He became obsessed with her after they started hanging out a few months back. He's a childhood friend of hers. Unfortunately, I think he is a dangerous man. Back then, we saved his texts, and she even posted on Facebook an alert to our neighborhood friends that he was creeping around and to please keep an eye out. Now that she is talking to him again, she has removed that post from her time line... It's like she is trying to just force her life into this perception she has of it, truth be dammed. Just last night, she casually told me that he invited her over to a lasagna dinner. She was apparently going to take our oldest with her, because she followed that up with, "But, I'm not going, so tell J she can go to her friends house." As she was telling me this I sort of blanked. I freaked out. Not externally, but internally I felt like I was going to boil over. I said "Okay." She left, and I just broke down. I was shaking, seeing red. I actually went back and read those saved texts just to make sure I was remembering it all correctly. This f*cking guy... You know what, I...

I don't even know...

That might be scary enough, but I just found out from K that Be has asked around for heroine! She's never done heroine, or anything else like that! I contacted her psychologist about how worried I am about her, and that was before I heard about the heroine.

I haven't even brought any of this up to Be. I hope she is just doing this to get me all worked up. I hope none of this is serious, but I have to assume it is. I'd not be able to live with myself if he did something to her or if she ODs or whatever, and I never said anything to anyone about it.

I started a journal. I've heard it can be therapeutic. Lately, my concept of time has been pretty shoddy, so I'm hoping it can at least help keep me grounded. It'd be nice to know I don't have to keep so much in my head if it's documented elsewhere... I guess. We'll see.

But, with all that said, I honestly feel pretty good today. It's like all this shit just got so obscenely ridiculous that I've finally snapped into the mindset that there's only so much I can do. This shit is going to happen. Period. All I can do is respond with positivity, and integrity. Sounds good in theory...

Peace.

 

[Kriamjolee]

I didn't want my wife to be surprised if her psychologist mentions to her that I contacted him during their next session. So, I gave her a heads-up tonight that I reached out to him. She got a tad peeved. "I'd really like to know what you said to *my* doctor," she said. I didn't tell her any details, just that I'm really concerned about her well-being. That regardless of what happens between us, I still care about her health and happiness.

She didn't seem satisfied with that answer. I don't really care, though. I have to try to do what I can. Right?

Or was this out of place? Did I interfere in her relationship with her T?

 

[Sweetpea76]

She sounds like she is being self destructive as hell, and honestly I'd worry about her too. Especially if she is talking about taking the kids over to the stalker guy's for dinner... that sounds pretty nuts even just typing that in a sentence, much less the thought. I don't blame you for talking to her psychologist. She needs a foot in the rear from somebody, and she won't listen to you.

 

[Kriamjolee]

Thanks @Sweetpea76. I actually breathed a tiny sigh of relief that someone else sees this as being as effed up as I do. I'm still so quick to second guess myself when she snaps. I start to think, "Shit, did I just screw up? Is this another example of me 'not getting it?' Did I just cause a trigger..."

Ugh. Thank you. I hope it does some good.

 

[Sweetpea76]

"Shit, did I just screw up? Is this another example of me 'not getting it?' Did I just cause a trigger..."

You can't cause a trigger... she is the one who is triggered. The only exception is if you are actively and specifically on purpose doing something that you KNOW is a trigger for her. A lot of times things are just stressors, not triggers and she just isn't handling the stress well. This thread helped me understand this better. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/. Then the stress cup thread helped me get what happens when a sufferer deals with stress. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/. They are easy and clear explanations and make a lot of sense. I excuse a lot of behaviors from triggers... but I put my foot down more if it a matter of him handling his stress badly and lashing out or being destructive. You can support and be sympathetic, but still stand up to them if they are in the wrong. That's the hard thing to figure out.

 

[Kriamjolee]

Wow, @Sweetpea76, awesome information. Thank you for that.

Can there be an addendum to the cup diagram, though? Like a fourth cup representing a supporter, with a block about 2/3's the size of the PTSD block labeled, "Supporting a spouse with PTSD?" Because while we are dealing with the same day-to-day stress as everyone else, we're also dealing with our sufferer and their overflowing stress that tends to spill into our own cups.

Great information. I was totally off on my perception of triggering. And while that post certainly cleared a lot up for me, maybe you can help me with a distinction.

I have a mid-length, groomed, brown beard. Be has told me before it upsets her that I don't shave it because it reminds her of her Dad. He was a much larger man than I am, with a big, grey, ungroomed, "biker" beard. She said she can't kiss me, because it makes her think of kissing her Dad. He was not sexually abusive with her, but she has said she felt uncomfortable kissing him as a kid.

Is this an example of a stressor? Is it insensitive of me to keep my beard? I'm certainly not looking for kisses from Be at this point and haven't been for a while, but I would just like to hear any opinions on the matter.

Thanks again for the information.

Peace.

 

[Kriamjolee]

You can support and be sympathetic, but still stand up to them if they are in the wrong. That's the hard thing to figure out.

Ain't that the truth.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Can there be an addendum to the cup diagram, though? Like a fourth cup representing a supporter, with a block about 2/3's the size of the PTSD block labeled, "Supporting a spouse with PTSD?" Because while we are dealing with the same day-to-day stress as everyone else, we're also dealing with our sufferer and their overflowing stress that tends to spill into our own cups.

That a good point... everybody gets a stress cup, and ours has a nice big dollop of supporter stress in it. There are some nights when my cup is filled with wine actually, and I go hide in a bath or something. (I'm joking of course, alcohol isn't the answer etc, etc, but a glass of wine before bed on a bad night suits me just fine).

Is this an example of a stressor? Is it insensitive of me to keep my beard?

The beard thing may be more of a trigger if reminds her of her abuse, her abuser, or the place she was abused. Now if her dad had nothing to do with her trauma, and she is just saying that it reminds her of kissing her dad because she recalls discomfort, then it may be a stressor. She could also just be lashing out because she is stressed in general, and being jerky because she doesn't like your beard on general purpose. Probably the only way to know for sure if you aren't familiar with her trauma is to ask her when she is in a calmer mood if your beard is really upsetting to her. I don't think it's insensitive to keep your beard if it isn't an actual trigger... your beard didn't do anything to anybody. If it reminds her of her abuse though, you may consider shaving it until she gets into a better place.

Don't feel bad... it is impossible to know what all will trigger or stress your sufferer. I threw a box in the recycle bin once, and it was laying like a piece of cardboard was laying over an IED my vet's vehicle hit in Iraq. It wasn't my fault, but I triggered the living daylights out of him. I didn't know what that cardboard looked like, so there was no earthly way for me to know the box I just absently chucked in there looked like it. It's going to happen every once in awhile.

 

[Kriamjolee]

Thanks for the input @Sweetpea76. Always appreciated.

I'm going to get some much needed rest while things feel fairly calm. Enjoy your wine. ;)