Relationship Husband Of Ptsd Wife Needs Guidance

[Friday]

Just a note on the beard thing (LOL and I'm not picking on you, I promise!!!)... Beards aren't triggers or stressors for me at all. No childhood abuse whatsoever. While I'm perfectly fine, or even rev'vd up by certain kinds of facial hair...Yum! ... I can't stand most full beards. Half beards, with the right jawline are super sexy. Soul patches. Stubbly sandpaper scruff a day or two old is super fun. Shrug. Personal preference. Note again, this is personal preference. Nothing wrong with a beard or the men who grow them in and of themselves!

#1 - Biggest reason... When I was a kid all my friends dads & my uncles had full beards. It was the era. When I see one? I'm 5. Or 8. Or whatever. Libido killer. It's like trying to think of Santa or Clifford the Big Red Dog in a sexual way. Just can't. It's an enshrined image from my childhood, and it never made the move to adulthood. Everyone with one is as asexual in my mind as a tree. Or a close family member. Eeeeew. Gross. I tried. I really really tried when my ex grew a beard. Shudder. Not only couldn't kiss him, we switched from daily sex for nearly a decade to maybe a few times a month. That big of a turnoff.

#2 - Hygiene. I have an overly keen sense of smell (a lot of women do), and beards not only hold in smells from things that waft through them (from morning breath to the airfreshener -or worse- in the bathroom... Just like long hair holds cigarette smoke)... But most men don't wash their beards between meals. Food drips. Liquid splatters. Oils run down chins.

#1 is simple asexuality
#2 is disgust

Add those together and it's game over.

#2.5 Is an overly developed sense of fairness, and only enters in if I'm feeling snarky or ill used; namely, If I'm going to shave, wax, pluck and essentially denuded myself daily from eyeballs to toes? I can go ahead and stop, too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Enjoy your outing this weekend!

 

[Friday]

Also, beards aside, what I was originally going to post is that I agree with both you & @Sweetpea76 that you were well within your rights to contact her doctor to let her know you're worried. It would be a breach of trust if her doctor discussed her with you (without her permission), but not the other way around. It's concern, and love, and coming from a good place. I am a bit worried about what seems like all these 3rd parties from the outside up in the middle of your marriage (girlfriends, boyfriends, frienemies, stalkers). Seems like there are some boundary issues you might want to both work on / decisions to be made about friends of the marriage, vs personal friends, vs lovers, and who (if anyone) has the right to dictate the people in the other person's life and to what extent. Those boundaries are different in every marriage, I don't think there's a universal right/wrong... It's what works for the two of you. Just sounds like right now, what may have worked in the past, simply isn't working any longer.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@FridayJones, my vet's facial hair has grown on me, no pun intended. He has that post-military "growing facial hair as a sport" thing going on. I like some styles better than others, like his longish goatee right now. The only thing I can't do is the razor sharp stubble of death. To channel Yoda, shave or shave not... there is no halfway. He has been warned of my retaliatory stubble growing abilities and the resulting "beard" burn.

Rock that beard @Kriamjolee!

 

[Kriamjolee]

Just a note on the beard thing (LOL and I'm not picking on you, I promise!!!)

I'm open to all criticism, comments, questions, etc. I appreciate your input @FridayJones. No offense taken. But please, (in Sam Jackson voice) allow me to retort.

Not only couldn't kiss him, we switched from daily sex for nearly a decade to maybe a few times a month. That big of a turnoff.

I've had *all* kinds of facial hair throughout our relationship. We've been together since high school. I've had sideburns, muttunchops, just a soul patch, tried a fu man chu for a day, a lone mustache, chin strap, you name it. But I mostly resorted to a goatee and would occasionally grow that out to a full beard. She's always told me, "I usually don't like facial hair, but it works on you. When you don't have any, you look 12." So, the majority of our relationship, the beard has not been an issue. We've had plenty of intimacy in the past while I had a beard. Granted, this is the first time I've grown a bead for this long. I've had this for well over a year now. And it's the first time I've gone to a Barber for maintenance. Which segues nicely into your #2...

#2 - Hygiene. I have an overly keen sense of smell (a lot of women do), and beards not only hold in smells from things that waft through them

I'm a super clean dude. My beards, in the past, were always kept pretty short, in length. This is the first time I've grown it long and I'm very conscientious about it. I shampoo and condition it, and use Moroccan Oil, or smoothing elixir, or beard balm after I shower. All of which keep me smelling dapper through the day. You're right. It is a hygiene thing. A stinky beard, in my opinion, is as bad as stinky arm pit hair.

#2.5 Is an overly developed sense of fairness, and only enters in if I'm feeling snarky or ill used; namely, If I'm going to shave, wax, pluck and essentially denuded myself daily from eyeballs to toes? I can go ahead and stop, too.

That's a perfectly valid point. If I asked my wife to shave her legs and she only did it for me, that is, she wouldn't shave them if she were by herself, I would find it unfair. But first, I've honestly told her I don't care at all, what-so-ever, if she shaves, applies makeup, etc. Hygiene is about health and cleanliness. As long as she's clean and healthy, I don't feel it's my right to put any stipulations on her and her personal grooming. Secondly, maybe TMI, but I manscape more than just my face and head. In fact, I have more grooming to do with the beard than without. It's not a matter of quitting my personal upkeep, but rather the opposite. My beard is a matter of pride. It's part of my "look" in a similar sense to how women use makeup and other grooming for a particular look. Some rock cat-eye eyeliner, some apply bold, glittery eye shadow, some tweeze brows into high thin arches, some keep neat, but heavy brows, some apply lipstick well beyond the outline of their lip, etc. This is just the look I feel most, "me" in right now.

This is all probably irrelevant, but I thouroughly enjoy conversing, and I'm just not getting much of that here at home. Thanks for indulging me. I truly appreciate your time and input.

And here's a beard shot... Sans morning breath.



Peace.

 

[Kriamjolee]

I agree with both you & @Sweetpea76 that you were well within your rights to contact her doctor to let her know you're worried. It would be a breach of trust if her doctor discussed her with you (without her permission), but not the other way around. It's concern, and love, and coming from a good place.

Thank you. It really was done with all the best intentions.

I am a bit worried about what seems like all these 3rd parties from the outside up in the middle of your marriage (girlfriends, boyfriends, frienemies, stalkers). Seems like there are some boundary issues you might want to both work on / decisions to be made about friends of the marriage, vs personal friends, vs lovers, and who (if anyone) has the right to dictate the people in the other person's life and to what extent. Those boundaries are different in every marriage, I don't think there's a universal right/wrong... It's what works for the two of you. Just sounds like right now, what may have worked in the past, simply isn't working any longer.

Please keep in mind that as long as my posts are, there are just so many details that can't possibly be covered adequately in this medium. However, you're so right. Unfortunately, those conversations about boundaries and our concepts of marriage have been minefields. Prior to her breakdown a few years ago we were having those conversations. We were slowly exploring all sorts of ideas, configurations, etc. It was uncomfortable at times, but felt so healthy. We were bonding in ways we never did. Breaking down insecurities, building trust, getting to know each other in new ways. To me, it was beautiful. We were in such a good place.

She is in a place right now, though, that communicating about anything, let alone something as intimate and deep as that, just seems impossible. I've tried. Oh, how I've tried. But now, those conversations are beyond approachable. She never been the best at communication, but has always at least been reasonable. Now... I hate to say it, but it's like talking to a typical 13 year old. No compromise, no concern for anyone else, no concept of knowing what you don't know, no attempt at consistent logic. Imagine trying to talk to a tween about the concept of marriage, it's history, the religious implications, the monogamous, hierarchical structure implied by societal pressure, the history of human relationships prior to governmental intervention. She's just completely unwilling, as you can imagine.

I feel like I've continued to grow, evolve, and develop a sense of who I am, what happiness means to me, and what I want out of life - for better or worse - but left her behind in the process.

I want my wife back. I want that woman that loved me, flaws and all. But, I don't want her back at the expense of the person I found in me. I'm not proud of everything that is going on around me right now. I'm not proud of the mistakes I've made and the pain they've caused. But, I'm proud of what I've learned in the process, I'm proud of who I am today, and what I've become.

Physical exercise will cause discomfort. It's how you know you're pushing yourself. The long term, positive health benefits greatly outweigh the slight discomfort of one more pushup. I think philosophical, moral, and spiritual exercise exhibits that same kind of trade off; short term discomfort for longterm benefit.

But what do I know...

Peace.