Sorry Bryan, I am very new at all this. I was trying to send a more personal message and I ended up copying your message. I can't figure it out so I will say it here anyway....
I really relate to your situation. (I am your wife and I have a hubby in your situation.)
I too was sexually abused as a small child by the familys best friend then a couple of other offences by other men but no real physical stuff. I have had many other traumas but no others like your wife.
My hubby gets totally confused too. Here is how I feel and what I do and perhaps it could give you an insight into what happens for her maybe and how my husband has coped....
I can tell you that I am extremely jealous when my husband is around other women. All my friends know not to touch him or flirt with him or danger lurks. LOL Most times we keep it light hearted but if some one did flirt then I would be the first one to start something. I am always saying he is having affairs and all sorts of stuff. I can't help it. I love him so much and feel that I don't deserve to have him and that he might find some one better and that he might leave. The thought of him leaving for a 'better' woman is constantly by my side. I would worry about it several times a day.
When I really go off, my husband gets accused of all sorts of stuff. Thankfully he is a very quiet and calm man!! We have been married for 23 years and have 3 children, 22 ,19 and 15. They all laugh at me because I get so worked up and they can't see that any one else would want the 'fat bellied, grey haired, wrinkly old bloke' anyway.
I think that I felt like garbage, and was treated like garbage (I could really relate to that analogy) so therefore I constantly wonder why he married me. The only thing I can come up with is that his self esteem was so low at the time, that he thought he wouldn't get any one else. 'No one else wanted me so why should he want me?"
I often threaten that I will leave him and I think it is more to try and control who is leaving who.
Thankfully my husband is very calm, like you by the sounds of it, and just offers to do what ever it is I need him to do so that I feel comfortable. He has offered to not go to parties any more, Quit his job, wear a tracking device etc etc.
I am now known to have a hair trigger angry thing too. Reading your story it sounds just like inside my home.
I am pleased that you realize it is not you. I have had my husband have a total depressive breakdown about 9 years ago and he is only just coming out of it now. I don't know if that was me the cause or something that happened but I bet that I kept him there for a long time. Perhaps it was because then I could care for him and he was unable to leave because he was convinced he was worthless and hopeless. (Ugly Food for thought for me)
My hubby always has like a mantra that he tells me that he loves me, he isn't going anywhere no matter what, he is in this for life etc etc and slowly I am starting to believe it as it is 23 years now. (even writing that I think 'but he still might')
My fear and hurt always comes out as anger!! I can't feel other emotions. I feel no one can hear them. Perhaps when your wife was crying for help no one helped her so only her anger kept her together and she has learned, this is the only way. I feel that no one hears me until I am a screaming lunatic. Then my family stops and listens. I am sure the whole neighbourhood does too and we live on 5 acres so I am certainly loud.
My hubby writes me beautiful cards with loving things in there and he lists all the things I do that he loves me so much for and all the positives about me and why he thinks I am so wonderful. You have no idea how much I depend on those cards and how dear they are to me. I keep every one and love leaving them around so I 'discover' them and read them again and again. He didn't give me one of the cards for my birthday once and I can tell you he still remembers to make sure he doesn't do that again!! I never told him before how much they meant but by gee when I didn't get one he found out the hard way.
It sounds crazy doesn't it. Even reading this, I feel like I am the worst wife ever. I bash myself stupid for days after one of the 'fights' and am terrified even more that he will leave. It makes me more nervous and more fragile. Luckily my husband knows this now and has learnt that loving me and showing the love is the fastest cure and with alot of 'abusive help' (me telling him) he knows how I can 'see' that he loves me. EG I always thought when he bought me flowers that he was apologising for stuff so I hated flowers. He used to give me flowers and of course it didn't show me love, it pointed out he was guilty of something. Now he knows a note on a piece of paper on my pillow with something like, 'I love you just the way you are because you are such a wonderful mother and I feel so blessed that you are my wife' goes way further. These notes he leaves in funny places so I will find them from time to time. Thus the jealousy lessens because I know he is thinking of me. (Right now I have a yellow postie note with a nail through it, nailed to the ceiling that reads 'I will love you always' with hearts drawn all over it in red marker pen. I see it every morning when I wake up and remember how upset he was that I thought otherwise so he put it up there so I would always remember.) Mad and crazy but we love each other so much it hurts.
If you want advice then I can say my lifes motto is 'the only way to kill bad feelings is with massive quantities of love.' No matter what it seems to work. You just have to find the way she can 'see' you love her and her only, and show her in her way, not the way you think it is shown. Remember the flowers??
My husband is Finnish and the culture plays a big part too. Don't under estimate this!!!! Study the culture and see how the men over there show their undying love. It might be jewelry, or flowers.
Some cultures are naturally loud and the women scream and they are waiting to be dominated into submission (in a loving way) by a 'strong man' so they can see that they are loved and safe and protected because he is so strong.
The secret is to show your love all the time and not just when you want to come out from the dog house. Every hubby ends up in the dog house at some stage, that is why they have sheds. They are big dogs. LOL
I have no idea if this helps but perhaps just knowing that you aren't the only one copping it is of some comfort. Remember that it is probably a jumble of insecurity, based on her self esteem and her fear that you will not love her enough to stay. If you threaten to leave she may not ever forget!!! If my hubby ever does that to me or he takes off, it takes me weeks to recover and I have never forgotten and it has undone a lot of very hard work by both of us very quickly....
My hubby always says his life is never boring and the up times are always so much better than most blokes get so he remembers them when it gets tough. I wish you well and hopefully my life has helped yours...
