Relationship Husband Pulled Gun, Threatened Suicide During Argument.

[Kefira]

Do you have one person you can go to for a night no questions asked while you figure out the rest? This is a lot to process all at once, and if you had a safe place to stay even just tonight and tomorrow you might come up with a lot of answers, or at least some of the next questions. Just a thought.

Also, good for you for sticking to your promise to yourself. I ignored those "the next time this happens I'll leave" promises for one too many times and ended up seriously injured and nearly worse. Your gut normally knows when you listen to it.

 

[Justmehere]

Good people ask for help. Nothing about what is going on changes who you are as a person. Those with real courage ask for help. He's not a horrible person either, he's just been wounded by war and his ptsd is now life threatening.

If this was someone fighting a life or death battle with cancer, would you hesitate so much asking for help? My guess is that you would not. In this situation he is fighting a life or death battle with how his brain has been wounded by war. It's not so different. Yeah, some people in society stigmatizes it, but you are better than those you stigmatize it.

His life and your well being is way more important than what anyone thinks anyhow.

My guess is that not only would your family not feel obligated, but they would want to help and would be crushed to know you were going through all this alone and didn't reach out.

The best way for you to care for anyone, everyone, is to reach out and get help and let go of some of your need to be the one caring for others.

The guy is so struggling with the pain he is in that a violent death actually seems better than enduring how things are. Something needs to change. One of you needs to have to courage to start reaching out to people in your lives to get some help. Continuing to do what you have been doing is just going to get the same results - and it's not working. He's hurting, you are hurting. Lots of people don't need to know lots of details for them to start providing help and support.

He is intermittently ready to kill himself and/or others to stop the pain he is in. How much worse does it have to get before you get help and support for you both?

 

[Hydrotroop91]

As someone with thoughts of suicide myself I would also recommend you calling someone. He needs help even if he won't admit it. I'm guessing the pain is very much on him right now and when you hurt that much it is often to hard to see the bigger picture. All you can focus on is how to make the pain go away and go numb and when you can no longer go numb with your usual ways then suicide seems like a major relief. The thought that all of the pain could go away in that one second is calming and a relief for some.

If his career is within the military they would rather him get healthy again before losing him this way. We lost someone I worked within my unit this way. It is very sad and it was because he had no way of escaping the issues. He needed help and didn't tell us. It will get rough before it gets better once your husband is therapy and he will probably feel very vulnerable. I know I did when I started therapy but am learning to get over it. He may be mad at first but once he can learn new coping techniques and gets it under control he will be able to thank you more. I was mad at my friends but am doing much better now! It isn't perfect but I have more hope in those darker times. I hope this helps. And you both will be in my thoughts and prayers. I know it is scary and difficult but you can pull through, there is hope. And do the best you can to take of yourself too!

 

[Justmehere]

One last thought - I did a ptsd intensive inpatient treatment program and several members of the military were in the program with me. They didn't lose their jobs because they got impatient help. They were all able to keep their jobs. Not saying that's the case for everyone, but it's not always true that a member of the military will lose their job of they get help. One person in treatment was there because they told her she had to go or else she would lose her job. Right now, it's in the best interest of even his commanders that he get help so he has a chance to do the best job he can.

 

[Hydrotroop91]

Yep that is correct same with members who have a drug addiction as long as they admit to it prior to a test then they get treated and are fine.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He needs to be sectioned. I know that in my state, what he has done is definitely enough to get him sectioned. I was sectioned for my suicide attempt, and I didn't attempt to take out anyone else as I went down. Essentially you saying that you are worried about him losing his job as a reason to not get intervention is....uhm, not sure what the right word is, but if he isn't alive, he won't have a job to worry about. The most important thing right now is you staying safe and him staying alive. I understand that you took vows and such, but its a bit skewed to think that God wants you to stay with a guy who makes homicidal gestures by threatening to take out the cops if they arrive. THIS IS EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION and VERY much abusive! Call his CO, call the cops, call whomever you can think of. All you have to say is that you didn't report it earlier because you were scared of the repercussions as he has firearms in the house. No more explanation needed. If you say he was making threats to take out cops, then yes, he will get the help he needs. Just remember you aren't doing this *to* him, rather you are reacting to his actions. He is the one who has created this situation and at this point you are the one who needs to react in one way or another in order to get him help and keep yourself safe.

 

[NovemberStar]

You're worried if you sought help (via the police or mental health) his employment options will be affected?

Sorry - but him hanging himself or shooting himself will have much more serious consequences here. Especially if it doesn't work and he is left permanently disabled.

You've asked for advice and the overwhelming consensus is SEEK IMMEDIATE PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR HIM

You see not equipped to treat him - and unless you plan to commit your life to 24 hour watching of him, you might very well one day find him dead. That won't be something easy for you to live with. If you have kids - it might be them who finds him.

I agree - it's manipulation he is using to threatened you (killing the police if they come).

I also personally believe there is a significantly high rate of co-dependence - to the point of martyrdom - amongst partners of men with PTSD, compared to the general population. It can feel very heroic to personally 'be the one' who 'saves' them or 'turns them around' but it is a deluded way of thinking and one that in most cases, does not end well for you or the one with PTSD.

You're also assuming he will keep giving y sings he is about to kill himself, or that you will be there to talk him out of it or call for help. It takes less than a minute for him to grab a gun and shoot himself - and these severe suicidal urges do NOT always happen when other people are around.

At the very least - remove all guns / bullets from your home. Sure he might still hang himself but at least he can't shoot YOU at the same time as himself if he has no access to a gun. Where I live the laws state someone who is mentally ill can have and should have, any gun licence revoked, for this very reason.

Oh wait - you live in America - I imagine no such laws exist in this case. Heard on the radio yesterday the FBI have analysed the number of mass shootings in America (in public places that aren't gang or drug related). The number has more than DOUBLED in the past SEVEN YEARS, averaging 12- 16 per year. Your partner is high risk of doing this given he is mentally unstable, and has threatened death by cop.

 

[Hashi]

No one in my life really knows, as I don't like discussing my marriage with friends or family, because they never forget.

Never forget what? The things you let yourself "forget"?

Where are you in this?

 

[Needadvicequickly]

I've made quite clear I'm not staying with him for my religion or his job. Obviously his health takes priority, the reason I didn't call the cops is because I wanted to process everything. In hindsight was it the best option, no. But in the heat of the moment I was scared and trying to be rational, but failing. God of course doesn't want me or him to be homicidal, suicidal or even stupid to the point of danger. He knows better than anyone the situation. Sorry if this sounds defensive or harsh, that's not how I intend it to sound or type. Hard to convey tone online

 

[Needadvicequickly]

What I meant about forgetting is that your mom, sister, best friends don't easily forget or forgive when someone hurts you. That's why I keep my relationship private, ALL aspects of it, not just this. That's how I have always been, not because I've ever had anything to hide or thought my family wouldn't understand, but I've seen other people struggle to repair a bond between their spouse and family when they encountered hard times.

 

[Hashi]

This is more than "hard times".

How many people do you know who have this sort of "hard times" in their relationship? Guns, suicide threats, being worried that the gun will be turned on you, the fact that he "decided to assume the role of a sniper"... this is not "hard times". Sorry.

You said yourself:

Lord knows we've tried and I swore to myself if he ever pulled a gun again I was walking... and now here we are.

Do you think you might be "forgetting" a bit too much?

 

[Needadvicequickly]

Thanks Hashi, but your input is ceasing to be helpful at this point. I am not ignorant nor making light of this situation. Furthermore, "hard times" is a subjective term. No one knows what another couple goes through, so I do not assume to know and/or compare notes. I know what MY relationship is like and what "hard times" means for US.


And no, I have not forgotten. Not a single, solitary, painful thing. I have been the sole glue in a relationship that is failing and unraveling right before my eyes. When I get home today I have the distinct pleasure of collecting all of the firearms, knives, ropes, belts, chemicals and any other harmful materials I find and tell my husband that unless he is treated IMMEDIATELY our marriage is over. But thank you for reminding me to not forget, I'm quite sure it won't be happening any time soon.