I Am A Misandrist And I Don't Know What To Do

[thedeliberates]

I am really beginning to hate and fear men. I am pretty smart in knowing about attachment theory and why I draw these men in, but it's inescapable. I am drawn to them like a magnet. I fear that I will never have a good relationship again. I'm 25; how could I have children knowing I have this handicap in relating to others and how could I even think of dating when all I have are memories of being called, fat, being controlled, or chasing after a man who gave me crumbs of attention? I can't deal with any uncertainty or ambivalent abuse anymore but that is all I'm drawn to or all I attract. I am beginning to feel better thinking the whole world is this way; except for the few people I trust and love. I wasn't this way before, but because things have been held over my head (and because it's been so long) I find the idea of sex with another person disgusting and scary. I have a sex drive but I don't know if I could have sex with another person. I would feel used or ashamed of my body. When I think of having a real relationship or the opportunity presents itself I shrink back out of fear. I don't know what to do.

 

[MisterCatLady]

I am so on the same page! Personally, I'm a lesbian but I've had experience with men. That hatred for men is deep and real. I'm chronically single and celibate and I love it that way. You're absolutely right that you're drawn to them and they're drawn to you. Right now I'm doing some long term soul searching and I won't be entering another relationship until I know I and the other participant are in healthy emotional states. One thing I've learned is that relationships have seasons. Pay attention to how your SO treats people he doesn't like because at one point or another, you'll be on that list - that's nothing against you that's just how relationships work. If he's a chronic complainer and whines about how he's been wronged, then eventually he'll see you as having wronged him and he'll react however he's used to reacting. If he's kind, respectful, and empathetic then he'll want to work things out when the going gets tough.

 

[DharmaGirl]

One thing I've learned is that relationships have seasons.

This is an excellent thought. I will write it down if you don't mind because it is a universal truth. I hadn't thought about it in this way before but it is true.

 

[Friday]

Not inescapable. Totally possible to learn to either cut off that particular kind of attraction, or to add another (to healthy non abusive blokes) and be able to tell the difference between the two. As is the rest.

PTSD tends to come along with a 'sense of foreshortened future', or now is forever & the inverse 'if it isn't real now, it won't ever be' ... But stop for a second and do the math :) While all of the above can take a few to several years? In fact, the average for changing a solid pattern of abusive relationships is 2-5 years. But lets double that to 10 years, just for fun. You'll only be 35. And ten years is a looooooong time. 10 years ago you were just 15. 10 years before that you were 5. Imagine the astronomical amount of change between 5 & 15, or 15 & 25. 25 & 35? Has the same sheer force of time attached to it. Except you're an adult. So you get to choose what it is you're working on.

 

[MisterCatLady]

Except you're an adult. So you get to choose what it is you're working on.

That's such a comforting thing to remember.

 

[thedeliberates]

You're right. I am having a hard time because I recently reconnected with someone whom I thought I could work things out with; only that he ended up triggering a spiral of negative feelings in me and I immediately pushed him out of my life. He is not one to take responsibility or want to talk things out. I always say we paint the tapestry of our reality from the paints of the relationships we choose to engage in, and that colors our world. I didn't like the colors he was giving me. It hurt but I pushed him out. I am stabilizing now that he is out. The thing is, the thing that triggered me to reengage with him was me trying to date new people! The wound is not healed and I am still looking for retribution and healing. Luckily I just gave it all to him; I let him have all my anger and my resentment and my acknowledgement of my love for him and nothing was left unsaid. I felt free and open and I didn't have to carry that anymore. One of my deepest concerns is to admit weakness and be ignored/rejected, or to admit desire and be seen as needy. So I was needy, loud, defiant, and honest about my anger and love and you know what? He left. And I'm glad he did. I used him to let that anger and resentment release and then he became nothing to me. It didn't feel like a sting of abandonment- because I know I had already lost (the idea of) who he was. New relationships trigger me, and if they don't trigger me, I lose interest. That is my problem. It's a fearful reaction that causes me to shut down (bored, not compelled to chase) or to run, especially when the person reminds me of these previous bad men.

 

[Isobel Wolf]

I've stopped desiring romantic interactions and sexual contact and feel better than I ever did being the approval seeking plaything of men. Can't weed through the dirtbags anymore, lost the will. No guilt, no shame. Amazingly I still have male friends who know I feel this way and still try to sleep with me/date me, like their attention will fix me (more like they see the VICTIM sign and want to be next in line for the chance to use and abuse.) I found radical feminism, and through it have learned to connect to women in a way that aligning myself with men as a liberal feminist never permitted, and it helps me articulate why I have the empirical evidence to truly hate men who aren't 100% allies, and see without blinders the way men control us by brainwashing us into hating ourselves. NO!!! Stay angry, unpack your feelings why. The support of platonic women will always be healthier than soul killing impermanent romantic love, or the slavery of a relationship. My brain is mine, at last. It was a long painful road getting here.

 

[420kitty]

I got my ptsd from an abusive relationship. Ever since then I started to open my eyes to how men really treat women. I started to hate men (specifically white men and I am white). It's just the little things they feel they have the right to do. Like cutting women off in traffic, being bullies by trying to intimidate, etc. I have a couple male friends but they understand it.