I Am Coming To Terms That My Dad Sexually Abused Me

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi,

So It's been a little over 2 years since I had a nervous breakdown, started breaking the seal of denial, joined myPTSD, and started therapy with a trauma specialist. I've been doing EMDR for about a year or so. My life has changed positively in many ways and I am rediscovering resources that are very useful for me like doodling, collage, music, etc.

Even in my introduction post, I mentioned that there might have been sexual abuse but I am not sure. Since then on several occasions, I've written in my journal that there might have been sexual abuse by my father. In movies, I've identified with people who have been sexually abused by their father, also songs about sexual abuse like Charlie Big Potato by Skunk Anansie and people that have been sexually abused. However, I wasn't sure or I was denying it. Today for the first time, I took a piece of paper and wrote "I was sexually abused by my father" and it felt real and the right thing to do. I even got a glimpse of memory in my mind. I know that it was my father and no-one else did it. Again, the memory is barely accessible but I strongly believe it and it feels the right time to speak about it like I am ready now. I am not even that scared of stressed about it. I feel ready to deal with it and move on with my life.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Eurythmics - I've Got A Life

Oh also, how to bring it to my therapists. In the past 2 years, I've never mentioned it to her. I talked about other abuses physical, emotional and we processed quite a lot of memories but not once did I mention or hint sexual abuse. She has been very supportive and she trusts me. I don't know how to bring it up. I am afraid she will have many questions though she is not that kind fo therapists. She is very kind and grounded. Nonetheless, I don't know how to say it. Should I just write it on a piece of paper and give it to her? I haven't done this. So far, I've always told her the memory I want to work on and we proceeded with EMDR.

 

[Beaglefan61]

Repressed memories can play havoc on ones life in ways not realized. If your memories are coming back my best to you in getting all the support for yourself that you need. I am glad your therapist believes and trusts you. That is crucial! If not sure what to say maybe putting it in writing can help or at least start with "i don't know what to say". Sometimes when not knowing how to start saying exactly that can help you ease into it. If the memories and feelings are coming up it may be that you are more ready to deal with it. Your therapist being caring and kind will help with this. It is not easy dealing with the feelings sometimes, but life before dealing with the feelings ain't exactly a piece of cake anyhow. Better to have hope of things getting better and then actually getting there rather than being on hold in misery. If you need extra support forums (there are many) and in life support groups can make a needed difference. My best to you with how this all goes. Be gentle with you through this and find others who try to be gentle with you too.

 

[ladee]

You go in..you set down ,get comfortable and you say it just like you shared with us.
Possibly some of your angst is in the telling then it really is true.
But you don't have to jump head first into the work. You can take time to see how this truth fits. How it changes things..you have time to explore it.
Writing it down today was very very brave. And by your own admission..it felt true and right.
You have come so far..and worked so hard.
Honor you and the work You have done..just go in and say it.
Sending gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Sideways]

Approaching this with your T could be anything from telling her straight up, to writing it down, sending her an email, whatever you're comfortable with. It's even okay to ask your T how they'd proceed if you hypothetically wanted to talk about it, so that you can plan with your T how the conversation is going to go beforehand.

The right way of telling your T is whichever way feels right to you. The only wrong way, is to decide to never have the conversation at all.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

but life before dealing with the feelings ain't exactly a piece of cake anyhow. Better to have hope of things getting better and then actually getting there rather than being on hold in misery.

That is exactly how I feel. That memory is lurking in the background of my mind. It is hidden in the subconsciousness but it is ready to come out. I might wait for few more weeks but I know that the right thing to do for me and for others is, to tell the truth, and to resolve the memories. I am literally oceans apart from any of my family members and relatives. I don't have a reason to lie. I don't intend to harm them. I want my life back and I will get it. I feel shaky in my arms and weakness in my knees and dizzy.

Possibly some of your angst is in the telling then it really is true.
But you don't have to jump head first into the work. You can take time to see how this truth fits. How it changes things..you have time to explore it.

Thank you for the advice. I am bargaining with myself but I know it in my bones it happened. I will take a few more weeks before I approach it. In the meanwhile I have few other memories to resolve that will help me. Like "I am lazy", "I am using them", "I am lying" -- I worked on this memory but I can do a do over to strengthen the belief "It is OK/safe to tell the truth now". I know I am on the right path.

 

[ladee]

Yay for you ! Believing in yourself and saying "this is my truth".
Very proud of you! You sound much more confident today.
Keep on keepin on!

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you for your support @ladee. I even feel that I am ready to forgive them but NOT to let them back in my life. Just to say what you did to me has already been done to you (from the Color Purple). I believed that as a child and I still do. It is the way to let go.

 

[Beaglefan61]

It is good you have such a grounded and caring therapist with this coming up. Yes, repressed memories can play havoc with the life. That you are rediscovering things you find enriches you is very helpful during a time like this. If you have had other abuses in your life since your father, those could have played a role in that. We all have screwed up royally and done things we later regret, but many of us who have been abused can have a harder time in getting away from types who don't care if they are abusive or not. Finding those who care how they affect us and work on themselves is a big step of itself. We learn to seek those who are trying to get better also. That you have a good base with your therapist, please know that she probably is used to dealing with repressed memories and thus her not believing you is probably not a huge issue. We all desperately need to be believed for what we have gone through. I currently have one thing where i had a something come up for which i am very much disbelieved and it led to a total meltdown and during that i had some pretty cruel influences who were lashing out at the person over whom things got complicated and i lashed out severely as a result. I'm not sure how it would have gone if i had been believed earlier by more people, but i imagine i would have been 'more me' during it rather than some crazy loony. It can be scary for being believed and yes not being believed does cause harm and we can end up far worse for it. Your fear is normal. At the same time, maybe you feel reassured is good at this point. Your being believed, well many many go through exactly what you have with memories coming up later. Please rest assured that it will not be any big issue. It does hurt being oceans away from friends and family. We need support when things get tough and the pain comes out. With regard to that, not sure if i am helping much or not as i am not the same person i was a few years ago with me often not caring anymore about people. To that i say something i used to say to many people before then, 'don't get caught too alone in this'. You being here for extra support as you are away from other friends and family is smart. A good therapist is crucial. Other support is crucial also and it being an experience of healing rather than one of facing so much pain alone that we don't see why bother trusting anyone. Best of luck with the type of support you get through this. My feeling about you being believed, i believe you. I see no reason why your therapist would not and am confident your therapist will believe you. We all need to be believed, need people to believe in us, and ultimately need others we can believe in also. That is human. We float together or we drown when apart. Sorry if that sounds too pithy or anything, just saying it sounds like you are seeking others, do have a good therapist, and should have things continuing on a path to better days ahead.

And that you don't want to get back at him in any vengeful way, good! Some people enjoy vengeance yet do not see how it gets them farther away from any healing really. For many of us, it leaves a horror of haunts and hurts deeply. I commend you for your stance on that. Vengeance only leaves two hurting where there was only one. I understand that far toooooo well after some help being vengeful when in some psychosis state where my influences were beyond the pale rotten and really just didn't want a particular person around anyhow (long sad story there). Keep true to you. It is a far more healing way you have! Best to you in finding those for your life who want to walk forward in that way. Kudos to ya.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

An update. I just emailed my therapists and told her. I also told her I don't want to talk about it in therapy and that I am not ready to process it. I told her I just wanted to share it with someone I trust. I felt better just sharing this with someone. Almost it is becoming more real and I feel less alone. I can slowly break the silence. I can chip at it bit by bit. I first wrote in my journal then here and now I am telling my therapists. Thanks for your support.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Also, my first thought after I sent the email to her was "I told someone now my father will go to jail." I guess I was told this. It is not really gonna happen because Iwe live in different countries on different continents and I have no intention of reporting him now.

 

[Beaglefan61]

It sounds like you are wanting to make sure you get into it all in a safe way. This is a good idea if you are fearing getting into too much when you aren't ready. Telling someone who isn't your therapist is also a good step in making sure you have a good overall support system. One thing i think that can make therapy drag out longer is having support one hour in 168 over the week. Journal is a good idea to validate your reality and have connection with yourself in this. I am not sure how you feel about your father going to jail. Sometimes feeling vindication can be helpful. That you are so far away makes reporting him complicated. The huge thing in this is getting yourself out of jail, one which you did not deserve as it came fully based on his negligence. His crime was putting you in position where you would be left all alone in your pain. That is never okay. Good idea to get the support you need to not be too alone in this. We need others in healing. Be gentle with you there.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you @Beaglefan61 for your support. I am not ready to share the sexual abuse part with anybody else. I do journal. I journal a lot and it is validating. I also do collage artwork. I will make a funeral collage or a jail collage for my father. Also, a coffin for my mother to bury her. I will not get anything out of reporting him. It will only be an unnecessary mess now that my life is getting better. They will never admit it and I already cut off full communication with them 2 years ago. It is enough I see them in my dreams I don't want to see them in person.

The huge thing in this is getting yourself out of jail, one which you did not deserve as it came fully based on his negligence.

I am not in jail. I am guessing you meant the psychological prison that the abuse is causing on me.