I Am Hating Men More And More

[Grama-Herc]

OH My Love you need a motto---I would be very honored to loan you mine ! ! !

"If I EVER get the urge for a man in my life, I will simply get another CAT instead"

 

[tryintobreathe]

"I must be some sort of pathetic joke to men, I have never in my LIFE got respect"

I understand your hatred. But, please don't take this as a personal thing. They would have done the same thing to ANY female! I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now. All men are not evil. I have 3 sons, and one day they will be men. Maybe I am biased, but they are very sweet & caring people.

Jen

 

[Onefineday]

What do you want instead of hate?

It is very hard to see something in a positive light when the only light that shines on it is negative. I want a positive light, I want PROOF that there is someone real. I want respect.

 

[midi]

Respect must come from you before it can come from anyone else. It's the hard truth. Forgive yourself, love yourself, and it will come. It's gonna be a long hard road.

 

[anthony]

All I can say is... good to see you being so honest and open about what you feel. A good direction no doubt.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Onefineday

A few things struck me when reading your post.

One is that, as someone mentioned on here, you are in touch with your anger and the reasons for it. That's a good first step.

You recognize that you've been treated badly by men so far. That's been your reality, your experience. No one can take that away from you. If I was in your place, I'd probably think the same thing too.

You posted your thoughts, feelings, anger, even though you thought some or all men on here might not like what you had to say. So, to me, that means you are standing up for yourself, and shaking your first stating "I'm not going to take this anymore! I want respect." This too is, in my opinion, a good step.

Even though most women know that all men are not bad, it's been your experience so far that the men you have met are all bad. And no one can judge you on that because that has been the conclusions you came to based on your experiences.

It's like me. I was made to feel stupid and worthless when young because I was told that I was those things. It have been ingrained in me for so long, so hard, so deeply, that I was as convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was the stupidest guy on earth, and that's how I justified all the stupid things I actually did do. To me, saying or thinking "Oh, I did this or that stupid thing because all of "me" is stupid" is a bit like you believing that "Oh all these bad things happened to me because all "men" are bad."

It simply wasn't true in my case. I wasn't stupid. Yes, I did stupid things. Things I am not proud to admit to either. But I was so convinced that I was stupid, reinforced by my stupid behavior and experiences and because people laughed, teased or mocked me or told me I was a dummy, I needed to find "evidence" - lots it - over and over again - to prove to "me" that "me" wasn't stupid.

And it hurt like hell for many years, to walk around, smiling, pretending I was happy, carrying what felt like the weight of my own dead body inside. And I can feel your pain in your words.

Me telling you that many men are great guys, is like you telling me back then that I was really smart. I simply would not have believed you. In fact, I would have thought "what does she want from or out me? She is only saying this to use me."

It takes time for us to unlearn and then learn that people are not all bad or all stupid.

And I think you may have had one experience so far. If you really believed men only wanted to hurt you or use you, would you have called the cops, knowing they would have sent bad men to help you? So maybe those cops were interested in your well being.

I remember how I felt about people in general after a while. I hated them all.

It was bad enough to be abused at home, but I was skinny, tiny, and deathly afraid of just about everyone and everything outside of home too.

And later on in life, I realized that trying to heal, trying to standup, felt impossible.

It was like I was in this foxhole, and each time I tried to stand up, someone punched me in the head and I just fell back in my hole, discouraged beyond belief.

If I kept looking for evidence I was bad, stupid, unworthy, I surely would have kept finding it. But I refused to believe that life and people were all bad, and that I was completely worthless and stupid. If I looked hard enough, I would have kept finding bad people and stupid "me". But I chose to prove to myself wrong; that many, if not most, people are good people. I chose to believe that my fellow man and woman were basically good and cared about one another. And I was right.

I hope you reach the same conclusions I did someday.

Thanks for posting.

Johnny

 

[anni]

Hi One,

You were amazing to call the police. What an unspeakable thing to have happened to you! It would have traumatized anyone on the planet, much less someone who has dealt with all that you have!! Maybe you don't feel like it but I find you hugely brave.

God it's awful to live with feelings you don't WANT and can't get a handle on. You have such an extremely astute awareness of how you feel and why. I can't help but think that must be some kind of power base for you, to at least know why you hate men.

With men being half the population, you must have a ton of triggers every day!Certain types of men trigger me, and produce the same man-hating impulses. It's some better at the moment but only because 7 years ago an unbelievably kind, loving, patient and perceptive man who just would not go away! He wasn't overbearing, he just made it clear he liked ME the way I was and was content to hang out somewhere in my life until I came to trust him. It wasn't 'work' to let him get closer and closer because he presented himself to me as a person first, not just a guy ( if that makes sense.)

You're perceptive and self-aware enough to have gotten yourself back to therapy. Since you want so much to not live like this I'm sure your determination will result in some kind of peace with the men issue eventually. I say some kind because it will no doubt keep popping up here and there through life. The sight of a man in a suit, or one of a certain build makes me want to kick them and not stop!

BTW, I had the same issue with being thought attractive. I even went for a long time wearing baggy clothes, stuffed my hair under a baseball cap, and slouched around when I had to go out. At some point I began to resent doing that. I look the way I look for me, not anyone else,and to h#ll with anyone imagining I was something for some sleeze-ball guy to be able to hit on or comment about. It still gives me the major creeps to get stared at by some low-life but at least I'm going out looking like my pre-PTSD self again. You being attractive isn't anyone's business but yours!

You're so self-aware. I'm sure that is half the battle towards your goal. The posts I've read so far answering yours are all so respectful and kind that it must feel to you like you're supported and cared about. Isn't this forum GREAT? :)

Do take care of yourself,

Anni

 

[Pam]

I live between two a**hole houses. The one guy has finally found a mate who yells at him, so that keeps him busy and hen-pecked. The other guy is a drunk but more dangerous because he isn't being yelled at. He has come to my porch tipsy drunk, has peed on my shed and yard, and has left a freshly opened can of "Busch Beer" in my mailbox. So I found a nice dog with a breeding known to be vicious if threatened (half blue heeler, half border collie), put a chain on my door and installed a peep hole, and got a very nice 357 mag revolver that up close will turn him into hamburger even if my aim is a bit off (it will likely kill my Jeep Commander as well since I park it in the driveway in front of my door). I regularly attend self-defense courses and take shooting and gun safety courses every three years or so, even though I already have a concealed permit. My boyfriend (the ptsd sufferer) is fully supportive of my need, as a single woman, to adequately protect myself from a**holes. The sweety even paid for my last class.

PS, my dog Jake will attack even if not threatened. All I have to do is say, "CHICKENS!"

 

[Nicolette]

Ok.... I am going to dare to go out on a limb with this one.

Based on my life experiences I believe, to some extent, we actually are drawn to people that either resemble our childhoods (good or bad) or just the familiar. It is up to us to change this.

I agree some men are ar*eholes but not all are. I did have a stage in my life when all I met was ar*eholes and I hated them with a vengeance. One day I actually asked myself..."what have I done to end up here again?". It was at this point I took ownership of my part - I allowed them to treat me like that (sometimes subconsciously just by my actions).

When I decided NO MORE and I would rather be without men that have shit in my life and relationships with men it all turned around. After 10 years, out of the blue, I just received an apology from a guy who treated me like crap and it's taken him some knocks of his own to realise his mistakes.

I do admit there are always exceptions to the rule but I don't think hating all me is anything more of wasted emotion. I took it, turned it around and used it to make me feel better about me which worked a treat. I know don't seem to meet so many je*ks!

Just MHO!

 

[anni]

Hi Pam,
Your post was serious content written hilariously in spots. Nice job! It's the sort of thing people pay good money to read! Have you ever considered writing for the general public?

Thanks for the content, too. It makes me feel safer to have a plan in place that's offensive as well as defensive. Reading about someone 'fighting' like you do makes me feel braver and more enabled, somehow.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Pam]

You have reminded me of the stack of "just started" and "notes only" drafts of books scattered through my house. One is titled, "Don't Sit On The Lightening Rod", a book about how we get smacked with unpleasant events all because we are sitting on the sharp end of the lightening rod (it begins with a story about an unfortunate Owl). And it is meant to make you groan and laugh at yourself at the same time. Another one is all about recipes with gross ingredients called, "You put WHAT in that?" Examples, Red Beet Cake, Sauerkraut Meatloaf, Tomato Spice Cake, and spicy hot Sweet Tomato Jam. I have another one, a bit more serious, called, "When Good Parents Have A Bad Kid". That one is meant to be part historical and part biography about what used to be called Black Sheep and outlaws, plus a current biography of parents who can be described as being typical, normal, decent parents who had a troubled child. It will also describe the process behind the study done by the FBI on children who kill.

One of these days.

 

[helena]

I wasn't sure how to reply to you because I didn't want to cause you any offence so I apologise upfront if anything i say doesn't come over the right way because that is not my intention.

First off, those 'men' are despicable bullies and they should have been charged for victimisation. (Here they would have got an anti-social behaviour order) not always effective but it does mean you can get them locked up if they came near your front door again.

I can truly understand your fear and disgust and why you find it impossible to trust men. The environment you live in is different to mine but only by semantics.

When I first started out in a career I could not believe how many 'respectable' married men would hit on me at conferences and seminars etc. It used to really infuriate me and I lost respect for the 'suits' as we used to call them.

I confided in an older, wiser woman who said that if I wanted to get on career wise then there was only one way and that was to de-sexualize or tone it down. That didn't mean dressing like a man necessarily but more businesslike, serious, non-feminine etc.

I was offended initially because I thought she was insulting me in some way but then I realised that she was right and that if I wanted to survive in a man's world then I had to adapt.

I have no idea what you look like or dress like so please don't think I am suggesting that their behaviour has anything to do with how you look. But, it might give you a sense of power if you start dressing like a 'ball breaker' and, IMHO, will certainly stop the creeps - they are usually cowards so they hate powerful women (scares them to death!!)

One thing I have learnt is that you can never show fear to men like that. You have to show strength, fight and kick back - inside sometimes you may be quaking but if you let them know, you're done for. (I relate your description of what happened to you that night to what has happened to me many times but in different circumstances)

As for all men being like that, no they are not. If that were true, rapists would not get such a hard time in prison by other men. Most men believe to rape or terrorise a women is abhorrent.

I also speak from experience because I have seen my own SO take on a gang of thugs who were attacking 2 young girls - he didn't even think twice just 'reacted' to what he was seeing (ex. soldier) My God, he kicked some ass that night and, trust me, had he witnessed what those men were doing to you he would have stepped in and kicked their asses too!! (not sure if I am allowed to say that on the forum, sorry if I can't)

Anyway, hope you don't have to experience anything like that again because no one should have to live like that. If they rent the house is it possible you can contact the landlord/owner to complain? I would take some legal advice because there may be things you can actually do about to prevent this happening again.

Take care