Hi, thanks for the message and sorry I missed you.
It seems like there were 3 significant people from your childhood that you write about who have caused you a lot of pain:
Your grandfather
Your stepfather
Your mother
But was there anyone else or do you think they may have been someone else?
It also might help to separate them out individually and look at each of their behaviour in turn. If you can try to be as objective as you can and just deal with the facts of what they did without the emotion (for now at least).
If you start with your grandfather, what were the circumstances leading up to beating you up -
I wrote a big long response earlier today and then when I posted it something went wrong and it never came up, an entire hour wasted.
So I'll write something AGAIN...
I have never had a step-father he was only my mums boyfriend, he is the most significant of all the people that ever abused me, or at least the worst. I will never forgive him. He took my mother from me, he treated me like the most worthless peice of crap. I lost everything but the clothes on my back because of him. All he wanted in life was for me to dissapear and have my mum to himself. I'm not going to go into the story right now because it will take forever, but he can kiss my ass.
My grandfather beat me because we initianally got into a petty fight. I am really embarrassed to say because of the crap I get for it, but I am a bit of a Michael Jackson fan. Say whatever the hell you want (I'm a devistated fan in mourning, so you don't want to mess with me on this!), but back in the days of my teenagehood I idolised him. My grandfather said something not very nice about him and I got upset, then in the middle of a disagreement he turned around and made a racist remark about MJ, and told me to stop being stupid over a n*gger. I got pretty pissed and said 'don't you dare call me stupid' and he came marching across the room and got in my face yelling at me. I was sitting down at the time, and he was standing over me with his fist right in my face, and I said 'get your fist out of my face' and pust his fist away, then he suddenly snapped and started punching me. I tried to get away from him so I kicked him to try and get away from him and he started kicking me and hitting me more. Then he grabbed me by my wrist and dragged me out of the chair while he was still hitting me, but before he had a chance to do whatever he was going to do my mum came to see what was going on because she could hear me screaming, and then she started yelling at him to get away from him. Then we both went to my aunties house for the night. My grandfather wouldn't talk to me for 3 and a half months, and any time that he did it was something snide and angry. My entire family other than my mother took his side, saying he had things to deal with and it was hard for him, and one of my cousins was so mad she didn't want to talk to me. I had bruises on my legs and on my arm, and he is twice as big as me. But God forbid HE should do anything wrong. I was even told by my cousin what she had heard about our fight, and it was just a bit different to what had actually happened. My auntie even confirmed that when I spoke to her recently (after yet another fight with my grandpa, but it wasnt physical that time). So it's nice to know that people would take the side of someone who is a known alcoholic (but oh, not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic of course), who is known to have a temper (but that's only because he has a lot to deal with, so he's allowed to angry), and who used to beat my mum when she was younger (although that never really happened did it? It's just my mums delusions). My grandfather is the closest thing to a real father I've known, and we do get along. But he can be a wanker sometimes, and I sure don't care for his racism, which he denies. Sorry, but calling people gooks and blackies and n*ggers is racist. And just because I'm a grown up now doesnt mean he can talk that crap in front of me.
Another now significant person would be my real father who I met when I was 18, we don't get along at all. He is so angry, another alcoholic, and he thinks the entire world is against him. If he's mad at me he will send me messages on my phone calling me a drama queen and a wimp, if he tires to give me things and I say no thanks he will get in a huff and call me stubborn and tell me I appreciate nothing that people do for me. He takes every situation and blows it out of proportion. On my 21st he got a friend to call me in the middle of the night to asked if I cared about the fact he has cancer, and why don't I come visit him. She was trying to be nice, but when I told her about the things he's said and done she was shocked and said she had no idea. I see him occassionally but I can't stand walking on egg shells around him. All the names he calls me are the same things my mums ex-boyfriend called me, so I take it very personally. It is one of my triggers being called these things or having someone get angry at me. So I can rarely cope with my dad.
Most other people were smaller incidences. The first sexual encounter I can remember was when I was 5, with my mums friends son who was 7. Whenever we stayed at their house when we'd go to bed he would keep asking for sex, and he would lie their and say 'can we have sex?' over and over and over and over and over for hours. I almost caved in once, I remember saying 'fine just do it' and taking my clothes off, but then he ended up going off doing something else before anything happened. I know because of our age that might seem petty, but even now it disgusts me.
Then their was a guy that used to catch the same bus as me on the way to school when I was 11, he was 19 and went somewhere else, but he would always sit and talk to me. He made me feel awkward because he was a bit odd, I think he had dyslexia. Then one day he asked me out, and it freaked me out. I tried to avoid him but it didn't work so my mum made me called the bus company and tell them, then they sent 2 people to meet me at the bus stop and when I got off the bus they stayed on and when he did get off they told him who they were and to stay away from me. From then on he'd sit on the bus and stare at me with this hateful look.
When I was 8 I was at a friends house and her brother who was 14 kept groping me, he would just stand their touching my ass all day, and when my friend wanted me to stay the night his brother said I could sleep with him in his room. This certain incident I had the guts to tell him to back off, I said if he touched me one more time I'd tell his mother, and after a bit of protest he finally backed off.
I did have something going on with a guy I met while I was in America, he would write mushy love letters and call me all the time and we'd spend forever chatting on the computer, I had spend 24/7 with him while I was over there. I know what yall are thinking, what can I expect from someone in another country. Well I didn't persue him he persued me. And even getting a letter from him terrified me. I couldn't read his letters or cope with the things he'd say. But my therapist said I should use it as an opportunity to get used to that kind of thing because it's no as direct as if he were actually with me, I could do it in my own time. And it started to work, I would read his letters over and over until I was used to it, and eventually I was starting to get pretty stoked by it.Then he suddenly dissapeared and went off with aother girl. Then he came back to me. Then he went back to her and told me to suck it when I confronted him. Then last week I got a message from him with his appologies, that he just wants me to be happy. Bugger off. I was shattered, not just because he went off with someone else, but because he ruined a really great frinedship, and we were very good friends. And he betrayed any ounce of trust I gave him. I thought maybe he'd prove me wrong, but he proved me right.
In highschool I copped it a bit, I didn't really have a lot of friends, and on top of that, I was um, a bit more developed that most of the other chicks. It was a bit of a downfall as a kid, I looked so much older than I was, when I was 8 I could pull off 12 or 13. Now that I'm 22 I look 17. But back then it caused me to get a lot of male attention by men a LOT older than me. And in highschool it got me a lot of attention for a while too. One guy in particular (and I swear if I ever meet this guy again I'll bloody smack him) gave me HELL. And at one point he was obsessed with my rack. He humiliated me in front of my entire class during drama one day, he had to do poses that I had to copy, so he purposefully did one pose that would mean that I would have to grab my chest in front of everyone. I knew exactly what the f**k he was up to so I just refused to do it. Then I went to a councellor and they spoke to him. It didn't stop him giving me hell, but at least it wasn't sexual anymore.
Plus being told by friends that guys have the right to break up with thier girlfriend after a few months if she doesn't want sex, that guys HAVE to have sex, then having someone offer me money to 'hang out', being followed home, having a friend ask me on a date, then after I say no keep having a crack when he's drunk, having a guy sit behind me on the bus and sticking his hand through the back of the chair to start touching me, or some random guy I've never seen in my life sit next to me and put his arm around me and start playing with my hair asking me to be his girlfriend, guys driving past yelling out perverted comments or calling me a slut...
I could go on and on with these, but I think you get the idea. And no, I am not the kind of person to intentionally attract this attention. I don't wear lots of make up or wear absolutely nothing, I don't find myself attractive at all. In fact I dispise being told I am pretty by anyone.
Anyway, I can't think of it as anything but negative, any guy trying to initiate anything more than friends makes me run in the other direction, I dread it. And there are times when it is literaly terror that I feel, not just 'don't touch me'. I am not an intimate person, the thought of kissing someone, bleh. I couldn't have sex because I'd think they just want it for the sex. I couldn't hold hands with someone or tell them how I feel. I am so comfortable alone, but it's so lonely.
