I Am Hating Men More And More

[onebravegirl]

Hi OFD,

I'm just once again struck by how many human beings wreck havoc in the lives of others, with no conscience no regard, and mostly no dam consequences. Violence, abuse, betrayal or all of the above has landed us all here. This havoc seems to be so pervasive and so endemic that it makes the top of my head feel like it's going to pop off because it's so overwhelming.

At least in my travels I got to this place. It sometimes makes all the difference in my day to visit here, read the stories, the various reply posts and once in awhile laugh!

I want to get one of those 'invisible dogs'! You're right, even the kooks out there might think twice about accosting someone who looks like an even bigger kook!

Take care!

Anni

When ever I get a chest cold I sound Exactly like John Wayne. Years ago a car pulled up along side me as I was walking to the Doctors office and this guy says "Hey Baby, Wanna ride?" I stopped and smiled and said in my deep Manly sick voice "I used to be a man ya know". The look on his face was priceless and it shut him and his Buddies right up. They drove on and I walked on.
:rofl:
O

 

[Pam]

OMG! I will SOOOO be using that line! My voice is naturally so low that I can sing base parts in a choir, all except for that really low C. So when I get a cold, it gets VERY manly!:rofl:

 

[Onefineday]

I had a bit of a trigger just now, I am talking to someone on the computer because he wanted to catch up with people from our group when we were studying. We got to talking about pictures (I take photos of EVERYTHING), and he said I'd never get a photo of him, and I'll get him when he's asleep. Then he called me a pervert and I said I'm not, I'll just put some make up on him while he's sleeping and then I'll get a picture. We were only joking, but then he said 'yeah after you've taken my clothes off and tried to have your way with me'. I KNOW he was just kidding around but even writing that right now is making my skin crawl, I feel so perverted and disgusting. God I wish he didn't say that.

 

[anni]

OFD,

Yes! That horrible, crawly, dirty and just plain ICKY feeling when a man makes those remarks is really really familiar. Even kidding, it feels AWFUL! Then for an entire day afterwards I can't shake that feeling. It will blow my whole day, and sometimes a couple of days.

I hope you've managed to regain your equilibrium somewhat. Even knowing why I get triggered doesn't help, I know. It's just IEWWW!

Take care, ok?

Anni

 

[Onefineday]

I'm over it now, triggers don't usually last very long unless it's something major. With things like that it might only be 10-20 minutes, but if I have a fight with someone it will last for up to 2 days where I sit and cry and want to kill myself and all that.
I think that feeling I get stems from when I was a kid, I have never understood why I felt that disgusting feeling when guys have a crack, but I think it may be because when I was younger I got so much male attention from guys who were older than me (up to 20-30 years older), so I obviously felt disgusting.
I've noticed that the feeling I felt back then is the same feeling now, which may partially explain why I find men so revolting. This is kind of hard to explain, but when I think of myself in a relationship or being intimate in any way I think of myself as kid, I mean I don't think of myself AS a kid, but I think that kid from years ago is still me, and I find myself from back then yuck, and to think that kid can have a relationship and have sex just makes me feel sick.
I don't know if that made sense, or if I explained it the way I meant it.

 

[TLight]

Urghh, I actually had to interact with people for a full day in an office on Monday. Usually I'm at home alone and safe and happy.

So I'm at the engineering firm and I'm working with a woman (luckily) on my maps. Oh, then the principal comes over and says, "Oh, you must be Terri, the important woman I'm cc'ing on all these e-mails....the one who is going to get this project straightened out."
I shook his hand and said yes, nice to meet you.

Then I had to talk to him later about some problems on the grading........freaking place is supposed to be a wetland and half of it isn't getting hydrology.......better fix the other half before we build it right?

Well, he had a fine time telling me which way the water was supposed to flow, gossiping about my bosses,etc.

Then I go back to my maps and him and all his engineering 'buddies' are lined up two cubicles away with coffee in their hands talking about 'testosterone.....'how high were you?'...laugh chuckle chuckle..........all of them, staring at me. Like they were all putting on a little man show just for the new MEAT. I felt all this energy shooting right at me. I felt naseous........couldn't concentrate........then, of course, after all of that, wanting to run.........then the hate kicked in.

Immediately they are the enemy.
My T said don't make them monsters. So I tried to remember that..........I tried to just go....'well, that's what men do." Likely most if not all of them had rings, kids.......etc. etc.

I know that I'm older and sort of can't wait to get even older. I'm 44, but people still say I look like a model. I try to dress like a biologist......jeans tucked into dirty boots, no make-up, hair a disaster........I do brush my teeth.

I think about Scott then........my mind takes off. This is how all men are. Wives at home, slaves handy.......then out in the world they get to at least act like they have mistresses........kings of their doman BS.

I left glad that I'd only have to be around there once a year. Then up came the important meetings we are going to have to have. Me in a conference room with 5 ball busting men all trying to act intelligent and get the upper hand. I'm the one who has the to make the damn place work. I'm the one who is in the 6 month process of analyzing the entire site scientifically...........I have some answers and some good options........

I know my voice will shake.......I know I'll get over talked.....I know they'll all just think 'isn't she a cute little biologist'.........I know.

I order to even function.......I'm going to have to come in with an attitude, talk forcefully, be extremely assertive. They can go in and have fun, look smart, banter about.........I have to have armour on to even make a sentence mean something.

I'm not looking forward to this..........just glad I don't have to interact with them all the time.

This just happened Monday.........plus I've sent off 45 thousand dollars for a piece of property in the Okanogan and Scott and his hunting buddies are going over there today.........

I'm here, lying in bed for two days. Terrified. I've spent my life savings on a piece of hunting property for him and his buddies..........I never learn. Of course, I'd like it to be 'ours'........no marriage proposal........I'm a stupid woman. If this all falls to pieces I'm left with a piece of dirt that I have no clue what to do with.

The trailer is going to be cold in the winter. Survival here we come.

 

[Pam]

Does it have a stream??? With fish??? And deer??? Pheasant??? Grouse??? I'll bring my guns and ammo and us girls will go shoot sumpin!!!!!!!!

P.S. Go get yourself a copy of "Molecules of Emotion" by Candace Pert. Great read and you will love it! She would have liked to shoot sumpin with balls herself at times in her career.

P.S. to the P.S. Just relocated my copy (YES!!) and will be reading it again, starting TODAY.

 

[anni]

You're not stupid. :) You are trusting, hopefull and easily manipulated because you'd like this man to to love you more than he apparently does. More shame on the jerks who take advantage of that.

Put the land back up for sale? It's value is still there, hence your life savings are still intact but in a different form. Maybe you're not feeling strong enough to do that at the moment but it's THERE for you.

My daughter is one of the only females in her intensive chem program at her school. She says the dismissiveness with which females are viewed are very real. She luckily does not have PTSD to deal with but it wears at her anyway. She's very very petite and extremely pretty, which seems to preclude her being taken at all seriously. She deals with it by being better than anyone in the program. Without having to deal with PTSD, this is possible for her. You sound as if you have as much talent as she does. I hope you continue being able to make your own progress in your field. It sounds also as if you're an awful lot stronger than you perhaps feel at the moment!

Please take care? :)

Hugs ( I still can't always remember how to access those darn emoticons so have to write 'hugs.)

Anni

 

[TLight]

Thanks Anni and all..........

About all I can do today I think is curl up in a ball on the floor and try not to tremble too much.
This too shall pass. I just don't want to think about the future and how I may have possibly screwed it all up........yet again.....

 

[Pam]

Go to candacepert.com for more info on her work and books she has written on emotional healing. Unfortunately men tend to shy away from some her suggestions. But it seems that women get it.

 

[anni]

Give yourself a nice, cozy blanket to cuddle into on that floor. You haven't screwed anything at all up, you've been hurt and betrayed and need to heal and regain your equilibrium. Just be very, very kind to yourself, please?

Hugs and take care,

Anni

 

[onebravegirl]

There is this interesting statement. "People convinced against their will are of the same opinion still"
IMO you are creating scenarios in your own mind of what men are and then you watch for indications that you are right. You will never learn or know good men until you are willing to see that they can be. It is your choice. You better decide if thinking like this is good for you or keep you trapped in a cycle of self fulfilling prophecies.
Have you ever considered that you maybe you make men nervous with all you angry energy? I am not saying that you should be treated less than what you are. I am just saying that nervous people act nervous and say and do things that they might not normally. I know for me in the past if I was called a Bitch my natural reaction was to think "Ok, you think I am one, now I will show you one". Maybe you could see how sometimes OK guys act up when they think you have already written them off before getting to know them.
I know you have been hurt badly and this isn't to in anyway take away from what you suffered. All I am trying to ask is this. Do you want to be this way? If not then you are going to have to stop focusing on the problems with men in this world and sort out how you feel about them.
There are incredible selfless, gentle and mild men out there. Ones who are not dominated by their mothers or trying to find a way to say what will make you want to go to bed. There are real Men, Fathers, Brothers, Grandfathers out there and I worry that if you do not open your mind to that thought, you may never be able to see one. I just think you need to remind your self that. Maybe Not,
Just my thought...:Hug_emoticon:
O