None of this true at all. The only reason I have shared any of this is to VENT, as I said right from the start I did not want people to tell me to get over it or anything else. No I am not being stubborn or blind or anything. I just needed to VENT. I have never been able to share this with anyone because people get frustrated. I know what I need, I know when it will be time to start looking at everything. And I know that all I need at this present point is to get all of it off my chest, just to get it all out, and then when I have done that and am able to, to look at it and say 'okay, I've recognised the problem, I've expressed all the hurt and now it's time to fix it'. That is for me to decide when I am ready. I will know when I'm ready. I am in NO way making excuses not to focus on the issue. I am just not yet at that point in dealing with things where I can 'get over it'.
Some people here don't seem to understand that the way I'm feeling is because of triggers, and to be told I'm making excuses and being told in the past by people I know that I'm terrible for feeling the way I'm feeling makes me feel like a horrible person. I am not very good at expressing how I feel on this subject because I've never been able to, when I say I HATE men I am talking about when I am TRIGGERED and start to feel that way. I get along better with men as friends than I do with women actually, I have no problem with that. But then when I see certain things or when I experience a certain situation, all that feeling of being abused, memories of watching my mother, and others in my family, get abused come flooding back. All that feeling of revulsion and terror and helplessness and that need to escape, comes over me, and I panic. I am making no excuses about any of that, I am very well aware of what is happening, and I'm aware of why. Because all I have seen is bad things, at no point in my life have I had any positive male influence. NEVER. How can I see something in a positive light when I have only seen the negative?
My father, my grandfather, my mothers boyfriends, all of them at some point and in some way or another were abusive to me, and then others in my family were abused by others as well and I saw all that. Why did all that happen? Quite frankly it's because my grandfather was a drunk and abusive when my mother and aunties were children, he used to beat my mum while she'd be lying on the floor. So as a result of all that they've all ended up in terrible relationships, both my aunties are divorced, one of my uncles has done some terrible things. Then there is my mother, she has never even been married, just been in abusive relationships or gone out with drunks and drug abusers. Then there is my father, other than the way he treats me he has also apparently beat others, and he hit my brother. Then there is my fathers brother who doesn't even know I exsist because he might try to kill me to get back at my dad. My dad has a scar on his head from when his brother hit him over the head with a pipe, and he once chased my father through the house with a chainsaw. If my dads ex decides to get back at us she could easily tell my uncle about me and where I live, she already told someone else where I lived and where I worked and he was showing up to my house and work.
So seeing a lifetime of this, on top of the other things, has had a great affect on me. It was terrifying when I was little, and when a guy tries to become more than friends with me that is a trigger for me, any intimacy, telling me how they feel, trying to hold my hand, getting drunk and having a crack, all of that is a major trigger for me. I will feel totally fine and then something happens and I get flooded with that evil nostalgia and I panic. I feel like I did all those years ago, I feel pathetic, and I feel a revulsion of myself. And a LOT of that revulsion I feel is of MYSELF. I feel dirty as though I am back to being a 12 year old with some disgusting 40 year old following me down the street telling me I'm beautiful. That is how I FEEL. I feel DISGUSTING. I feel SMALL. I feel PATHETIC. I feel like I'm worth nothing more than an object. Something for someone to take things out on, to abuse and to take no compassion of.
And whenever I see other people in bad relationships, or see stuff on tv, or hear a song with some guy singing about women being hoes and about sex, that is all triggers for me too, I see somone on tv whos had an affair and I get that trigger and I sometimes burst into tears. I CANNOT help that. I CANNOT just get over it straight away. I will one day, yes. But as anyone here should know, any sort of trauma is something you cannot just move on from just by being told to move on. Any trigger is not something you can just stop feeling because someone tells you not to feel that way.
It is a process, and you need to recognise the problem, get it all out, and then work out how it is caused, how you feel and how to get over it. I have recognised the problem. I am TRYING to get it all out. I cannot yet get over it. I cannot get over all this when I still have resentments and hurt built up inside. And there is a lot of stuff, and it's not just men that's the problem. It's all of the neglet I recieved growing up, the drugs and alcohol, people not opening their eyes to get me out of the situation, caring about others but leaving me in a home where I have no bed to sleep on, no food to eat, and I'm continually hiding in my room while some guy stands at the door screaming at me with his demonic anger telling me what a terrible person I am. Losing my home and and everything I had and being judged by people for it. Being judged by my family, as though I was worth the amount of stuff I owned, which was absolutely f*** all. Being treated as though because I didn't have a place to sleep I didn't deserve a miniscule amount of help. Fearing for my life, watching my mother slowly kill herself, just expecting to open the door and find her laying there. Listening to her telling me how she was going to die soon because she was too screwed to recover, listening to her drunken self plan her funeral and tell me everything she wants for it, telling me how she is going to commit suicide by overdosing of medication. And I have expected that for so long that even now if it it happened I wouldn't panic. Watching my cousins falling into abusive relationships, doing drugs, in fact one of my cousins at 15 was selling drugs to my mother, seeing them go to jail before they were legally adults. Moving out of home at 17 because I knew either my mother was going to die or I was, living on $80 a fortnight, sleeping on wooden boards because I had no bed, my neighbour not wanting me there because I was too young and should be living with my parents, my mother not even letting me step through the front door of her house and barely speaking to me, and then being told by my grandfather to stop calling their house all the time, when all I needed was SOMEONE TO TALK TO. When all I needed was someone to listen because I was all alone.
I am sorry but none of that is easy to just get over.
Everything I have inside of me has built up and it makes every different situation feel like an even greater problem. So many things trigger me, the smell and sound of alcohol, drunk people, drugs, the feeling of not being wanted, anger, so many things. And that resentment of other things can really make my resentments of men stronger, because there is just so much stuuf inside. And because quite frankly, a lot of things that happened were caused because of a man.
I have a lot to get over and move on from, I know that for a fact and at no point downplayed that. I have at no point been in denial of anything at all, I have just been affraid to share it because people have never understood. People have always wanted their little bit of advice and input, when all I wanted was a little bit of support and understanding. NOT because I am stubborn or in denial, but because nobody can give advice from someone who isn't ready to take it. And no, I am not ready to take it, that does not mean for a second that I am affraid to accept reality, it is just because I cannot even BEGIN to learn to get over things when I feel like I'm about to explode with the things I need to get of my chest. I have only just begun to make an attempt to move on, not because I'm affraid to accept anything, but because I am affraid of OTHERS not accepting anything. The ONLY thing I want and need right now is for someone to listen, for someone to just let me say it, let me get it all out, and for them to support that, as hard as it is to hear, as much as someone wants to jump in with their advice, as much as someone wants me to get over it. And I will never deny that it is hard for others who don't feel the way I feel to listen to.
But it is for me to know when I am ready to take that next step, and now is definetly not the time. And I guess, this is definetly not the place. I don't know where else to turn. I have just wanted someone to LISTEN. I can share a lot of things with my mother, but I just can't share any of this with her. I just don't feel right doing it. I can't share any of it with my friends or family because they all make a judgemnet on me, try and set me up, or use it against me. I have nowhere to go. I have nobody who will just listen and give a little support. Not 'get over it, not 'you're making excuses' not 'you're so stone hearted'. Just 'it's okay, you will get over it, and I will listen to you even if it is difficult'. It's all I need right now, and it's all I've needed for a long time.
Does that make me stubborn? No. It just means that I have barely begun to deal with a lifetime of issues, not just one or 2 things that happened, but a lifetime. I have said before that I am at the venting and resentment stage of my recovery. All I need is to do that. I know I will get over it one day, I know I will get to the point where I will look for advice to move on, and I also know that now is NOT that time.
As I said at the VERY beginning of this thread, I am sorry if this offends anyone, and if you can't handle listening to what I need to vent, then don't read any more. I made that pretty clear I thought, because I am well aware that what I need to express isn't a nice thing to listen to, not only that but it's not nice to have to say and feel.
I do not HATE men as such, I get along very well with men as friends. As I said I am no good at expressing things in a way that people can understand. If I cannot explain how I feel properly then people can't fully understand the problem, therefore cannot judge or give advice on the situation. That is no judgement on anyone else, but I am trying very hard through all this to explain what I am feeling.
That HATE that I feel only comes when I am triggered to feel that way. When there is no trigger, there is no problem. But when there is a trigger, the entire situation to me is completely different. I have been trying to express what I think and feel when I am triggered, and when I do that all the resentments of the past build up and has to get expressed too.
Now I am sorry for making people mad, and I am sorry for not making myself as clear with things as I've hoped. I'm not going to be doing any more venting on this subject, I never should have started in the first place. I am not in denial of anything, I know exactly what I need right now, and I guess this wasn't the place to do it and I appologise. I didn't know where else to go. All I wanted was someone to talk to, and for them to listen. I have been embarrassed right from the start about sharing any of this, I have always been treated like I'm a bad person for wanted to express a lot of hurt. I just can't come here and do that anymore.
I am sorry if people don't understand any of all that, as I said I am no good at expressing, because when I do I get worked up. Of course I have cried writing all this, because I feel pathetic for feeling so much pain, and for having the selfishness of needing someone to just listen, in fact not even to listen, not even to care, just to let me say it. Let me get it all out. The need to move on is very painful and it is not easy to share, that is why when someone jumps in with their advice I can't take it. Because the emotion that I am feeling is hard enough to handle in itself. I feel as though I am going insane with all this inside. All I want from someone is a bit of tolerace and understanding that all the harsh things I say don't neccesarily reflect on how I actually feel. It is just how I used to feel. Then when I experience something that reminds me of how I used to feel, it makes me think that I still feel that way. It makes me feel as though it is all still happening, as though it's still real. But at the same time, it's not real at all. I know that. I just wish other people knew that. I wish someone could understand that if they don't feel the way I feel then they can't know how I feel. If someone knows how I feel but has had the ability to move on, to understand that yes, that will happen to me too, but just not yet.
I have only just started getting my life on track, for the first time EVER in my life I have a bit of stability, it's not all perfect, but nothing is AS bad as it's been in the past. Now it is my time to get over the past. And I cannot get over 22 years in one night. Wether anybody likes that or not.
