Of the five or more T that, I’ve had since age 20, none of my T asked me about my sexual fantasies nor did I ever bring up my sexual fantasies to them. My T likely knew I wasn’t often sexually active. So, they just never asked. Then too, I’d assume that, my sexual fantasies would be a different topic and likely unrelated to my relationships.
Only my first T discussed my sexual activities with me, after triggering me numerously times during my first four years of therapy. Yet once I began to openly talk about my dating experiences and CSA, he then stopped triggering me. I stopped dating at age 28 while, telling my T that, I still had unresolved sexual problems yet, he insisted that I had none that I couldn't resolve on my own. I wanted to believe him. I continued to see him for four more years until his death. During those remaining years, my lack of sexual activity was never addressed.
I really hadn’t explored my own sexual feelings much at all before age 24. I’d assumed sexual feelings weren’t healthy for a single person like myself. If I’d been married that woulld have been different and important in maintaining a healthy marriage. Yet, I never felt very comfortable with my sexual feelings. Likely, my CSA plus my awareness of my father’s sexual self-gratification lead to this problems. But because I was not having any meaningful intimacy nor orgasms, I didn’t see this as being a significant problem until my mid 40s.
I did see my second T until age 46 but never did address my sexual problem during that therapy. He was only treating me for stress management and had no interest in my past history nor my relationships. In 1988, during my 10th year with him, he asked me, out of the blue, if, I’d been a sexually abused child. I told him, no, while he then advising me to see another T for CSA. This topic was never addressed again in therapy though, I saw him for two more years.
As for having sexual fantasies that aren’t acceptable within a real loving relationship they are only fantasies and not wish fulfillments. I’d think (and this is just my perspective, as a CSA sufferer and lifelong loner) that, the sexual tension in itself seems so alarming, as if, to be a near death scenario that, an equally strong scenrio might be created for bacing out of this fantasy. So then, how might I prevent myself from backing out — by means of an entrapment fantasy. This entrapment fantasy need not be hurtful at all, but rather it seems to make the ‘backing out’ seem impossible. However, I’d assume that, rape sufferers might be triggered by such an entrapment fantasy. I don't feel comfortable with it either.
If the entrapment fantasy seems demeaning, it might only be in the sense that, the fantasy partner demands that their partner not back out, as they desire to share these sexual feelings with them. Still this also freaky me out.
Thus, for me, my fantasy partner will always simply vanish from my mind. They aren’t real people nor do they really touch me. I don’t know how people can stay interested in their own sexual self-gratification. I lose interest.
Perhaps, my childhood sexual abuse led me to believe that sexual feelings only belonged to my father and that, even pleasant affectionate feelings weren’t to shared with others. My father was very aloof.
