I Cannot Take Anymore!!!!

[pamcoco]

I had an epiphany of sorts. For 5 years I have been spinning. I spend my days extremely busy and active, alone. But I seem to not only remain static, it seems my life has continued to crumble. Having never worked so hard in my life, I am frequently perplexed by the constant drop, like the bottom fell out of my life and now nothing is too low.

Trauma and 'bad luck' surround me like the Peanuts character Pig-pen. My friend jokes about how she would never get on a plane with me, because we wouldn't be lucky enough to crash, we would be hijacked and held captive for the rest of our lives as sex slaves, in the middle of the desert, with disgusting sweaty obese, old, fat men our captors.

Really the uncanny horrible experiences that have continued to stream through my daily life are of no consequence here. What is of consequence is the flood gates that opened up after the first of three assaults, and has remained open.

I wonder is if anyone else has had the experience of trauma opening up an influx of more trauma?

The spinning in my daily life has suddenly made sense to me. I feel safer with the familiar and fear by moving forward, I will simply bring forth more trauma and bigger trauma. Bigger mostly because it will be unfamiliar. I am and have been so depleted and heart broken by the revelations of my life over these 5 years, I am pretty sure I cannot take more. I fear the disappointment that will evolve from moving into the unknown.

I give myself a break for this fear because the shiz that has occurred is truly f-ed up. It isn't an overreaction on my part, in fact I have handled most things extremely well, considering.

But since the flood gates haven't closed I am wondering, is there a lesson I am missing? It seems most have a different journey than me, but my journey has had a central theme.... LOSS.

Loss is life and I long to embrace what is and what isn't. I long to be willing to be even more disappointed in the future.

I long to know I can take more.

 

[Justmehere]

I wonder is if anyone else has had the experience of trauma opening up an influx of more trauma?

Yes, I very much have had this experience and friends joke with me about it much like they do you - and they even use the word spinning to describe me.

More than on trauma therapist has said some of it is due to the sort of mysterious pattern of trauma reenactment victims sometimes have. That is not to say new trauma is out fault. I'm told that the way to resolve it is through processing trauma on a deep level within a safe therapeutic relationship... which has been hard for me to do when new trauma kept happening.

I don't have any advice or answers, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

 

[pamcoco]

the way to resolve it is through processing trauma on a deep level within a safe therapeutic relationship... which has been hard for me to do when new trauma kept happening.

That is my experience exactly. The trauma has hit faster than I could possibly process with my shrink. We have been in emergency mode the entire time, something that doesn't stop. I find it hard to recall the sequence of events that led me here. About a year ago I started a time line so I could visually experience what I emotionally experience.

Thanks for the validation. ;-)

 

[CLuTcHiT]

My father in law. You have nothing on him as far as luck. This guy has thee worst luck I have ever encountered in my life.
I can go on for hours about how almost everyday something happens to him whether it's his truck breaking down, fire, getting hurt, losing money, missing things, getting hit by cars, wrecks, etc........ I truly believe this guy has a bad omen on him or a demon following him around. The crazy thing is this guy is the most generous, loving and compassionate guy I have ever met. Trust me when I say this but you are a breeze on a cool mist mourning compared to what I have witnessed with this guy. The key to all this is from what he has told me is to realize everything happens for a reason and press on, evolve in a way. I think you have a good thought when it comes to staying busy and moving forward. P.s have you ever read the book The Secret?

 

[kahlan]

@pamcoco I feel that way a lot too. Between being "comfortable with the uncomfortable" because it's at least familiar, to having friends try and joke about how I have more "drama" in one day than they experience in a year.

I don't have any advice but you're not alone.