I Can't Keep Going On

[FleetwoodWac]

I dont know why I'm writing this. For as long as I can remember, I've always been suicidal and depressive. My BPD got me into eating disorders and drug abuse. I ended up a 79lbs coke addict who was only barely happy, even with a needle jammed in my arms.
I OD'd so many times wishing this time would end it all and yet so terrified that I would die and not know what happened after.
I had two very near fatal overdose that got me into ER and those ODs traumatised me so bad that now 3 years later, I'm a sober neurotic hermit. I can't go out without freaking out and thinking that I'll die from a sudden heart attack. I'm hysterical whenever I get hot, thinking I'm dying. I can't be in a room with the door closed without feeling like I'm trapped and will die there. I have dissociative moments and I just can't do this anymore.

I've been told that I'm close to losing my job, my college semester barely started and I'm already close to failing and at my age if I do fail I'm gonna be kicked out of the house. I don't go out anymore because I always get terrified of everything but mostly of flashbacks and so I do not have a single friend anymore, I cannot be intimate with anyone because I'm scared I'll freak out and have a mental breakdown.

People are so fckng sympathetic with me without realising how much this is awful to live with. I can't even take anxiety meds because my mind think I'm overdosing and I freak and pass out.
I can't do this anymore. I have no life, no joy, no future and every morning I wake up and I'm already freaking out.

and its not fair that I'm the only one in my family with all the mental illnesses. My siblings and parents have fullfiling lives and I'm here dealing with 3 disorders and no way to get out. How does anyone survive life with PTSD?

I can't and don't think I will.

 

[Mashed Potatoes]

I share a lot of what you feel. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression and others that don't matter to this conversation :) I used to OD and end up in the ER drinking that nasty charcoal or getting my stomach pumped if I wasn't awake when I got there. It's a horrible cycle to be in. I am like you, I won't take meds 1 for fear that I will OD and 2 because someone in my past went crazy on them and did bad things and I am too afraid to even try, so I don't. I am the middle child and I moved 1/2 way across the US to find normalcy but didnt' find it. I now live in a place where I didn't know a soul when I got here (I dont recommend that either, that in itself is really bad on the anxiety).. the point is that I can't live near my family. they dont understand tho they try. I feel like the weird black sheep... but what I've realized is that we all experience things differently. You figure if 5 people went thru the same war, each will be be affected differently. its just how we are created. the biggest thing is to take things 1 at a time, and one step at a time. don't expect you'll somehow be 'normal' instead embrace the strength that you have for 1 being able to talk about it 2 still BEING here to talk about it and just realize that (I heard this somewhere before) PTSD isn't about what is wrong with you, it's about what 'happened' to you. <3 idk if that helped at all, but you're not alone.

 

[FleetwoodWac]

I share a lot of what you feel. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression and others that don't matter t...

Thank you.

I'm just...so exhausted by it all. Childhood abuse got me starving and shooting up and the people who wronged me so much are living life like everything is great and nothing hurts. How is that even fair?
I just wish I was strong enough to be able to keep going and fight it. I'm about to lose everything and the one single joy I had in life, I can't do anymore because its also the thing that fcked me up. Drugs was that warm affectionate and fluffy blanket that made me not hurt anymore and I can,t even have that anymore. the fluffy turned into itchy and I'm stuck in the cold with nothing to keep me warm and nobody to help me. I do not have the money for therapy and no meds work and people just don't understand how exhausting it is for us to live like that.

but still, I thank you for your kind words <3

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like your stressed beyond normal limits. Ptsd and drug addiction can go hand and hand. I finally made an appointment with a therapist, and understand the fear in doing so, but I finally had a glimmer or hope yesterday and so I made the appointment. Starting is hard, but once I'm in it feel so much more stable.
I had to take this semester off to get my mental health in order, and I'm glad I did. Dr appointments to get my body, and mind healthy are needed before I go back.
Your here, and were here for you. My family is also doing great, and all the childhood stuff came back later in life, so I need help with that. I can't compare myself to my siblings with out wanting to die. I was hurt and held down bullied inside and outside of the home for many years. Something they never had to deal with. I haven't talked to my brother in years in fact, and don't think I will every again really. But, he is successful compared to me. I have some nasty scars from growing up that make me feel mentally mutilated in society. I can relate.
I think the fact that your working, and in school shows your amazing. A lot of people with no problems can't do that. The stress of possibly losing a job, and school would be to much for most. Please be gentle with yourself. If you cant help it then you can't help it.
Schools have therapy usually and that might help. A support group for the last lifestyle might help like AA, and they are kind understanding people from what I know. I am sening you hugs, and support, and I can relate. I can't take hardly any drugs either. Stress management, and self talk are important. Remember to tell yourself you love yourself. Keep us posted.

 

[Dannyuk78]

Thank you.

I'm just...so exhausted by it all. Childhood abuse got me starving and shooting up and...

sorry to hear you have it that bad at the moment, there are many other ways of coping and im sure there is one out there for you, have you tried mindfulness?

I tried it and now like you have said i get that warm safe place in my own head, granted its for only 10 minuites but those minuites are so welcomed. Remember you have gone through hell and survived to talk about it, you are a strong individual so focus on one problem at a time that way each step is a winner.

I wish you all the best of luck

 

[mrsmegan]

I'm just...so exhausted by it all. Childhood abuse got me starving and shooting up and the people who wronged me so much are living life like everything is great and nothing hurts. How is that even fair?

It's not fair. Unfortunately. I know it sucks, I do....