I Can't Live Like This

[Bagezek]

I don't really know what the point of making this thread is really. I am just sick of having no control over my head, no control over how I feel moment to moment and it's driving me nuts. I don't know how I can learn to be okay with the loss of chunks of time and the shifts in mood that are so sudden and debilitating.

 

[Upika]

I'm so sorry to hear you are so down but everyone has these days so dnt be too hard on yourself. It's ok to feel like this, we are humans at the end of the day and from past or present sufferings it's not easy to be in control with our emotions. Are you seeing a t? Do you have anyone you can talk to? Don't give up on this forum ,the great thing is no one will judge you or tell you how it should be but hopefully you'll get lots of support . I hope you start to feel more positive soon .dont worry too much About mood changings, if a person was locked up for this i would have had my life sentence three times over and key chucked away!!! My mood changes on an hourly basis , luckily for me I do now have a supportive network of people who know how to deal with me but that didn't happen overnight , I lost a lot of friends through them not understanding my cptsd , but I realised they weren't my true friends they were just acquaintances .

 

[Bagezek]

OP here. yeah I am in therapy, have been for ages, which is partly why I'm so frustrated. I want to be better already! I'm realising that it's never going to happen, the best I can hope for is to be functioning most of the time.

I'm lucky to have plenty of friends, but the ones I'm close to are not actually where I am for one reason or another. I'm just lonely I guess. And then my mood drops terrifyingly quickly. I seem to go from okay to suicidal in a matter of minutes.

 

[Ezi]

Sometimes loneliness can feel like the worst feeling ever and it's hard to try and overcome this emotion. To have suicidal thoughts is very concerning, I hope they stay as thoughts ! You must try and speak to your t or write a journal when you have these thoughts to see what the triggers are so your t can help you to try and manage your moods.

 

[Buzu]

What stage are you in therapy? Have you processed your trauma? Do you know a lot of coping skills, grounding skills, and self soothing skills? Are you on medication? Are you diagnosed with DID?

 

[Nisa]

I'm living like that today, after months of stability. Sucks. I lose hope fast. But it can't last for ever. (This is how I try to hold on to hope) It hasn't in the past. It feels endless, but give me an hour, a day, a week, and this muck will be gone.

Oh, and I make notes, so that if I lose time, or forget where I am, or get so wonky emotionally that I don't know what to do, I can check my notes and see what progress I have been making, and get grounded again. (I just remember the notes I took 4 hours ago. Helped me then, maybe now too.)

 

[Letilez]

Firstly, thank you for starting this thread. It's always hard for me to admit when I'm "tanking" (my word for when it feels like I'm sliding emotionally); it's been a long time for me too and I keep waiting to "feel better." Fighting against your own head means you are fighting your own most formidable adversary. After all, no one can make me feel as crappy as I can, even without realizing I'm doing it. There are still the same two years that I can't remember, I still take meds and wonder if there will ever be a day that I feel like they really do something. The night terrors, the nights I'm too afraid to sleep and the ones where I pray to sleep and can't all bleed together.

I've been diagnosed for years (15?) and agree with the idea that the moment-to-moment psychological torture that I do to myself when I'm sliding is the worst. Here's how I deal with it: I am not in control of my symptoms, but I can fight their emergence with therapy, meds and diet (lol- no caffeine after midnight. Genius, huh? :) ). In those moments where I'm feeling useless, suicidal etc., I try to remember that these are direct challenges my own brain is using to "trick" me. Instead of a stomach ache, my brain sends me a message telling me I'm useless. If I could control my stomach aches, night terrors or any of the other symptoms, I would have. It's up to me what I do with them in total and recognizing that perhaps the thoughts that feel the worst aren't as "real" as they might seem- does that make any sense?

Somehow, that helps me in these moments.

 

[Ovodo]

op here. Yes I am diagnosed with DID and I lost a whole chunk of yesterday to alters switching out. I have covered a lot of trauma in therapy but there's still stuff that my therapist and I think the alters are holding on to and not sharing.

I've learnt a fair few grounding techniques and have tried to implement them but when I switch all that seems to go out the window.

As for medication, I'm slowly coming off my SSRI, which my doctor knows about and I have to go chat to her each month to see how I'm doing before we decide what dose to continue with. I'm wondering if I should go back up to 50mg but I don't want to really. I feel numb enough after I've dissociated, I don't want to feel numb all the time due to the meds as well.

I'm glad I got through yesterday and have made to this morning without doing anything harmful. The thoughts of wanting to have eased off a bit now.

As for writing notes- ha, my whole life revolves around a multitude of post-its that list what I need to do each day. But I'm not sure whether they get read when I'm not 'me'.

To the last poster; thank you for reminding me that this is an illness just like physical ones. It's hard not to blame oneself for not managing better or coping 'normally'. But yes, if I were capable of thinking my way out of a stomach upset I would do and the same applies here. I'm
sorry you have times feeling this bad as well.

 

[Cise]

Hi,

Yeah, it's a dastardly, wormy disease, isn't it? I can't imagine anything crueler than my own mind (with all its hidden secrets and twists) being the one whispering nasty things in my own ear... it isn't as easy to hang up the phone. PTSD is tailor-made to each of us; what will make me feel horrible won't have the same effect on you so we each get our own batch of symptoms. We can realize we share symptoms (like negative thinking) and lean on each other when these moments happen.