I Can't Remember My Life Before.

[Snail]

I don't even know where to start. On July 19th my whole life changed. I went to work like normal on an early shift only I was doing extra hours because other people being off sick. I stopped at the store to grab some food so I was a few mins late. I arrived at work and I saw my manager which was normal, everything seemed normal. I entered the store and few mins later someone knocked on the door it was another colleague I let them in. I went to the fridge to put my food away...next moment I hear keys in the door. Another manager and 3 males with knives came running up the hallway towards me. I screamed so loud and I've never screamed in my life. They had their faces covered. Cowards couldn't even show their faces. I was terrified. I'll never forget that moment I dropped to the floor and seeing the knife pointed at me. That moment I thought I was going to die and I know I can't keep thinking that I have to more forward and break free. Saying this and doing it are so very different and difficult.

I wish I could be like everyone else and go back to how things were before the incident. I can't. I wish I could. I was off work for a long while I tried to go back but I lasted couple days and I couldn't handle it. Always looking over my shoulder for the next threat. I have hardly sleep. I always wake up with the damn nightmares but then being awake is a complete nightmare too. I am so sick and tired of being scared.

I have seen my doctor a few times and on medication but nothing seems to help. I'm on a waiting list for therapy which feels like a life time. I am being bounced around so much between doctors I'm starting to think I can be helped. I am just stuck in this tunnel and I'll never be okay. I can't go out on my own. I have to be home before it gets dark. I just want to feel safe. My mind is so messed up I think every male I don't know is going to hurt me. I am so paranoid. I don't remember how my life was before. I probably never will. The pieces just do not fit together any more.

I've not wrote like this about anything in a very long while it feels good to just get it all down.

Snail

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Welcome, @Snail, and you will find many here who understand. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and you've made a good start with your diary.

 

[goingonhope]

Welcome Snail and a good start here. Well done.

I too have a trauma history with knives/threat/lives,and across time and healing, positive experiences and hard work that terror can disappear and shift to far more manageable, acceptable-to-oneself, and far less fearful and longstanding fear emotion.

Wishing the best for your continued efforts, success, hard work and blessings.

 

[EverOnly358]

Snail,

I think you're very brave to start you diary and express so much. I'm so sorry all of this happened to you and you're struggling in the memory of it all. I think you'll find a lot of usual information and a lot of people that can relate to what you're feeling. It's always better when you don't feel like you're alone.

Welcome!
D