Childhood I Can't Trust My Mother

[Smile]

A little background... (Hope this isn't too long of a post)
I'm the youngest of a large family. Parents always fought & we moved around a LOT. Father had quick temper, all bark but no bite and mother is crazy passive aggressive. As a child witnessing these fights I assumed my dad was te evil one bc he screamed and my mother always ended up crying. I stopped talking to father at about 14. He passed away when I was 26. I was extremely clingy to my mom and in hindsight I believe she enjoyed that. I slept in her bed till about 11 years old. Disturbingly, I now realize she was probably using me as a buffer from having to have "relations" with dad. Uch.

A year ago I brought up that I believe I was sexually molested as a child and asked her if she can think of anything. She was shocked and said no. She said I was ALWAYS with her, impossible. I brought up that I went to school, friends houses to play, ect. Nothing doing. I've brought it up a few times and her answer is always the same. The only time she can think something might of happened was when I was sent away for 5th grade and stayed with a family. But she always adds that she never wanted to send me away and that it was my fathers decision. So I feel as if she's grasping at the one things he doesn't have to feel responsible for. It scares me that she can know something that I so desperately need in order to help myself recover and won't tell me.

I'm not saying she's doing it on purpose, it can definitely be subconscious... She is very unhealthy emotionally but still...

It just makes me think along the path that she may be more conniving than I think. Her brother was accused of molesting boys a few years ago and he flat out said it was impossible. Which I understand, it's her little brother. But not once since I brought up my concerns has she suggested there may be a connection there between me and him.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anything?!?!

 

[Intrepid]

Not too long at all. I have thoughts.

When I was 26 I accused someone of sexual abuse. Over time I've come to believe that I was squashing a few memories together at a moment of extreme stress. However, the person I accused did other things that were really destructive. Some of those things seemed better if the real problem could only have been sexual abuse. Honestly, things around that are so mixed up that I don't think I will ever be able to say what happened.

However, my experience with my mom fighting with my dad is clear. I don't think they understood how getting drunk and yelling at each other could scar their kid. After all, they weren't yelling at me. Truth is, they were creating a toxic environment, a war zone. I was collateral damage.

Hope that helps.

 

[arfie]

When I work too hard at bringing my repressed memories to the surface, I end up with allot of do-it-yourself gaslighting. Partly truth(s), partly fiction, partly me, partly suggestion, partly conjecture and thoroughly tangled. A seriously knotty, gooey mess.

I have learned to let my repressed memories and living confusions sort themselves at whatever speed they choose to reveal their mysteries. Notice there is no "just" or "simply" in that statement. There is nothing justy or simple about it, but it is not as hard as untangling the messes I make when I get impatient with the process and try to force it.

Equally, I have learned to respect that other folks have their own wounds and healing process, as well. Expecting them to process their yaddahs at my demand is both unfair and unrealistic.

My suggestion is that you be gentle with yourself, your mother and the process. Time has no meaning in the healing process.

 

[Smile]

@arfie , yes my T has been hammering that message to me for months now and I have stopped asking questions of myself and others. And interestingly, I made a connection with a memory and an act of anxiety that I do till this day. Which is good because it means progress but... My T has stressed that I don't focus on trying to remember more but that I also don't try to push it away. However since the session where I told him about the connection made, my mind just doesn't let me go there. And I have all sorts of yucky side effects. Can't eat, constant nausea, nightmares, blah blah.

But I don't think I was clear in my original post. My question was whether my concerns about my mother hiding something from me have validity or just a form of my lack of trust of anyone these days?

 

[Ryn]

I think it's definitely possible your concerns are valid, though not necessarily because your mother is actively hiding something from you (though that's possible too). I'll try to clarify -- In my situation, I have always had difficulty bonding with my mother and have never fully trusted her since she tends to be Jekyll and Hyde. My mother was the one who initially brought it up and asked me if I'd ever been sexually abused by a certain person, which started opening the floodgates of memory. But when I later approached her and my dad and said yes, I had been, she denied it and said she didn't believe me and hasn't spoken of it ever again. However, while this is really hurtful and frustrating, I have come to realise that she has probably convinced herself her words are true because she is too afraid to face the things I told her. So she's not "lying" or "hiding something" per se, but I'm certain she remembers more than she's telling. It's a strong form of denial and trying to escape her own guilt, I think (since in her mind she was always the greatest mother to walk the earth).

I don't know if that helps, but might be another way of looking at it. Either way I wouldn't discredit yourself and your feelings of distrust - they seem valid to me. Just might be that your mother's situation and thought processes are a little more complicated.

Best wishes.

 

[Friday]

As a mom... There have been periods of my sons life where he was literally with me (or within ear shot) always. It would have been impossible for anything to happen to him without my knowing. And period where, absolutely, anything could happen. Worse, I have to trust him to tell me, because while most kids think we know everything they do? That it's obvious? We don't. And it's not.

Hop over onto parenting forums, and you'll see the terror of parents surrounding letting go of their kids. Babysitters are agonized over. Preschools are agonized over. Most of us break down on the first day of kindergarten (prior to that at least you're choosing your children's teachers, coaches, etc.). I was wild eyed on my son's first day of preschool. Teacher came up, winked, took my hand and said "You've chosen to trust us,". Okay. Breathe. ((And I was one of the 'better' parents)).

It doesn't stop. Each new phase... Sleepovers, public bathrooms, be home by dinner, away games, camps... Each new phase is terrifying for most parents with their first kids. All the firsts. Oy. But you build up trust that nothing will happen, by nothing happening. They run into walls and don't die of brain hemorrhage. They go to school and come back alive. You learn to trust.

But if anything goes wrong? If that line of trust breaks? People tend to split into 2 camps. It's all my fault vs MamaBear raging at those to blame. It's all my fault people tend to split further. Acceptance & Denial.

Sounds like your mother falls into "It's all my fault if anything happens to my kids - ever." crowd, as well into "Denial". Which is reverse logic, that never works (reverse logic doesn't). It looks like this: I didn't make the wrong choice, therefore my child did not get hurt. ... And stems from fear : No. I trusted them. My choice. Nothing happened. Please. Please. Please. Let them be okay.

Which is different from hiding.

It's a self-defense mechanism. And you know first hand what a bitch those are.

 

[Intrepid]

My suggestion is that you be gentle with yourself, your mother and the process. Time has no meaning in the healing process.

Sorry. I think I sensed that as your real question, but avoided it. I really don't have an answer. I've had to show a little extra grace to people, as long as they were in no position to be harmful. For people who lie, there are usually things they are hiding from themselves. How can you really tell if it's your own lack of trust? I don't know. When I have the side effects, like those you noted, I am skeptical about most of my judgments about what is going on for others.

 

[Smile]

@Ryn , I can totally see my mom doing that. I'm so sorry it happened to you, so confusing :( but thank you for that perspective :)

@FridayJones , wow! You are so kind to go into all that detail for me! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! You are so right. It's like T I always saying... I don't thin your mother purposely tried hurting you. It's just everything is so unclear and muddled up. But the way you went into it step by step helps me focus on my mothers side of things. I tell you, I'm usually great at being non-judgmental/able to see things through the other persons eyes but with my mom it's different. And harder. Thank you!!

@Intrepid , no apology needed! We all come with our own little packages :) I feel the same way as you... skeptical of EVERYONE, myself included. Thank you for responding & caring :)

 

[arfie]

We all come with our own little packages :) I feel the same way as you... skeptical of EVERYONE, myself included.

That includes your mother, Smile. Can you trust her??? I have a hard enough time figuring out how far I trust people I am looking in the eye. Ain't even going there for a person I have not even met anonymously over the internet. For sure, I don't think trust is an either/or proposition. I can trust myself to be as honest as possible, but I cannot trust myself to tell the truth about a repressed memory. Other people??? Yikes!!!

But... How is hounding my mother - or whoever - for memory confirmation that far different than chasing it around my own head? Whether I do it myself or recruit an ally, I am still trying too hard and muddying the memories in the effort.

I know it is hard, but... Be gentle.

 

[Smile]

@arfie , you're right. Simple as that :)

 

[Smile]

But... How is hounding my mother - or whoever - for memory confirmation that far different than chasing it around my own head?

The word you used, "hounding"... I don't like that. Are you saying it was unfair of me to ever ask her the question? I have as much respect for my parents as I can and have specifically hid anything that might hurt my mother. But this whole PTSD/nightmares ect hit me like a ton of bricks and the only person I could think of who had the most access to me as a child was my mother.

I don't think that hounding is correct

 

[arfie]

Sorry, Smile. Dog lover here. I attempted to speak of persistence. Sorry to have offended you with my puppy love.