I Caught A Subliminal Thought.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Today I have taken things easy and have occupied myself well - which is unusual for me to actually be able to do something, even if it was only playing a video game. It's a new take on a childhood classic and which has more than enough positive memories to make me feel childishly happy and satisfied, without it being challenging or stressful in any way. So why when I was possible the happiest I have been in months and the least anxious, do I catch the heartfelt and genuine thought "I rwish I wasn't alive", with a pained expression in face. I know it happens a fair amount, but usually I put it down to being under the weather and more often than not it occurs and I don't really catch it. So it just lodges and reinforces in my mind.

So I caught it, that's good right? But what do I with it? It concerns me that's just there in my happiest moments, that it's constant, that it's kind of my state of being and at best I disagree with it so it's just distressing, at a mid level, it's ideation and the idea that it's would be a relief that's there as a back up option, but at its worst I want the pain of death - just to insure nothing else will come, good or bad. I just don't know how to deal with that in a productive and/or healthy manner. I'd rather not be suicidal (I think, but I don't know), I think I'd rather be dead or be alive, all that middle bit is too difficult. So with the achievement that I caught myself thinking negatively, how do I turn that around and deal with it positively or move on so it doesn't happen again, or not find myself idolising death?

 

[Ghostybear73]

That's a really good question Kas_Can_Fly. I wonder why now that life is at it's best, I wish it was over. In my case, it's because once I was in a good place and I didn't have to worry about running, struggling, being without a home and so on, the past moved in and I had to deal with it, which seems worse than the hidden memories of my past.

 

[Firelamb67]

Kas-can-fly:

I can totally relate to you and what you say. I have the same issue and really don't understand it. My T in every session reminds me of my blessings. I also tell my self that this is not an answer to "fix" my problems. When these thoughts come through I think of the things that are beautiful in life. I know that is really corny thing to say but- it works for me.

You are one step ahead by knowing that you don't really want to die. Visit that place as much
as you can. I know life is hard enough for people who don't have PTSD.

This is the 10th time trying to answer your post. At least you're not acting out on you're thoughts.

I'm no expert. Every time you have these thoughts, write down 2 or 3 things good about you and the life you have. It takes time to heal and recover and that recovery is possible. Do you have a therapist? If so you should let him/her know what's been going on with the thoughts that keep surfacing. Revisit how good you felt playing that game and feeling like a kid. Don't let that thought rob you of what you deserve. You have every right to be happy. Please, though, if it starts becoming a reality rather than just a thought please ask for help. I know I've been rambling on. Just know you are not alone. I've totally lost my train of thought.

I hope some part of this is helpful to you. (first time post).

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

@Ghostybear73 My life is far from the best it has been right now, the last year and half has been difficult at best. My PTSD broke out in full force, I was left with out medication, support or help for many months, ended up in hospital 5 times to be patched up for self-harm, hospitalised for a week and under the local crisis team for several weeks before and after. But on the plus side, I am no longer in contact with my abusers, I mean they live a less than a mile away, but they won't come close which is something. But I realise that the warmth of safe family and childhood past-times is very good for me. But it's not like the feeling of being safe and then a sudden unleash of all this stuff underneath, it's constant and alien, sometimes it feels like it consumes me and I want to give into it, other time's it feels like a safe relief waiting for me, a back-up plan.

I have been suicidal to varying degrees since I was 9, but now it's like I have someone else's depression, it's surreal and oh so constant and yet fleeting. Constant in the fact that it's always there when I least expect, several times a day and persistent through high and low, fleeting as in the fact that it is only clear for a few moments before going, it can be as little as last night something I catch as it passes fleetingly through my mind. Or a few minutes, where it's so intense, I'd kill myself with the nearest thing (of which nearly everything seems like a weapon to be used) if only I had the energy to do it, I'm literally too exhausted to move through the weight of it all. I fear the moment when I'll have the thought and the energy to do something and at the same time I welcome the end, because I can't bear to keep fighting every moment.

I am so dissociated from everything all the time, I barely know how I feel let alone what to do with "feelings" my body experiences. Thoughts are different from feelings. For me a lack of anxiety and/or an ability to focus on something is about as happy as I can be. The feelings I experience are usually dissonant to what I'm sure I must be feeling, but I can't work it out. Everything is so confusing and so painful and yet the only time I have a positive experience and may start to feel some of the happiness or something, I want to die, because I can't cope and everything is just too hard. I think it's there all the time, but being miserable and feeling suicidal is normal, feeling happy and suicidal is more odd.

My T in every session reminds me of my blessings.

My blessings are the fact that as of today, none of my abusers have tried to test my threat that if they came near me I'd be taking them to court - that could change tomorrow and since our telephone company stopped the call blocks on them, I have had two phonecalls (albeit from a senile and less abusive ex-family member). That my few remaining family members that haven't been abusive towards me love me and are here for me and supportive for me. That I have the security of a roof over my head. But all of that feels flimsy and temporary and that it could all be taken or could fall away at any moment.

Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, I will tell her when I see her next but that will be at least another week. My social worker didn't book me an appointment with a psychiatrist for new meds twice because he forgot (honest mistake and I believe him, I can be very, very vague) and now one is on the way but I was told probably before Christmas before and now I have no idea when it will be. I came off of meds (that had no effect positive or negative) and needed to ask for more but my GP knows I'm under the local mental health team and didn't want to touch me, I requested trazodone for sleep/anxiety/depression on the idea that it should work pretty quick IF it worked at all, but it doesn't touch me, no matter the dose/frequency etc. So I'm med-less again. There isn't much my therapist can do when I get back to remedy these feelings unless there is some magic cure.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Or at least that there is a way that I can't see or figure out because I don't understand how that kind of thought reversal works and that would maybe help a bit. I feel so bad right now, I wish I could cry.